Love – Page 2 – Dimples Migraines and Aahs

May 21, 2022May 21, 2022

Progress

I realized I cared..

I did look for the next harbor and I was willing to let this ship dock.

I realized I loved..

I love and I know the price is grief and I do not want to sabotage the love to begin the grief

I realized I want..

I want this to run its course. I want to take no part in the death but I will handle the internment arrangement

I realized I worry

I worry that I may have become vulnerable and my weakness is no longer my strength

I realized I changed

I have changed my lens and now I notice all the grey areas

I realized I fear

I fear that I may say goodbye too soon. I fear that if I stay I may lose sight of my boundaries and lack the strength to assert myself in the future.

I realized I am strong

I am strong enough to know what I want. I am strong enough to go for what I want. I am strong enough to let others know they are stepping on me and I need them to back off

I realized I am weak

I see it happening but I need someone to speak up for me. I am weak enough to convince myself it will soon be over or that I would soon leave and that I do not have to speak about it I can wait it out.

I realized I breath

I breathe loud enough to make the sound of an ocean wave. I take shallow breaths and at times I am left gasping for air.

I realized I sulk

The child in me wants me to sit with my anger and sulk. The child in me has a reward policy, do good and you get a reward for it, do bad and my silent treatment will be loud.

I realized I play

I play the game. I want more choices, more chances, more levels, more characters, more lives.

I have kept building this draft since last year.. I have outgrown the initial phrases but like its title progress, this draft will never end as I keep realizing.

February 14, 2022February 14, 2022

The life of a perfectionist

It’s quite simple what is perceived as good and what would fundamentally be bad. Did you know you are not just supposed to love your neighbor but love them more than you love yourself? Apparently, if you aspire to a higher standard the world would eventually become a better place.

What a fucking cunt! That is what he thought he was for watching the phone ring and not being bothered because the caller would have ruined his mood.

Was he a fundamentally bad person for telling his colleague earlier that he had to take his lunch break because helping the colleague was not supposed to go over his mealtime. Was he mean when he blatantly said that he would not put in extra time to help a colleague who should have better managed their time so as not to be caught working past office hours. The same colleague who devotes every minute of every day to his desk without taking as much as a water break. He would delegate his lavatory visits if he could.

Would he be a fundamentally bad person if he expresses how distasteful it is to only gift ranging from socks, wallets, belts and or boxers. Is it so much to ask to be dined for a change or be the one receiving a phone call instead of constantly making the routine phone calls. Would he be breaking the social norms if he lets her pay the bill, if he throws a tantrum because his one and only request fell on deaf ears, or if he suggests that they each gift themselves instead of gifting each other because maybe then he would get what he truly wants. Would he be selfish if he lets their daily phone call slip his mind because of their inability to engage each other’s minds in thought-provoking conversation.

He follows rules … Rules dictate that he has to be obedient to his parents. Would he be a fundamentally bad person if he chooses what to obey because he can deduce right from wrong. Should he be a stickler to their wants and needs and put his aside never to be met. When would he be right to choose what is best for him? Would he be an ungrateful child if he recognizes the heartache that came with their love, the toxicity that accompanied their parenting.

Who came up with the rules? Who made right and wrong? Why did his conscience haunt him and he gave fucks about everything. He always thought about his mannerisms during the day. Was he too loud, did that sound arrogant, was he patient enough, could he devote more of his time, was this or that behaviour befitting of him. Could he walk away when angry and not torment himself on how he could have handled the situation better. Why could the other person not check their offensive tone it has to be him. Why should he be the one to apologize. Would he be loving her more than he loves himself if he stops pointing out the things he does not like and take her for who she is. Should he pretend he did not see it coming yet ever since the first time, the second, third, and fourth he knows she wants to act differently but keeps acting in the same way.. something about teaching an old dog new tricks.

He wonders if he is a fundamentally bad person for wearing his emotions on his sleeve. He does not smile at people he is not happy with. If he is cross at you, you will only need to be in his presence to find out because the disdain will be all over the face. When you ask, he will tell you unflinchingly what actions of yours have brought out the animal in him. His mother warned that he should learn to mask his feelings. Just smile even when deep down you want to grab the person’s throat and block their airwave. Smile even when they are stepping on your toes and it hurts. Laugh with your enemies and even dine with them… That is what it means to love another more than you love yourself.

He does not want that … He does not want fake smiles and niceties which are only a facade. He does not want to spend any minute longer than necessary exchanging pleasantries with people he much rather presume dead and buried as far as he is concerned. He is tired of being kind to everybody. He is tired of this mask that he has to put on. He is tired of the phrase everything will be alright and that God is in control. He will stand up for himself. He will occupy space, he will wear his emotions on his sleeve and for once watch the other person get uncomfortable and decide whether to stay put or leave. He will stop overthinking his actions and questioning whether he is fundamentally wrong.

October 17, 2021October 17, 2021

Kintsugi

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing what is broken ( mostly pottery) with gold. It is built on the idea of embracing imperfections and the notion that you can create something more beautiful than what was broken. There are too many broken pieces and our constant need to fix. A friendship that does not last the lifetime you thought it would, a relationship that has you filled with doubts and anticipating when it would break, the need to fix what is not even broken yet. It is like we live in a constant state of breaking and mending.

I had not realized it but so many broken pieces lay around me and I did not know what to do with them. Sometimes we think a situation or someone is completely broken and there is no way of putting back the pieces together. Sometimes we break people and carry around the burden of regret thinking if only I did not say that or If only I never met the person in the first place. Kintsugi is there to remind us that the broken can be fixed and its okay if we are not the same people to do the fixing. Mosaic art is there to show us that different broken pieces can make something more adorable than the original creation. Today’s deep dive is the aftermath of my book club’s read of the month ( September).

Young Adult books have never been my cup of tea. It is mentally disturbing that they are written by adults and I do not know what it takes for them to create such a young narrative. We had two options; a book that was described as sad Orbiting Jupiter by Gary D. Schmidt and Our Chemical hearts which was described as a love story. My fellow book club members opted for the love story but I wanted to see what could be intricately sad about Orbiting Jupiter.

I remember their astonishment when I reported that the book was not sad but mostly normal. We had a moment of them checking in and me clarifying that I was completely fine and just wanted to find out how sad a book could get. Nothing has topped Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami for me in that spectrum but I have also not been actively searching for sad books. Perhaps a little life by Hanya Yanagihara will top that list but its too long, and not captivating enough for me to bear through the end to find out. ( maybe I am not mature enough for the book but I see myself getting there and reading it to the end ).

I found this book sad. More sad than Orbiting Jupiter. Maybe it is because I went in expecting a love story that develops through Middle school only to be hit by grief, pity and so much wisdom about love. This writing is broken somewhere between being an editor’s post and a book review but the golden thread should guide you. As usual, I’ll now leave the golden nuggets from the book to bait you into picking and reading the book yourself.

Stories with happy endings are just stories that haven’t finished yet.

This phrase would mean that there are no happy endings.. I do not think that in this context the opposite of happy is sad and that endings are two sided like a coin. They are probably a continuum. If the author suggests happy endings are just stories that have not yet finished they could be anything else along the continuum. My explanation may only be a different way of expressing what the author meant and maybe she might have been onto something.

Because apparently you still have to chase girls who can’t even run

This was hilarious especially In the context of the book. I do believe girls should be chased but I did read somewhere that neither the girl nor the boy is the price. While in the relationship girls too do some chasing. At the end, love is the price and that’s the motivation for the chase anyway.

Everything dies love included. Sometimes it dies with a person, sometimes it dies on its own. The greatest love story ever told doesn’t have to be about two people who spent their whole lives together…. There’s nothing like a failed love, all love is equal in the brain.

Full disclaimer.. these nuggets of wisdom are not evenly spread through the book. You might struggle reading the first 77 pages like I did. Humour is what mostly kept me going and the fact that I needed to contribute on the conversation during my bookclub whether in praise for the book or tearing it apart. We had a fair share of both.

Not to leave your palate distasteful, one of the characters has this to say about why people fall in love again despite having being heartbroken .

Because the journey is beautiful in the beginning and no one can see the bend in the train tracks until it is already too late to stop and when you board the train you hope that this is the one that doesn’t crash even though it might be, even though it probably will be, it’s worth getting on anyway to find out.

Our chemical hearts.

April 23, 2020April 25, 2020

The Bold Type

As children, we were groomed to look up to adulthood. Other than the normal question who do you want to be when you grow up, we played games depicting family life; ‘cha mama’ and marriage while skipping rope. You literally built your ideal man, planned your wedding, where you and your partner would reside, the number and gender of the kids you would have. In our naive minds, each of us had the best man who ticked all the boxes and we had good health, finances were never a problem we considered. We were each little princesses who deserved the very best and that’s what we got; happily ever after.

I’m not sure at what age we snap out of the fairy tale. It’s like we were all sleeping beauties and suddenly the curse is lifted and we can see the world for what it is. I’m lucky enough to still be in touch with my playmates and whenever we get together, we agree that as children we were cushioned. Some who selected Church weddings as kids have already settled on come we stay arrangements. The names we settled for in our ideal man when Alejandro and Hector were the standard have now materialized to Kevo and Brayo.

None of us knew that along the way one or two may die young, death was for the old and it was always by natural cause soundly in your sleep. We were to keep the straight and narrow path and be the light of the world and the salt of the earth. You should have heard our sweet melodious voices singing from the pulpit every Sunday ‘sauti za kutoa nyoka pangoni’. This statement frightened me. Every time we would sing I would look around JUST in case ( pun intended ).

All these memories came back to me when I watched the last episode of The bold type Sn 4. You know how the highlight of every romance movie is the wedding of your favorite actors, this was no different. They had gone through challenges in the 4 seasons which meant they had qualified for the criteria to get a happy ending. Isn’t this what all films have programmed in our minds. Either the family plotted against you, or you temporarily lost the ‘love of your life’ to the other woman only to be rejoined by fate.

In this case, the plot was novel. The guy was among the board members in the company the girl worked in so technically he was her boss. They had to work around the company’s dating policy and thanks to the fact that she was dating someone who had a say in decision making, it was fairly easy. I brought this series up because of the change of mindset we get from it. The couple plans their wedding and they tire from all the details encompassed in making it the best day of their lives. With 6 months to go, they had not settled on the floral arrangement, the church, guests, different opinions by the two families being brought together and their schedule was just insane. So while catching up over drinks after work they decide screw it we’ll just get married in this bar. We’ve had our best moments here.

Having made that big compromise, everything followed suit. The wedding was moved from 6 months away to that weekend. They picked an officiator from among their friends, one of their friends who is an official photographer offered to be their photographer as her gift to the couple. Pro tip: You should really invest in diverse friendships; build your circle. Now that I think of it, I have a couple of musician friends, a few friends who can bake, photographers are plenty, an upcoming make up artist… guys, I can have a wedding I just need the groom.

The bride decided to walk herself down the aisle. She said, she is not something to be given away. I can imagine how this would crush my African parents especially being the only girl. What actually happened was that the groom walked to meet her. This I would want after all isn’t it ‘always’ the guy who approaches the lady. Rather whoever made the first move should be the one to walk down the aisle. ( Unpopular 2 am thought)

For a heartbeat, I thought this wedding wasn’t going to take place. We have to rewind to the night before. I mentioned that the two met while working in the same place however, months after the engagement the groom moved to a different town to launch the business he’s always wanted to engage in and after the wedding, the agreement was that the bride would quit her assistant position and follow him there. Her wedding present from her immediate supervisor which was given to her hours before the wedding was a promotion to a position she had been eyeing for 5 years. This changes dynamics. The whole wedding was based on them living together in one city and there poof 💨.

She weighed her options; as much as she had found the love of her life, the fulfillment she’ll get from this job was unmatched, it was her passion. I normally hate it when you apply for a job and get no reply then all of a sudden after you have given up and even thought of focusing your energy elsewhere, you get multiple offers, each with different perks and the only reason you applied to so many is because none gave a timely response. It’s the same way when you choose to settle down with one person suddenly 5 other people that you had considered as potential decide to reciprocate your love for them that has now died down.

The bride being the bold type requested for the groom to be summoned before the wedding. She explained the situation to him and stated that whatever happens, her decision lies in taking up the job offer. Of course the groom was taken aback. How dare she! At this moment, when everyone is already seated. All their colleagues! He never got the chance to answer to build suspense.

With so many incidents being reported on social media of a love story turned sour, many of my friends and sometimes myself included have been questioning this whole idea of a happy ending. We have been victims of believing all that glitters and we’ve failed to see that it was not gold. Even with this, there is no assurance on the outcome of our stories but this does not mean that we do not make them.

This ring is the symbol of my love, my commitment and my promise to always dream bigger and be honest and take risks that make both of us proud. I vow to always listen, to ask what you want and what you need. With this ring and all that I am I marry you… (Groom’s vow)

You are my basket of bread sticks, you are my truth and without truth I am nothing. So I promise to be steady and strong and honest till death do us part. This ring is a token of my love and with it and all that I am, I marry you… ( Bride’s vow)

Aren’t those vows just beautiful. They are a depiction of what exactly is needed to make any relationship work; Honesty, communication and mutual understanding. I’ll take that anytime over the generic in sickness and in health. Anyway, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

I urge you to be the bold type. Despite what will be portrayed, what you may have experienced that has changed your perspective, BE BOLD .