Disappointment

What could have been failing to materialize. Despair seeping in, being resigned to whatever feels like taking stage next.

Sigh

Aaaagrh! I want to scream it out but decorum has to be maintained.

Sigh

If I stay still I will give room for the tear to roll out of my watery eyes. When I smile, it feels like I am stabbing my soul because the eyes which are the windows are not tinted.

The number of things in a day that could go wrong is uncountable because the possibility is in every single action. Despite beating the odds and having one, two or three go wrong we never see past that one.

I photograph my disappointments just as I do my success. Most days I learn from them but in certain occasions I pick a lesson that may be far from it.

I followed a recipe to the T but didn’t like the outcome

Who coats potatoes with maize flour and why would one even do that! Anyway this recipe stipulated so and I did. I know one can coat with flour and I really wanted it to work out but it did not. There went my time, flour, potatoes, cooking oil, gas, energy, enthusiasm and appetite and with that outcome, I went to bed hungry.

The lesson in that meal might probably have been not to coat potatoes with maize flour because I don’t fancy mine like that but instead I completely unfollowed that particular food blogger because I no longer trust the outcome of the recipes. I know someone would even argue that maybe the problem is the cook and not the recipe but I dare say I am pretty good at following instructions. After all, this is one fail from the many recipes of hers that I have tried. Many of the others did come out well but I just don’t agree with her measurements and her choice of spice as it tends to bring a flavour I do not desire in my meals though they are not entirely off.

Yet another epic fail. These are beef patties 😅.

I know!! It does not look like it but it did before I put them on the pan and somehow they turned out like this. At least they did not lack in taste and I would happily have them as sloppy Joes but since that was not the intention when trying the recipe I had to keep going.

My sloppy Joes before they failed the test of time

I had a little help from my brother who has great culinary skills and voilà!! Let’s just say the burger industry has lost me as a customer.

My charm is mostly on the second try God knows I may not have the patience to attempt a third.

Well, this mahamri’s almost never saw the light of day. When kneading the dough something was off… The consistency did not feel right and at some point I veered off the recipe directions. Being my 2nd time cooking mahamri’s on my own and the first not being so good, I was willing to accept that mahamri’s were just not my thing and look forward to my next visit to Coast. Having come that far and even skipping my online class to partake in this, I decided to see what would be of that dough that refused to stop sticking on my palms and my determination did pay off.

Most situations are like this… Sticky, messy, you want to easily do away with them but just hold on…You may get something beautiful from it.

I have been rather disappointed. I am not working out as much as I would want to, I am not as productive as I would wish to be, I have been struggling to get my water intake to 8 glasses a day, I have not even been as happy as I would want to be and all these got me disappointed. Creating things which is always my source of joy also stopped being because I ran out of ideas. My concentration span has not been long enough to lose myself in book reading like I always do hence it has been disappointment and I. My last disappointment being mid month and not having a draft worthy of publishing. The notifications from wordpress on gaining a follower did not help because I worried I have more people to disappoint. Watching someone else go through disappointment inspired this post. I hope you have not been disappointed reading this.

Image sourced from @rebac _Kenya IG handle. This tee is available for purchase.

I never knew you write…

I don’t.

Oh, the link you shared I thought that’s your site.

Why would you think so?

Fun and Laughter over everything is your tagline.

Aah… so that’s the tell. I do write. That’s my site. Just wanted to know how you found out because I don’t publicize it .

My excuse for not sharing my blog is to avoid disappointment. The only way one cannot be disappointed is if you do not have an expectation. When I share my link with you, and you do not read, I will be disappointed. Hence, I do not share the link with you and thus, I do not burden you with my expectation and as a result, I am not disappointed.

So do I write with an audience in mind? I do. I write in the hope that when you stumble upon the link, you will like what you read and subscribe to receive new post notifications. I also write ‘anonymously’ to receive both positive and constructive criticism. I want to know what you enjoy, what story resonates with you and what you do not appreciate.

From the dialogue above, a few of my friends have already figured the face behind the writing but for the many who have not, majority will before the end of this post.

Stumbling upon them made my day. Everyone knew about it but no one understood. Nevertheless, people safely kept 40 bob coins they came across to trade in with me or just give me to make my day as they knew it would. One time, I was really angry at someone. She approached me with three 40 bob coins at hand and I knew I had to let the grudge go. Without realizing, it also became a way of saving money. Now that the old currency is being phased out, I am developing another hobby.

New follower update, new like, 8 visitors, 1 view especially on those random days when I don’t have a new post light me up. Recently, I received an email recommending a new blog that people should read and to my surprise it was this link! Then is actually the first time I recorded my highest number of site visits in a day given that I have not been actively publicizing.

The stats do cheer me on but my greatest motivation is accessing the site from time to time and loving what I write. Abby encourages me to write; she is my 1st follower and every time I slack on a post I remember I promised her consistency and she waits for that notification. Being accountable to myself and my readers makes the many edits a pleasure.

Do you have a best friend ?

I don’t… I have many best friends.

I think you shouldn’t. The tittle itself puts so much pressure. A best Friend is like your right hand. There are things expected of the best friend that are not communicated.

Is it mutual? Does the person refer to you as best friend or they don’t even know you consider them as such?

Well for some it is mutual but for many it is an implied association.

This conversation that I had a while back is playing in my head. I’m the one with the many best friends. I think it relates to the disappointment and expectation theory I have. On 18th February 2018, I lost two friends who were really important to me. I expected them to show up and when they did not, I was disappointed. I had this expectation because it is what I would have done were the tables reversed. I do miss our friendship and at times wonder how things would have been if I didn’t have the expectation and took several steps back after the disappointment.

Taking several steps back is unhealthy because humans disappoint. It’s innate. We disappoint our Creator; how unlikely is it for us to disappoint fellow man?

Last year I decided to travel on my birthday so as not to expect people to show up if I plan a party and neither to be disappointed when they hit me with those non remorseful sorry texts later as I await their arrival. When I hit the road, I got so many phone calls; friends asking for my whereabouts. You should have told me they chimed. I actually have on several occasions in the past not necessarily my birthday and we all know how that turned out.

This year, I’m doing my best. My best to be impeccable with my word, not to take anything personally and never to make assumptions. These are the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz ( It’s a book you should read to have the four agreements explained). I’ll do my best to stop assuming people won’t open the link once I share it with them. If they don’t, I won’t take it personally. Most importantly, I will be impeccable with my word in the hope that others will and their yes to invitations will be a yes to showing up. Even if they don’t, I will do my best not to make assumptions and never to take it personally.

Don Ruiz encourages us that we might not always be able to achieve the four agreements but we must do our best to honor them. If you break an agreement, begin again tomorrow, and again the next day.

Tag: Disappointment

F.R.I.E.N.D.S