Tag: life

Posted on

Life between reading and writing

Life for me is lived between reading and writing. I am never not reading anything. I do have books that I leave halfway ever since I embraced the fact that I am not obliged to finish every book I pick up. Lately, I have not been aligning with the writing styles or general plot of books. I have been to bookstores severally hoping something will catch my eye. Those that do and I screenshot that I will look up reviews on Google reads have not made that further step.

I journal and I have been doing that more frequently. I feel the urge to have my thoughts and feelings on paper. (This was the position when I started this draft but it has changed. Planning to revive my journalling in November)

I have not had a striking idea for a post but I have had striking notes that I would like to share. Snippets from conversations I have had, films I have watched, and phrases that made sense and had to be in writing. As usual, this draft was left pending and as I finish, I have been able to re-read a Sidney Sheldon book called the Stars Shine Down.

With Sidney Sheldon, I always know what I will get. A strong female character who is a mogul in a particular field that is usually male-dominated. There will be a love interest or two, descriptive writing about places, foods and luxury items and the joy of it all suspense. I wonder how he still manages to achieve that even for books I have already read.

With Stars Shine Down I knew the lady was into the building industry but the depths of the story were long forgotten. In the last 5 pages, I thought I had joined the dots but I was in for a beautiful surprise. The ladies in Sheldon’s books are always self-made. He has a way of making them fall for the Mafia gang leader. Now that I think of it, all these self-made business moguls in his books have friends in high places who have called shots for them. This coming week I will end the month re-reading Morning Noon and Night and get back to you on whether my general description of Sidney Sheldon stands. Nonetheless, he still is my first favorite author and I can now pinpoint the aspects of my life that he shaped with his writing.

Here goes my list of five phrases that withstood my overthinking:

1. You are on your way to where you are going
I cannot remember how I came across this phrase but it sure did strike a chord. The path you currently are on is what will lead you to a destination. You can see from the onset that you do not like the destination but many stay on the same path hoping the destination changes. This is a reminder that if you want to change the destination you will have to change the path. You are on your way to where you are going.

2. Start how you want to proceed
This feels similar to the first. I have now remembered the context in which I heard these first three phrases. This was from the speech given to the advocates who were admitted to the bar on 5th August 2022. It was in relation to practising as an advocate but I think it applies generally in every other aspect of daily life.

3. It never goes wrong; it starts wrong.
Ever since I heard this phrase that is all I have been seeing. In everything going wrong, I go back to the start as I analyze how wrong it started.

4. It is okay for things to end.
I was happy to learn that I was not the only one with this challenge. I was listening to the messy in-between podcast and Lydia KM was sharing how she has a hard time with relationships coming to an end. She feels like she did not make a right choice from the beginning or work hard enough to ensure it stands the test of time. For her failure was a reflection of her effort or lack thereof. I would like to enjoy the metamorphosis and not put pressure on things to become anything.

5. Kataa vitu zingine hadi zikukatae.
These are the famous words of one of my friends which stuck with me the first time I heard her say them. The example I have hits home for Kenyans. Parents and relatives will always urge you to take on things you do not want or like especially jobs just so you have something to do. They cannot fathom you turning down an offer just because it isn’t something you want. We have tested this principle and it works. During the testing of your patience in the process just keep ku kataa those things hadi zikukatae.

Since my writing, I finished morning noon and night. This book challenges my generalisation of strong lead female characters that is Sidney Sheldon’s Style. The mastermind here was a man and the story revolved around a wealthy man who was stingy with his children. He could not even spare love and affection. One of the children outwits the others in wanting to inherit more but the culprit is stopped. We do see a successful fashion designer and learn a bit about that industry. There is also the rags-to-riches story of one of the children. I reread The Mothers by Brit Bennet in a day as I felt the urgent need to relieve the plot. The writing made me start on the Vanishing half also by Brit Bennet and I can safely say my reading mojo is back.

Looking forward to a balance of writing and reading in November.
Until then, love and light.

Posted on

Lost illusions

My favourite place has to be between pages of books, experiencing art in any form be it orchestra, live band, play, or looking at art pieces. An experience that shifts my attention to the present. Things that make me one and fully immersed.

I write this post moments after stepping out into the chaotic world. For 2hrs 33 minutes my attention had been taken captive by a French film. While writing this I am taken back to the quiet room, not so quiet because we can hear the actors’ voices. Here I am reminded of the beauty that the French language is; very soothing. I feel like God’s favourite child because I can perceive art in another language. I easily fit in the English, French and my Native communities.

This is true to my air sign, duality. This evening I chose to be entertained in a dark room blocking everything else out of mind. I am never quick to rush out of the theatre; I always need a few minutes to gather myself. I am buying time to find the right words to describe what I have had the pleasure of experiencing. In there I have lived my wildest fantasy and ceased to exist. I was Julian writing critiques and praise. I was colerie rehearsing for plays and wondering whether we will pay enough to get applause from the crowd, and I was the director watching this beautiful script come to play. I had none of my worries.

Screenshot from AF

In the 15 minutes I was waiting for the film to start showing, I remembered my first time in that very room as an eager student who was in awe of the facility that Nairobi people had at their disposal. Finding French material was an uphill task but I devoted myself to it. I would ask my teacher to listen as I practiced reading aloud. I would speak French every opportunity I got to get the accent. I have been in this theatre numerous times, most times unaccompanied but I remember the few times an unlucky boy who had captured my attention would be forced to tag along and watch the films with me. I wonder if they look back with regret or sneak back to watch a film and remember how naive they were. I hope they have brought a girl or two. I thank the universe that we have not bumped into each other while in the company of other people or at all. So were they just coming for me. Maybe they are working to forget that part of their lives. I am sure though one of the humble beginnings, it is told with fond memories.

The best part of having someone accompany you is the slow stroll afterward. Talking about the art that spark joy in you and relieving the moment shared. It forms a bond that I can only liken to that of mother and child at birth. One that is soon to be broken by the severing of the umbilical cord which is when each of you parts to get on their way. I have considered bringing my new suitors to take part in the tradition but I guard it more fiercely. I do hope to find someone who enjoys the art scene and not one who will persevere in the name of sowing fruits.

Achieng Nyakoe pleasantly asked if she could sit next to me. Separated by my bag was a French couple and I loved picking bits of their conversation. Achieng and I talked about experiences. She does not need friendship to stand the test of time. She is grateful for the time the friendship lasted and feels that is a wholesome approach. I think attaining that is what each person strives to and I cannot help but wonder why relationships have an end? Why can’t we just morph our friendship from moths to caterpillars and butterflies; ever-present in different forms throughout the change.

We could not talk much because the film started. We were like programmed robots because immediately the title came on the screen we fell silent and not a word conveying the possibility of picking up the conversation later. Suffice it to say the film was captivating at best. After 2hrs and 33minutes it did need to end. Maybe this answers my previous concern on why good relationships have an end.

In the film Julian loved. He spent his fortunes entertaining, gambling, and partaking in worldly pleasures until he got in debt. Colerie was by his side at all times stopping people from pointing out the obvious even when he would drink himself silly and have himself in another woman’s arms. The film had subtle jokes one of them being there’s no friendship. Julian suffers and in the end one ponders is this my reality?

Maybe we should be happy in the moment without waiting for the promise of happy ever after. Maybe these best times are Julian’s and we play Collerie who is on standby and daring people not to point a finger at the obvious. At the risk of sounding folly, I would want to believe that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. In the spirit of kukataa vitu hadi zinikatae, I am refusing to have someone hold a place in my life if they are not deeply immersed in the arts. I want each of us to separately get lost and together find ourselves in it. I want to morph from moth, caterpillar and butterfly. I want us in concerts, plays, films, polo matches, art exhibitions and any full expression of self that we will lose ourselves and emerge new beings speaking art.

Posted on

To my girls,

It is hard for me to tell what my readers like. I have life update posts, book reviews, edutainment-like posts and pretty much anything I feel inspired to write. Is it that you like what I like or you like what I write because they are both the same thing. I thought this post would not be for my typical readers then I wondered who my typical readers are. The demographics of those who have subscribed to be notified is completely different from that wordpress notifys me engage with my post. I will just keep writing what I like.

Yesterday I was with company and I was asked to make porridge. Apparently, the person had missed porridge and had no idea how to make. I like cooking and there are many things I learn by checking online recipes. I could think of several solutions my company had; had he tried following instructions on the porridge flour because it is always right there, maybe even goggle but he saw it fit to ask me to make it for him.

As I was stirring the paste I kept thinking that maybe he had tried making porridge but he lacked the patience required. Porridge tends to form balls of flour when left unattended. I hate drinking porridge that has those balls because I am forced to keep spitting them out or swallow depending on my relationship with the person who cooked. I stood over the pot diligently stirring while also giving it time to cook undisturbed. I could not help but feel sorry for girls my age who had no idea what is coming their way upon marriage. I do not have expertise on the subject but having lived with a man, I think I have a rough Idea which is better than theoretical knowledge.

I have not been privileged to attend weddings this far in the year. There is a wedding I attended sometime back and I enjoyed the sermon. The pastor intimated that man and woman are different. They were created differently and the two reason differently. Every single day I see these differences and what would be so obvious to me is not as obvious to my male company and vice versa. What cracked me up was the pastor’s statement to the newlyweds that when either of them gets frustrated because of these differences, they should try accommodate the other otherwise they should have married someone from their gender who will see things as they do.

Glennon Doyle thought that was not such a bad idea. She advocates for writing the truest, most beautiful story about your life you can imagine and then conjure up the courage to make real the imagined. In her imagining her truest life, she ended up in a partnership with a woman. Here is her monologue from her book untamed:

What I want to say is: What if I wasn’t born this way at all? What if I married Abby not just because I’m gay but because I’m smart? What if I did choose my sexuality and my marriage and they are simply the truest, wisest, most beautiful, most faithful, most divine decisions I’ve ever made in my entire life? What if I have come to see same-gender love as a really solid choice- just a brilliant idea?

At this point I feel like I have to tread carefully with what I write next. Just to bring clarity to my new readers and those who have been following the blog, I share lots of things that I come across even when I am still processing. I advocate for learning, un-learning and relearning. Maya Angelou says that we do our best until we know better then we do better.

I am inclined to think that those who opt to move in with their partners want to see these differences and decide whether they are willing to put up with the differences. There is a line of thought against doing that and I chose to reiterate Glennon Doyle when she advocates going with what is truest for you.

I must have talked about this book in a previous post Can we skip to the good part but having revisited the ideologies raised, I would advocate for you to read the book and form opinions of your own. I am excited as I wait for the hard copy that I am shipping as I believe I would want this book in my collection having read an e-copy.

I do not know what will prepare girls my age for the part of their lives they will share with their significant others. I cringe when I think of all the things I have had to learn, unlearn and re-learn and I do not know where to start sharing. I think their only hope will be to do their best until they know better and even while doing their best, I will completely advocate for not losing yourself in the process, here is another excerpt from Glennon’s book that I hope convinces you to get a copy for yourself.

…women who are best at this disappearing act earn the highest praise: she is so selfless.

Can you imagine? The epitome of womanhood is to lose one’s self completely.

I love myself now. Self-love means that I have a relationship with myself built on trust and loyalty. I trust myself to have my own back so my allegiance is to the voice within. I’ll abandon everyone else’s expectations of me before I’ll abandon myself. I’ll disappoint everyone else before I disappoint myself. I’ll forsake all others before I’ll forsake myself. Me and Myself we are till death do us part.

As I am at it, I will leave a screenshot of a post I came across that is in line with what Glennon says and may be what girls my age need to hear in addition to the above.

Choose yourself as you listen to the voice within.

Posted on

Queenie

Queenie, the title of the book, and the main character’s name. It was my turn to choose a book of the month in my book club and I was blank. Of course I had books on my to-be-read list but I could not settle on a safe book that would be interesting enough to discuss. I got some help in choosing this book and the guy who encouraged me to pick it would be reading it for the third time. I do not have a book that I have re-read more than once. I think I should re-read two of Paulo Coelho’s books because I may have a better understanding of them now.

I have to give credit for the book cover. I think we under-estimate the great lengths the people tasked with coming up with book covers go to. It took Colleen Hoover’s books for me to realize that the same book can have different covers in different geographical locations. They really want us to judge the books by the cover I would think. Maybe they realized we do it anyway. I do not think a book’s cover has been the reason I pick up a book or leave one. Book covers have to some extent enhanced my experience while reading the book. I should analyze books by their covers before the year ends.

I prefer books that have the chapters in a flow more than those with one person narrating then the other character narrating. I am also liking the use of text messages in books because that is really how friends communicate, that and screenshots. I am looking forward to a book that will have characters communicating through memes. If the main character is female and has a friend group with different personalities and we get to see how she relates to each of the friends, more points for the book. We should also have male characters’ friendships explored.

I have been holding off having a stand-alone post for this book so my memory is not as fresh. I write this having read 4 other books since I finished Queenie and it has been so much in my head that I had to give in. I like authors who give a time, place, and persona to their characters. Queenie is a black female dating a white guy Tom and there is a lot to unpack on biracial couples and white privilege. This reminds me of such a fun age by Kiley Reid which had a white character who dated black girls so that he is not identified as racist but he very much was. Racism is not much of what my Kenyan audience encounters but I still recommend Queenie because it unpacks more than that.

Queenie has 3 friends. We learn how she became close to each of them and see how friends from high school, friends from college and work colleagues come together albeit each knowing you at different stages of life. Queenie has some phase in her life when she is figuring things out and her friends are patient through it. I like that we get to see the friends hang out after work, go to a BLM protest, a concert, it made the characters more real.

Queenie’s therapy helped me as a reader. I loved how much she grows from the beginning to the end of the book. The book is so realistic that the author acknowledges that there are journies in life we take solo. A friend might hold your hand, a family says prayers for you but you take the journey by yourself. It reminds me of untamed by Glennon Doyle; another book I would recommend to my female audience.

I would have done this book more justice had I written a draft the moment I finished the book but this is also good because I do not divulge all the juice. The four books I read and Queenie were all centered on female characters navigating their lives. Tell me lies by Carola Lovering is another that I would want to write about because the story is not one of those tired romances.

I am currently relating to the lives of all those different characters and picking nuggets from each of the books.

Thank you for reaching this far in your reading. Competing with tik toks, status viewing and short tweets there is no room for long blog posts. As a life update, It sucks going through something I foreshadowed here https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/367 but I have to remind myself not to wish to skip to the good part https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/962. I want to channel this girl https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/386 but I am more of this one https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/565 searching for a song. I guess I fell https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/743 and my description in musings was right. I could go on in this post https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/912 as there is much I am realizing https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/912 . I look forward to reading this paragraph in the future when it is all in the past.

current playlist

1. One Republic -I Lived (most relatable line: with every broken bone I swear I lived ) 2. Philip Philips- gone gone gone (most relatable line: I’ll love you long after you’re gone) 3. Avicii- without you (most relatable line: I gotta learn how to love without you, I gotta carry my cross without you, stuck in the middle and I’m just about to, figure it out without you) 4. Bruno Mars- When I was your man (most relatable line: the whole of it)

Posted on

Not dropping the ball

sourced from pinterest

It is easy for me to write book reviews because I am always reading even when busy. It is quite a shock that even in months that come hard at me I still manage to read. This month, I have read 4 books that I could write about but I really wanted a different kind of post. I have been working on a very introspective post being my birth month but it went off tangent and I cannot salvage the bits of me left.

June 2022 has been very peculiar. It feels like a roller coaster and when the ride slows and I can finally catch my breath, someone opens sprinklers with ice-cold water and I am wondering whether it is refreshingly cold because my heart was just about to escape my chest or whether I am experiencing hypothermia and the fight for my life is not yet over.

Since the inception of the blog in August 2019 I have never missed posting each month and June 2022 is not about to be the exception. It takes the hand of God for me to push that publish button because the writing no longer remains private. No vision board could have predicted my starting a blog but either way I still beat myself up because I do not have one; a vision board that is.

I have heard people talk of their dream jobs and I tried picturing what that is for me. I could not name a particular company but thought of attributes I would want it to have. I want a job that is fulfilling and engages me. It should also have those tasks that I can easily carry out on those less productive days. I want a job that has travel opportunities or one that will pay me enough to organize the travel on my own. I should be able to detach from work during leave days and the weekend because personal time is respected.

I want a job that is interested in training its people to ensure they are all-rounded and gives them the opportunity to relate. I want good healthcare insurance but mostly a job that will not contribute to me developing any health problems. It will be a bonus if I do not dread Mondays. My dream job is not limited to employment, I am open to any money-making venture that will have those attributes.

My Linked In has been ablaze with my peers announcing the start of their careers and yet for me it feels like I am juggling and I am barely holding onto one aspect of my life before I have to hold onto another that is slipping. It is not really juggling but more of participating in a sport whose task is to carry a pale of water using strings and the art is controlling the tension of the strings as this will help you safely pour the water collected into the empty bottle. Throughout the exercise there is a lot of shifting and figuring things out. This was an activity we did for team building earlier in the year.

I have lots of time. I have been binging Orange is the New Black every day and night for a week now. I take breaks in between and spend an unhealthy amount of time scrolling my phone as I move from whatsaap, pinterest, instagram and twitter. Whenever I try muster the energy to do something productive like studying french or resuming my online courses so that I can explain the gap in my CV and have something more to bring to the table, I convince myself that bingeing is a worthy cause and that I do not have to be constantly productive.

June 2022 has really shaped my adult life. I have enjoyed a week-long solitude and realized that I do not have to travel outside the country to discover myself. In today’s session, we realized that I have a cavity and I was instructed to keep monitoring my tooth. I am currently not in pain and it is not posing a risk so we decided to leave the tooth. I am encouraged to find out how other people are managing their cavities.

June 2022 brought my nearest and dearest back to the fold. I am always in awe of the beautiful friendships I have been able to nurture along the way including one with my mother. Like the man in the picture, I am not dropping the ball.

Posted on

A man called Ove

I have never been so wrong about a book as I was with this one. Sometime in 2020, I shared the books I had read and a friend suggested that I have this as my next read. I read the blurb and wondered what the possibility was that several people would shelve this book on first attempt. I kept toying with the idea of reading the book because much as photos are a representation of what the person behind the camera sees, book recommendations sort of function the same way.

Last month when we were deliberating which book to read in May, a fellow member of the book club suggested this book. I thought It is about time I gave it another shot because there is really no better time than the present. This is how I got myself to read it two days before our book club meeting.

I could not nearly bring myself to like the name Ove. It sounds so incomplete probably a middle name or a nickname; it begs to be complemented by another name. Then who has sentences for chapters? This alone should have signaled that I was in for extraordinary.

Books these days have one of three styles; the writer has a then chapter followed by a chapter narrating events as they unfold or we get the perspective of one main character in one chapter followed by the other relevant character in the next chapter and lastly the book just flows as it is either the present, past or a letter another character in the book is reading.

A man called Ove has focus and direction a storytelling skill I was recently told I possess. The author wants to tell a story but for the main story to achieve its purpose, the reader needs to be acquainted with the feeder stories but not in detail, just enough flesh for them to shed light on the main story and also ensure the reader does not lose sight of the end goal.

A time like that comes for every man when he chooses what sort of man he wants to be. And if you don’t know the story, you don’t know the man.

Ove is a grumpy old angry man. My English teacher would be disappointed that I have not employed the correct order of adjectives. From his perspective, rules are rules and rules should be followed. He is a stickler and a man who minds his business. I am not one for cast in stone routines but I do like order. As the book unfolds we get to really know the man Ove. He is such a funny character and now that I think about it his lifestyle reminded me of lagom and why I would want to live in Sweden for a period in my life.

I like my space and in the beginning, I could not understand what is glorified about other characters always coming into Ove’s way and stopping him mid-track. Why wasn’t the universe conspiring to get him his heart’s desire? Was it too much to ask? In the end I realized that the universe did grant him his desire. This book is not about Sonja but I have come to love her. I think this book is the truest depiction of life and everyone should read it at some point in their lives.

Loving someone is like moving into a house. At first, you fall in love with all the new things, amazed every morning that all this belongs to you, as if fearing that someone would suddenly come rushing in through the door to explain that a terrible mistake had been made, you weren’t actually supposed to live in a wonderful place like this. Then over the years, the walls become weathered, the wood splinters here and there and you start to love that house not so much because of all its perfection but rather for its imperfections.

There is something about a handyman. One who uses his hands to fix and has his set of tools. The same way mothers insist that a girl who cannot cook will be returned by her husband should have been the same emphasis put on boys to learn how to remove an airlock, fix a sink backflow, replace a shower head, change bulbs, yes I said it bulbs you will be surprised.

My intention was not to give much away about the book but just to let you know that you have a book that can be added to your to be read.

Posted on

Progress

I realized I cared..

I did look for the next harbor and I was willing to let this ship dock.

I realized I loved..

I love and I know the price is grief and I do not want to sabotage the love to begin the grief

I realized I want..

I want this to run its course. I want to take no part in the death but I will handle the internment arrangement

I realized I worry

I worry that I may have become vulnerable and my weakness is no longer my strength

I realized I changed

I have changed my lens and now I notice all the grey areas

I realized I fear

I fear that I may say goodbye too soon. I fear that if I stay I may lose sight of my boundaries and lack the strength to assert myself in the future.

I realized I am strong

I am strong enough to know what I want. I am strong enough to go for what I want. I am strong enough to let others know they are stepping on me and I need them to back off

I realized I am weak

I see it happening but I need someone to speak up for me. I am weak enough to convince myself it will soon be over or that I would soon leave and that I do not have to speak about it I can wait it out.

I realized I breath

I breathe loud enough to make the sound of an ocean wave. I take shallow breaths and at times I am left gasping for air.

I realized I sulk

The child in me wants me to sit with my anger and sulk. The child in me has a reward policy, do good and you get a reward for it, do bad and my silent treatment will be loud.

I realized I play

I play the game. I want more choices, more chances, more levels, more characters, more lives.

I have kept building this draft since last year.. I have outgrown the initial phrases but like its title progress, this draft will never end as I keep realizing.

Posted on

Uncertain

People start the new year certain…

certain that the year will have twelve months..

certain about their goal, what they look forward to

some want new beginnings, a new home, a new job

most want to be a better version of themselves and they are certain of that.

2022 is uncertain for me…

I have no clear path in my mind of what I want to achieve

In fact, I categorically stated that I want the year to be..

Unlike the last years, I do not have academic milestones that I want to achieve before the year ends. I hope to read books and there is no pressure on the number of them that I should finish. I normally have a list of activities and places I would want to go but this year, I did not come up with a new list, I want to do the activities I can and visit the places I can and also clear my backlog of places and activities ( a yes person to the activities and books that find themselves my way).

If I could try some it up, this year I want to reboot myself.

I am in the process of slowly shutting down where the laptop closes all open tabs and asks whether you want to save the changes.

I do not have a list, I just have one goal and that is to work on myself.

Most things in my life have been certain

After high school my career path became certain

Mid university I got more clarity on the path I would take.

The type of music I liked was certain, comedies and drama were my go-to shows and reality quickly joined the list

The path in my career is no longer certain, I am now aware that interest in a particular field is one of the factors to consider but not the main factor. I am developing an interest in a path I had written off since I scored terrible grades on the unit back in campus.

Back then I thought a job that is constantly demanding of you, keeping you on your toes is what I want. Now, I know such a job signifies a gap; it is either the organisation is understaffed, or the tasks are not evenly distributed among the available workforce.

When the year started, I had a goal. I planned to work on myself. I took steps in that direction and what I found startled me. I believe I am making progress and I battled with changing some things. I asked, why can’t I be accommodated for who I am? Along the process, I got the serenity to change the things I can, accept those I cannot and I am now working on knowing the difference.

This clearly was a January post but the draft has just felt ready end of first quarter of the year. April also feels like a beginning for me. I was certain that France would welcome me latest October 2022 and that plan has not materialized now I am back to the uncertainty. France is this fleeting dream that I always keep chasing and maybe the plot has always been for me to find new ways of getting there or wander for 40 years before that; lol.

My career is taking shape and I am very uncertain as to what direction that would be. My relationship is as uncertain as most could be but not to the extent that the weather has been of late. I do want to end on a positive note but I am uncertain of that.

Keep reading the blog for updates

Posted on

Can we skip to the good part

Sourced from pinterest

I know better days are yet to come and that the Lord always has good plans for us; plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a bright future. I hear that there is power in manifesting and we have to dream big. That our efforts today are to pay off in some near future where things will be better. That we know things are better when we can afford the lifestyle of not having to work to make a living and being in control of our time which we will spend sipping a cold drink at the beach and showing up for random plans with friends in far off destinations, look cute and post lots of photos for the gram.

I want to be. I want to wallow in the present. I want to exist here and now where things are not yet figured out. I want to enjoy what I currently have but I constantly find myself making 3 year goals, seeing the future. My agemates have already started the next phase of life which is settling down with a partner and or having a child. I am already pressured to think what next in my career, where else in my destination, who else in my dating cycle.

Glennon Doyle writes in untamed that when you sink in deep within yourself you know. She advices that instead of looking up answers by asking what another in your position would do, feel what your body is telling you. She says look within and I realize I have been on the right path getting in touch with my feelings and staying. The holy book teaches be still and know. It is through staying in the hurt, staying in the indecision, staying in the unknown until you know.

Sourced from pinterest

I did not know before that woman told me that all feelings were for feeling. I did not know that I was supposed to feel everything. I thought I was supposed to feel happy. I thought that happy was for feeling and that pain was for fixing and numbing and deflecting and hiding and ignoring. I thought that when life got hard it was because I had gone wrong somewhere. I thought that pain was weakness and that I was supposed to suck it up.

This year I have accepted that I wear my feelings on my sleeve. When I am bored it shows on my face. I hate it when people point out that I look disinterested or when I have any other face on other than a smile. I would channel all my face muscles and contort them to at the very least form Monalisa’s half smile. It was my duty to show only happiness so that others around me get comfortable enough not to feel tasked with cheering me up. Truth is I do not want to be cheered up, I wanted to wallow in my saddness because that too is a feeling.

I do not want to skip anything. The excruciating pain of losing beautiful things: trust, dreams, health, animals, plants, relationships, people. I do not want to skip the mundane and constantly piecing together till things form shape.

Let us not skip to the good part.

Posted on

Qué sera sera

Site icon
Qué sera sera
At the end of the day, all reading will depend on what my brain chooses to remember on the exam day. After that, it depends on the examiners mood and how strict or lenient they choose to be.

There are only so many ways you can cross your legs and just a few postures to shift from.

Time still runs out whether you are in the 5am club or not.

Getting things done, well that depends.

I have tried reading several units a day each spanning just 2 hours. I changed to understanding units per topic. I later added going through past papers to get the feel of the exam and scrapped all that for jogging my memory to see whether I remember the points read and if I could explain them in my own words.

Will I ever be ready?

Do I want exams pushed an extra week?

What if I just get it over and done with?

I could read everything, understand everything. Interpreting the question well would definitely add me marks and the icing on the cake would be remembering everything I read and seemed to understand. At the end of the day, it heavily depends on the examiner, their mood, how lenient or strict they choose to be

Qué sera sera … what will be will be.

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started