relationships – Dimples Migraines and Aahs

December 30, 2024

New Broom Sweeps Clean

2024 has been full of surprises. I went into the year praying for the Professional Course I was studying and maybe a pursuit of Masters I am ending the year having been engaged, being a wife, I did take a stub at the Professional Course and looked up Masters options, I have attended Rammor’s Concert, I have managed to buy items I could only dream of. The universe has outdone itself and given me absolutely more than I could ever ask or imagine. I am going into 2025 more bold. I will definitely have more daring goals because I am realizing the more things I put out into the universe, the bigger and better returns I get. My brain is reminding me how France has been one of the things I have put out in the universe and I am yet to get it so yes, we start the list with Paris, France for the umpteenth time.

last year and this year too I was content with putting up my makeshift Christmas tree and I convinced myself, there is no need to buy an actual one as it is only used for a season and who has storage for the 11 months for the tree anyway. I got excited seeing Kenyans put up and decorate their trees and I was looking forward to embark on my makeshift one. I kept telling my husband we put it up but he was seemingly reluctant. I took his reluctance as him not willing to help because he does not share the joy of the festivities ( or does he really not). I came across beaming pictures of him and his best friend next to the makeshift tree I put up last year at his place meanwhile he had been feigning embarrassment over it. This year he had been planning to get us an actual tree and I ruined the surprise by my constant questions. Poor man, he had to disclose this to stop me from bugging him.

I struggle getting help house cleaning. I know I need help but often I will convince myself I can easily finish up then mid way realize I should have just got help. Then I tell myself there is barely much left, I should push on and finish and we repeat the cycle weekend after weekend. Today morning I woke up with the same sentiment but reason took better part of me and after identifying laundry, dishes and general house cleaning as the only tasks to be done, I set out to find help so that I use the time to do something else. I did get help but It motivated me to do thorough cleaning and finally sort out some of the things I have been putting off. While she was cleaning, I was surprised that she still got that much dirt as I cleaned the same house mid week. House chores are generally never ending.

My usual cleaning lady has of late been doing a lackluster job. She is mostly on phone when she comes over, she takes too much time and when I spot check, I find her work was less than satisfactory. I got someone new and instructed her to do laundry, house cleaning and dishes. In hindsight I don’t know what about her work really impressed me because in the moment, I felt she had gone over and above and even paid her double as a reward. The saying new broom sweeps clean must have been onto something.

In 2024 I am leaving behind an expectation on people to behave in a certain way. At times I notice some nuances and I question how compatible we are. No one is perfect. We are all ordinary. We are all boring. We are all spectacular. We are all shy. We are all bold. We are all nasty. We are all rude at times. We are all dismissive. We are all snobs. We are self centered. We are all heroes. We are all helpless. It just depends on the day.

As I sit in the clean house, watching the lights as they change colors on the Christmas tree, I am content. 2024 has given me 10/10. I look forward to the new limits 2025 will set. The world has witnessed change in its citizens involvement in their country’s politics. I have taken to the streets to demand for better services, accountability. There are talks that the war in Gaza might soon come to an end, Syrians have been liberated.

As I am about to hit publish on this the more things have changed the more things have remained the same. Kenyans are out in the street demonstrating the release of abducted citizens, I have gone back to my charade of house cleaning chronicles.

I am looking forward to the new year, where I intend to step outside my comfort zone, embrace joie de vivre, joyfulness, delight, pleasure, exuberance, vivacity, sparkle, zing, get up and go mentality, zestfulness.

Happy New Year!

January 30, 2024January 30, 2024

January in books

I pride myself in starting the year strong and making the best use of those first days before things settle. This January, I managed to get my hands on four books: The girl with the lauding voice by Abi daré, a spill over from 2023, The invisible life of Addie Larue, a secret Santa gift which I had to momentarily pose and dig into Animal Farm by George Orwell, the book club read of the month and lastly Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, a re-read that feels like a first time reading.

Most people have found it difficult reading the girl with the lauding voice because of the broken English. Having been forewarned and further explained to that the writer was in character with the girl narrating the story, I was in awe because the writing style is certainly hard to pull off. Our brains are trained to correct error. It is an uphill task reverse engineering and having deliberate spelling errors. One can easily blame it on poor editing like I do but not this time.

The innocence of the girl, the unfortunate things that happen to her and the helplessness of her situation keep you rooting for her and turning the pages to find out if she gets a reprieve. That being said, I am taking a break from Nigerian authors because I have reached saturation with their kind of content. The invisible life of Addie Larue is out of my comfort zone. Very mystical and definitely a book that I would not have picked for myself. Addie prays to the Gods who she was warned not to ask from and in the spur of the moment, she asks for the gift of life for as long as she is not tired of living.

Addie is not given parameters for her ask, she does not take time to seek clarification either which is what I would have done in her position. She was just praying and did not expect to be answered and when the answer came, she was not certain of what she wanted. She learns “on the job” that she cannot say her name, she cannot tell the truth, people do not remember her, she cannot have friends, a lover, a relationship only because everyone else’s memory of her is fleeting. She might as well be a ghost, It would be easier because then she would not worry about having a place to live, needing money for food or any of life’s luxuries and a change of clothes. So far, Addie has done the most with the cards life has dealt her.

The length of Animal Farm made reading the book bearable. I was quickly taken back to my high school days when we learnt about personification and symnolism. I was pleasantly shocked that pigs would be the cleverest of the animals, I only know them as dirty and greedy. The book is mostly a mirror and if that is lost to any reader, the writer says as much in the last page. It is insightful on leadership and how the society perceives leaders and rules. I am glad to have been introduced to George Orwell’s works.

I must have written about committed. I remember being smitten with the book then as I am now the only difference being that now marriage is not a far off chance topic as it was then. I have been searching the depths of my soul and interrogating the beliefs I hold about marriage as an institution and everything that grace’s the occasion right from the engagement ring, the white dress, the notion of brides maids, the venue of the wedding, the roles of each party in the marriage and the extent to which the two parties have control on the state of the marriage.

For each couple that is eager to be wedded, there is an equal number of those trying to weed themselves from what they got into. Much thought has been given to the institution and the pertinent questions one needs to have answered leading to the decision to marry/wed. Reading Committed reminded me of the many nuggets I picked from my all time favourite of Elizabeth Gilbert’s books, City of Girls. I have been recommending this book to anyone who has ears to hear and eyes to read to the extent that I got upset when two of those people keep pushing it further down their to be read list and I angrily told them that they should not even get the book because they are unworthy of the Gems in it. I am yet to determine whose choice was more distasteful between them and the person who started and left it halfway.

Committed is well written. Elizabeth allows us to grapple with the same questions she did as she shares her findings with us. I have learnt so much about marriage as an institution but like she says, it is ever changing. You think you now have the tools to do it right but when you put what you have learnt in practise you have totally different players and their response to the tools is completely different which sets us out on another learning curve.

With this good start, I am looking forward to the insights I will get from books in 2024, I hope you are here for the ride.

February 14, 2022February 14, 2022

The life of a perfectionist

It’s quite simple what is perceived as good and what would fundamentally be bad. Did you know you are not just supposed to love your neighbor but love them more than you love yourself? Apparently, if you aspire to a higher standard the world would eventually become a better place.

What a fucking cunt! That is what he thought he was for watching the phone ring and not being bothered because the caller would have ruined his mood.

Was he a fundamentally bad person for telling his colleague earlier that he had to take his lunch break because helping the colleague was not supposed to go over his mealtime. Was he mean when he blatantly said that he would not put in extra time to help a colleague who should have better managed their time so as not to be caught working past office hours. The same colleague who devotes every minute of every day to his desk without taking as much as a water break. He would delegate his lavatory visits if he could.

Would he be a fundamentally bad person if he expresses how distasteful it is to only gift ranging from socks, wallets, belts and or boxers. Is it so much to ask to be dined for a change or be the one receiving a phone call instead of constantly making the routine phone calls. Would he be breaking the social norms if he lets her pay the bill, if he throws a tantrum because his one and only request fell on deaf ears, or if he suggests that they each gift themselves instead of gifting each other because maybe then he would get what he truly wants. Would he be selfish if he lets their daily phone call slip his mind because of their inability to engage each other’s minds in thought-provoking conversation.

He follows rules … Rules dictate that he has to be obedient to his parents. Would he be a fundamentally bad person if he chooses what to obey because he can deduce right from wrong. Should he be a stickler to their wants and needs and put his aside never to be met. When would he be right to choose what is best for him? Would he be an ungrateful child if he recognizes the heartache that came with their love, the toxicity that accompanied their parenting.

Who came up with the rules? Who made right and wrong? Why did his conscience haunt him and he gave fucks about everything. He always thought about his mannerisms during the day. Was he too loud, did that sound arrogant, was he patient enough, could he devote more of his time, was this or that behaviour befitting of him. Could he walk away when angry and not torment himself on how he could have handled the situation better. Why could the other person not check their offensive tone it has to be him. Why should he be the one to apologize. Would he be loving her more than he loves himself if he stops pointing out the things he does not like and take her for who she is. Should he pretend he did not see it coming yet ever since the first time, the second, third, and fourth he knows she wants to act differently but keeps acting in the same way.. something about teaching an old dog new tricks.

He wonders if he is a fundamentally bad person for wearing his emotions on his sleeve. He does not smile at people he is not happy with. If he is cross at you, you will only need to be in his presence to find out because the disdain will be all over the face. When you ask, he will tell you unflinchingly what actions of yours have brought out the animal in him. His mother warned that he should learn to mask his feelings. Just smile even when deep down you want to grab the person’s throat and block their airwave. Smile even when they are stepping on your toes and it hurts. Laugh with your enemies and even dine with them… That is what it means to love another more than you love yourself.

He does not want that … He does not want fake smiles and niceties which are only a facade. He does not want to spend any minute longer than necessary exchanging pleasantries with people he much rather presume dead and buried as far as he is concerned. He is tired of being kind to everybody. He is tired of this mask that he has to put on. He is tired of the phrase everything will be alright and that God is in control. He will stand up for himself. He will occupy space, he will wear his emotions on his sleeve and for once watch the other person get uncomfortable and decide whether to stay put or leave. He will stop overthinking his actions and questioning whether he is fundamentally wrong.

October 17, 2021October 17, 2021

Kintsugi

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing what is broken ( mostly pottery) with gold. It is built on the idea of embracing imperfections and the notion that you can create something more beautiful than what was broken. There are too many broken pieces and our constant need to fix. A friendship that does not last the lifetime you thought it would, a relationship that has you filled with doubts and anticipating when it would break, the need to fix what is not even broken yet. It is like we live in a constant state of breaking and mending.

I had not realized it but so many broken pieces lay around me and I did not know what to do with them. Sometimes we think a situation or someone is completely broken and there is no way of putting back the pieces together. Sometimes we break people and carry around the burden of regret thinking if only I did not say that or If only I never met the person in the first place. Kintsugi is there to remind us that the broken can be fixed and its okay if we are not the same people to do the fixing. Mosaic art is there to show us that different broken pieces can make something more adorable than the original creation. Today’s deep dive is the aftermath of my book club’s read of the month ( September).

Young Adult books have never been my cup of tea. It is mentally disturbing that they are written by adults and I do not know what it takes for them to create such a young narrative. We had two options; a book that was described as sad Orbiting Jupiter by Gary D. Schmidt and Our Chemical hearts which was described as a love story. My fellow book club members opted for the love story but I wanted to see what could be intricately sad about Orbiting Jupiter.

I remember their astonishment when I reported that the book was not sad but mostly normal. We had a moment of them checking in and me clarifying that I was completely fine and just wanted to find out how sad a book could get. Nothing has topped Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami for me in that spectrum but I have also not been actively searching for sad books. Perhaps a little life by Hanya Yanagihara will top that list but its too long, and not captivating enough for me to bear through the end to find out. ( maybe I am not mature enough for the book but I see myself getting there and reading it to the end ).

I found this book sad. More sad than Orbiting Jupiter. Maybe it is because I went in expecting a love story that develops through Middle school only to be hit by grief, pity and so much wisdom about love. This writing is broken somewhere between being an editor’s post and a book review but the golden thread should guide you. As usual, I’ll now leave the golden nuggets from the book to bait you into picking and reading the book yourself.

Stories with happy endings are just stories that haven’t finished yet.

This phrase would mean that there are no happy endings.. I do not think that in this context the opposite of happy is sad and that endings are two sided like a coin. They are probably a continuum. If the author suggests happy endings are just stories that have not yet finished they could be anything else along the continuum. My explanation may only be a different way of expressing what the author meant and maybe she might have been onto something.

Because apparently you still have to chase girls who can’t even run

This was hilarious especially In the context of the book. I do believe girls should be chased but I did read somewhere that neither the girl nor the boy is the price. While in the relationship girls too do some chasing. At the end, love is the price and that’s the motivation for the chase anyway.

Everything dies love included. Sometimes it dies with a person, sometimes it dies on its own. The greatest love story ever told doesn’t have to be about two people who spent their whole lives together…. There’s nothing like a failed love, all love is equal in the brain.

Full disclaimer.. these nuggets of wisdom are not evenly spread through the book. You might struggle reading the first 77 pages like I did. Humour is what mostly kept me going and the fact that I needed to contribute on the conversation during my bookclub whether in praise for the book or tearing it apart. We had a fair share of both.

Not to leave your palate distasteful, one of the characters has this to say about why people fall in love again despite having being heartbroken .

Because the journey is beautiful in the beginning and no one can see the bend in the train tracks until it is already too late to stop and when you board the train you hope that this is the one that doesn’t crash even though it might be, even though it probably will be, it’s worth getting on anyway to find out.

Our chemical hearts.