Tag: adulting

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To my girls,

It is hard for me to tell what my readers like. I have life update posts, book reviews, edutainment-like posts and pretty much anything I feel inspired to write. Is it that you like what I like or you like what I write because they are both the same thing. I thought this post would not be for my typical readers then I wondered who my typical readers are. The demographics of those who have subscribed to be notified is completely different from that wordpress notifys me engage with my post. I will just keep writing what I like.

Yesterday I was with company and I was asked to make porridge. Apparently, the person had missed porridge and had no idea how to make. I like cooking and there are many things I learn by checking online recipes. I could think of several solutions my company had; had he tried following instructions on the porridge flour because it is always right there, maybe even goggle but he saw it fit to ask me to make it for him.

As I was stirring the paste I kept thinking that maybe he had tried making porridge but he lacked the patience required. Porridge tends to form balls of flour when left unattended. I hate drinking porridge that has those balls because I am forced to keep spitting them out or swallow depending on my relationship with the person who cooked. I stood over the pot diligently stirring while also giving it time to cook undisturbed. I could not help but feel sorry for girls my age who had no idea what is coming their way upon marriage. I do not have expertise on the subject but having lived with a man, I think I have a rough Idea which is better than theoretical knowledge.

I have not been privileged to attend weddings this far in the year. There is a wedding I attended sometime back and I enjoyed the sermon. The pastor intimated that man and woman are different. They were created differently and the two reason differently. Every single day I see these differences and what would be so obvious to me is not as obvious to my male company and vice versa. What cracked me up was the pastor’s statement to the newlyweds that when either of them gets frustrated because of these differences, they should try accommodate the other otherwise they should have married someone from their gender who will see things as they do.

Glennon Doyle thought that was not such a bad idea. She advocates for writing the truest, most beautiful story about your life you can imagine and then conjure up the courage to make real the imagined. In her imagining her truest life, she ended up in a partnership with a woman. Here is her monologue from her book untamed:

What I want to say is: What if I wasn’t born this way at all? What if I married Abby not just because I’m gay but because I’m smart? What if I did choose my sexuality and my marriage and they are simply the truest, wisest, most beautiful, most faithful, most divine decisions I’ve ever made in my entire life? What if I have come to see same-gender love as a really solid choice- just a brilliant idea?

At this point I feel like I have to tread carefully with what I write next. Just to bring clarity to my new readers and those who have been following the blog, I share lots of things that I come across even when I am still processing. I advocate for learning, un-learning and relearning. Maya Angelou says that we do our best until we know better then we do better.

I am inclined to think that those who opt to move in with their partners want to see these differences and decide whether they are willing to put up with the differences. There is a line of thought against doing that and I chose to reiterate Glennon Doyle when she advocates going with what is truest for you.

I must have talked about this book in a previous post Can we skip to the good part but having revisited the ideologies raised, I would advocate for you to read the book and form opinions of your own. I am excited as I wait for the hard copy that I am shipping as I believe I would want this book in my collection having read an e-copy.

I do not know what will prepare girls my age for the part of their lives they will share with their significant others. I cringe when I think of all the things I have had to learn, unlearn and re-learn and I do not know where to start sharing. I think their only hope will be to do their best until they know better and even while doing their best, I will completely advocate for not losing yourself in the process, here is another excerpt from Glennon’s book that I hope convinces you to get a copy for yourself.

…women who are best at this disappearing act earn the highest praise: she is so selfless.

Can you imagine? The epitome of womanhood is to lose one’s self completely.

I love myself now. Self-love means that I have a relationship with myself built on trust and loyalty. I trust myself to have my own back so my allegiance is to the voice within. I’ll abandon everyone else’s expectations of me before I’ll abandon myself. I’ll disappoint everyone else before I disappoint myself. I’ll forsake all others before I’ll forsake myself. Me and Myself we are till death do us part.

As I am at it, I will leave a screenshot of a post I came across that is in line with what Glennon says and may be what girls my age need to hear in addition to the above.

Choose yourself as you listen to the voice within.

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Queenie

Queenie, the title of the book, and the main character’s name. It was my turn to choose a book of the month in my book club and I was blank. Of course I had books on my to-be-read list but I could not settle on a safe book that would be interesting enough to discuss. I got some help in choosing this book and the guy who encouraged me to pick it would be reading it for the third time. I do not have a book that I have re-read more than once. I think I should re-read two of Paulo Coelho’s books because I may have a better understanding of them now.

I have to give credit for the book cover. I think we under-estimate the great lengths the people tasked with coming up with book covers go to. It took Colleen Hoover’s books for me to realize that the same book can have different covers in different geographical locations. They really want us to judge the books by the cover I would think. Maybe they realized we do it anyway. I do not think a book’s cover has been the reason I pick up a book or leave one. Book covers have to some extent enhanced my experience while reading the book. I should analyze books by their covers before the year ends.

I prefer books that have the chapters in a flow more than those with one person narrating then the other character narrating. I am also liking the use of text messages in books because that is really how friends communicate, that and screenshots. I am looking forward to a book that will have characters communicating through memes. If the main character is female and has a friend group with different personalities and we get to see how she relates to each of the friends, more points for the book. We should also have male characters’ friendships explored.

I have been holding off having a stand-alone post for this book so my memory is not as fresh. I write this having read 4 other books since I finished Queenie and it has been so much in my head that I had to give in. I like authors who give a time, place, and persona to their characters. Queenie is a black female dating a white guy Tom and there is a lot to unpack on biracial couples and white privilege. This reminds me of such a fun age by Kiley Reid which had a white character who dated black girls so that he is not identified as racist but he very much was. Racism is not much of what my Kenyan audience encounters but I still recommend Queenie because it unpacks more than that.

Queenie has 3 friends. We learn how she became close to each of them and see how friends from high school, friends from college and work colleagues come together albeit each knowing you at different stages of life. Queenie has some phase in her life when she is figuring things out and her friends are patient through it. I like that we get to see the friends hang out after work, go to a BLM protest, a concert, it made the characters more real.

Queenie’s therapy helped me as a reader. I loved how much she grows from the beginning to the end of the book. The book is so realistic that the author acknowledges that there are journies in life we take solo. A friend might hold your hand, a family says prayers for you but you take the journey by yourself. It reminds me of untamed by Glennon Doyle; another book I would recommend to my female audience.

I would have done this book more justice had I written a draft the moment I finished the book but this is also good because I do not divulge all the juice. The four books I read and Queenie were all centered on female characters navigating their lives. Tell me lies by Carola Lovering is another that I would want to write about because the story is not one of those tired romances.

I am currently relating to the lives of all those different characters and picking nuggets from each of the books.

Thank you for reaching this far in your reading. Competing with tik toks, status viewing and short tweets there is no room for long blog posts. As a life update, It sucks going through something I foreshadowed here https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/367 but I have to remind myself not to wish to skip to the good part https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/962. I want to channel this girl https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/386 but I am more of this one https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/565 searching for a song. I guess I fell https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/743 and my description in musings was right. I could go on in this post https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/912 as there is much I am realizing https://wordpress.com/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/912 . I look forward to reading this paragraph in the future when it is all in the past.

current playlist

1. One Republic -I Lived (most relatable line: with every broken bone I swear I lived ) 2. Philip Philips- gone gone gone (most relatable line: I’ll love you long after you’re gone) 3. Avicii- without you (most relatable line: I gotta learn how to love without you, I gotta carry my cross without you, stuck in the middle and I’m just about to, figure it out without you) 4. Bruno Mars- When I was your man (most relatable line: the whole of it)

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Not dropping the ball

sourced from pinterest

It is easy for me to write book reviews because I am always reading even when busy. It is quite a shock that even in months that come hard at me I still manage to read. This month, I have read 4 books that I could write about but I really wanted a different kind of post. I have been working on a very introspective post being my birth month but it went off tangent and I cannot salvage the bits of me left.

June 2022 has been very peculiar. It feels like a roller coaster and when the ride slows and I can finally catch my breath, someone opens sprinklers with ice-cold water and I am wondering whether it is refreshingly cold because my heart was just about to escape my chest or whether I am experiencing hypothermia and the fight for my life is not yet over.

Since the inception of the blog in August 2019 I have never missed posting each month and June 2022 is not about to be the exception. It takes the hand of God for me to push that publish button because the writing no longer remains private. No vision board could have predicted my starting a blog but either way I still beat myself up because I do not have one; a vision board that is.

I have heard people talk of their dream jobs and I tried picturing what that is for me. I could not name a particular company but thought of attributes I would want it to have. I want a job that is fulfilling and engages me. It should also have those tasks that I can easily carry out on those less productive days. I want a job that has travel opportunities or one that will pay me enough to organize the travel on my own. I should be able to detach from work during leave days and the weekend because personal time is respected.

I want a job that is interested in training its people to ensure they are all-rounded and gives them the opportunity to relate. I want good healthcare insurance but mostly a job that will not contribute to me developing any health problems. It will be a bonus if I do not dread Mondays. My dream job is not limited to employment, I am open to any money-making venture that will have those attributes.

My Linked In has been ablaze with my peers announcing the start of their careers and yet for me it feels like I am juggling and I am barely holding onto one aspect of my life before I have to hold onto another that is slipping. It is not really juggling but more of participating in a sport whose task is to carry a pale of water using strings and the art is controlling the tension of the strings as this will help you safely pour the water collected into the empty bottle. Throughout the exercise there is a lot of shifting and figuring things out. This was an activity we did for team building earlier in the year.

I have lots of time. I have been binging Orange is the New Black every day and night for a week now. I take breaks in between and spend an unhealthy amount of time scrolling my phone as I move from whatsaap, pinterest, instagram and twitter. Whenever I try muster the energy to do something productive like studying french or resuming my online courses so that I can explain the gap in my CV and have something more to bring to the table, I convince myself that bingeing is a worthy cause and that I do not have to be constantly productive.

June 2022 has really shaped my adult life. I have enjoyed a week-long solitude and realized that I do not have to travel outside the country to discover myself. In today’s session, we realized that I have a cavity and I was instructed to keep monitoring my tooth. I am currently not in pain and it is not posing a risk so we decided to leave the tooth. I am encouraged to find out how other people are managing their cavities.

June 2022 brought my nearest and dearest back to the fold. I am always in awe of the beautiful friendships I have been able to nurture along the way including one with my mother. Like the man in the picture, I am not dropping the ball.

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Progress

I realized I cared..

I did look for the next harbor and I was willing to let this ship dock.

I realized I loved..

I love and I know the price is grief and I do not want to sabotage the love to begin the grief

I realized I want..

I want this to run its course. I want to take no part in the death but I will handle the internment arrangement

I realized I worry

I worry that I may have become vulnerable and my weakness is no longer my strength

I realized I changed

I have changed my lens and now I notice all the grey areas

I realized I fear

I fear that I may say goodbye too soon. I fear that if I stay I may lose sight of my boundaries and lack the strength to assert myself in the future.

I realized I am strong

I am strong enough to know what I want. I am strong enough to go for what I want. I am strong enough to let others know they are stepping on me and I need them to back off

I realized I am weak

I see it happening but I need someone to speak up for me. I am weak enough to convince myself it will soon be over or that I would soon leave and that I do not have to speak about it I can wait it out.

I realized I breath

I breathe loud enough to make the sound of an ocean wave. I take shallow breaths and at times I am left gasping for air.

I realized I sulk

The child in me wants me to sit with my anger and sulk. The child in me has a reward policy, do good and you get a reward for it, do bad and my silent treatment will be loud.

I realized I play

I play the game. I want more choices, more chances, more levels, more characters, more lives.

I have kept building this draft since last year.. I have outgrown the initial phrases but like its title progress, this draft will never end as I keep realizing.

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Uncertain

People start the new year certain…

certain that the year will have twelve months..

certain about their goal, what they look forward to

some want new beginnings, a new home, a new job

most want to be a better version of themselves and they are certain of that.

2022 is uncertain for me…

I have no clear path in my mind of what I want to achieve

In fact, I categorically stated that I want the year to be..

Unlike the last years, I do not have academic milestones that I want to achieve before the year ends. I hope to read books and there is no pressure on the number of them that I should finish. I normally have a list of activities and places I would want to go but this year, I did not come up with a new list, I want to do the activities I can and visit the places I can and also clear my backlog of places and activities ( a yes person to the activities and books that find themselves my way).

If I could try some it up, this year I want to reboot myself.

I am in the process of slowly shutting down where the laptop closes all open tabs and asks whether you want to save the changes.

I do not have a list, I just have one goal and that is to work on myself.

Most things in my life have been certain

After high school my career path became certain

Mid university I got more clarity on the path I would take.

The type of music I liked was certain, comedies and drama were my go-to shows and reality quickly joined the list

The path in my career is no longer certain, I am now aware that interest in a particular field is one of the factors to consider but not the main factor. I am developing an interest in a path I had written off since I scored terrible grades on the unit back in campus.

Back then I thought a job that is constantly demanding of you, keeping you on your toes is what I want. Now, I know such a job signifies a gap; it is either the organisation is understaffed, or the tasks are not evenly distributed among the available workforce.

When the year started, I had a goal. I planned to work on myself. I took steps in that direction and what I found startled me. I believe I am making progress and I battled with changing some things. I asked, why can’t I be accommodated for who I am? Along the process, I got the serenity to change the things I can, accept those I cannot and I am now working on knowing the difference.

This clearly was a January post but the draft has just felt ready end of first quarter of the year. April also feels like a beginning for me. I was certain that France would welcome me latest October 2022 and that plan has not materialized now I am back to the uncertainty. France is this fleeting dream that I always keep chasing and maybe the plot has always been for me to find new ways of getting there or wander for 40 years before that; lol.

My career is taking shape and I am very uncertain as to what direction that would be. My relationship is as uncertain as most could be but not to the extent that the weather has been of late. I do want to end on a positive note but I am uncertain of that.

Keep reading the blog for updates

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Can we skip to the good part

Sourced from pinterest

I know better days are yet to come and that the Lord always has good plans for us; plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a bright future. I hear that there is power in manifesting and we have to dream big. That our efforts today are to pay off in some near future where things will be better. That we know things are better when we can afford the lifestyle of not having to work to make a living and being in control of our time which we will spend sipping a cold drink at the beach and showing up for random plans with friends in far off destinations, look cute and post lots of photos for the gram.

I want to be. I want to wallow in the present. I want to exist here and now where things are not yet figured out. I want to enjoy what I currently have but I constantly find myself making 3 year goals, seeing the future. My agemates have already started the next phase of life which is settling down with a partner and or having a child. I am already pressured to think what next in my career, where else in my destination, who else in my dating cycle.

Glennon Doyle writes in untamed that when you sink in deep within yourself you know. She advices that instead of looking up answers by asking what another in your position would do, feel what your body is telling you. She says look within and I realize I have been on the right path getting in touch with my feelings and staying. The holy book teaches be still and know. It is through staying in the hurt, staying in the indecision, staying in the unknown until you know.

Sourced from pinterest

I did not know before that woman told me that all feelings were for feeling. I did not know that I was supposed to feel everything. I thought I was supposed to feel happy. I thought that happy was for feeling and that pain was for fixing and numbing and deflecting and hiding and ignoring. I thought that when life got hard it was because I had gone wrong somewhere. I thought that pain was weakness and that I was supposed to suck it up.

This year I have accepted that I wear my feelings on my sleeve. When I am bored it shows on my face. I hate it when people point out that I look disinterested or when I have any other face on other than a smile. I would channel all my face muscles and contort them to at the very least form Monalisa’s half smile. It was my duty to show only happiness so that others around me get comfortable enough not to feel tasked with cheering me up. Truth is I do not want to be cheered up, I wanted to wallow in my saddness because that too is a feeling.

I do not want to skip anything. The excruciating pain of losing beautiful things: trust, dreams, health, animals, plants, relationships, people. I do not want to skip the mundane and constantly piecing together till things form shape.

Let us not skip to the good part.

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The life of a perfectionist

For you on this auspicious day

It’s quite simple what is perceived as good and what would fundamentally be bad. Did you know you are not just supposed to love your neighbor but love them more than you love yourself? Apparently, if you aspire to a higher standard the world would eventually become a better place.

What a fucking cunt! That is what he thought he was for watching the phone ring and not being bothered because the caller would have ruined his mood.

Was he a fundamentally bad person for telling his colleague earlier that he had to take his lunch break because helping the colleague was not supposed to go over his mealtime. Was he mean when he blatantly said that he would not put in extra time to help a colleague who should have better managed their time so as not to be caught working past office hours. The same colleague who devotes every minute of every day to his desk without taking as much as a water break. He would delegate his lavatory visits if he could.

Would he be a fundamentally bad person if he expresses how distasteful it is to only gift ranging from socks, wallets, belts and or boxers. Is it so much to ask to be dined for a change or be the one receiving a phone call instead of constantly making the routine phone calls. Would he be breaking the social norms if he lets her pay the bill, if he throws a tantrum because his one and only request fell on deaf ears, or if he suggests that they each gift themselves instead of gifting each other because maybe then he would get what he truly wants. Would he be selfish if he lets their daily phone call slip his mind because of their inability to engage each other’s minds in thought-provoking conversation.

He follows rules … Rules dictate that he has to be obedient to his parents. Would he be a fundamentally bad person if he chooses what to obey because he can deduce right from wrong. Should he be a stickler to their wants and needs and put his aside never to be met. When would he be right to choose what is best for him? Would he be an ungrateful child if he recognizes the heartache that came with their love, the toxicity that accompanied their parenting.

Who came up with the rules? Who made right and wrong? Why did his conscience haunt him and he gave fucks about everything. He always thought about his mannerisms during the day. Was he too loud, did that sound arrogant, was he patient enough, could he devote more of his time, was this or that behaviour befitting of him. Could he walk away when angry and not torment himself on how he could have handled the situation better. Why could the other person not check their offensive tone it has to be him. Why should he be the one to apologize. Would he be loving her more than he loves himself if he stops pointing out the things he does not like and take her for who she is. Should he pretend he did not see it coming yet ever since the first time, the second, third, and fourth he knows she wants to act differently but keeps acting in the same way.. something about teaching an old dog new tricks.

He wonders if he is a fundamentally bad person for wearing his emotions on his sleeve. He does not smile at people he is not happy with. If he is cross at you, you will only need to be in his presence to find out because the disdain will be all over the face. When you ask, he will tell you unflinchingly what actions of yours have brought out the animal in him. His mother warned that he should learn to mask his feelings. Just smile even when deep down you want to grab the person’s throat and block their airwave. Smile even when they are stepping on your toes and it hurts. Laugh with your enemies and even dine with them… That is what it means to love another more than you love yourself.

He does not want that … He does not want fake smiles and niceties which are only a facade. He does not want to spend any minute longer than necessary exchanging pleasantries with people he much rather presume dead and buried as far as he is concerned. He is tired of being kind to everybody. He is tired of this mask that he has to put on. He is tired of the phrase everything will be alright and that God is in control. He will stand up for himself. He will occupy space, he will wear his emotions on his sleeve and for once watch the other person get uncomfortable and decide whether to stay put or leave. He will stop overthinking his actions and questioning whether he is fundamentally wrong.

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Entertainment, edutainment.

This week ( read sometime in June. It’s been that long in my drafts) while looking for entertainment, I realized how dynamics have changed. Long gone are the days when our parents finished school and had appointment letters waiting for them to join the workforce. Then came the days of motivational speakers who using stories such as that of the owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken encouraged us that late blooming is okay. Fast forward to Gen z who are already making their first million before they figure out their career paths doing effortlessly what they love.

Chebet Rono, a kenyan blogger and radio presenter while celebrating her 20th birthday in June listed some of the milestones she accomplished at 19: Appearing in a magazine, headlining a couple of blogs, earning her first million, meeting and interviewing her Kenyan Idols, Having 4.2 million YouTube views and appearing on most of the Kenyan TV networks. At nineteen I had no accomplishments other than being alive and joining campus. She’s just one out of many… Chloe from the Netflix show too hot to handle also turned 20 this year. She’s a model, she got several brand ambassador deals after the show and she also came up with her own branded clothing attire ‘ love yourself queens‘. I’m just watching Patricia Bright reacting to how a 20 year old spends her 40,000 dollars salary and I’m equally in awe.

Patricia, as I am is shocked about the things the girl spends her money on. Key word there is her money. The girl in the video is a designer and she started hand stitching her designs from age 15. At that young age she was already competing in project runway junior and got her exposure. She does her designing part time and still manages an 8-5 job. This is depressing for my Kenyan audience because at 27 people are still battling unemployment. It only got worse with Covid 19 and the many positions being declared redundant.

Its really tough not earning coins in your name. Patricia’s reaction when the girl showed her shoe closet and all we could see were designer labels was ‘I like designer shoes but I did not like designer shoes when I was at low budget. I liked offers, discounted prices not yeezys’. this comment reeled laughter from me. This is the same Patricia who has fashion hauls on her YouTube from all trendy stores. She had to cut her taste to match the money she was earning.. you mean she didn’t always own designer items! The comment made me look around my tiny room and I could sure do with love for low budget things don’t we all?

Patricia did however bring a point to light, a lot of these social media celebrities we see doning designer clothing all the time don’t actually own some of them. They are given to them for the marketing. Sometimes they get to keep them, sometimes the clothes are sent back after the shoot. Other times they get to keep them for a discounted price. Several people strive to dress like a certain so and so or own clothes from flagship stores that you were the first to love not pre loved. Anyway, now we know that people we look up to did not start there and neither do some of them own those clothes.

After several welcome to my Channel videos, please like and subscribe instructions, seeing shopping hauls, home makeovers, DIYs, travelling on a budget anything and everything that can be documented up to and including Iconic corpses the feeling of what am I doing with my life is overwhelming. There is constant pressure either from within or around to account for your time.

To end my search for entertainment, I took a trip down history. I watched the lives of reknowned men and women. What they did, what they went through, and what made them famous. Those tales are mind blowing; I would urge this edutainment. Learning about famous painters, musicians, presidents, kings and generally any name you hear or see being thrown including authors of quotes you have resonated with. Vincent van Gogh’s life was particularly remarkable. Many know him as a famous painter but few really know his paintings. I struggle referring to myself as a writer as I am still learning the craft and I do not think I have much to show for it yet coupled with the fact that I have not written long enough to establish a niche or produce work that I consider befitting of the public eye on a daily basis.

Befitting as per whose standards one asks? At some point, Van Gogh sought solitude so that he can produce his own inspired work as opposed to being influenced by what the people around him were creating or what he was being told by his brother was selling in the art gallery. He of course acknowledged other Painters who at his time he considered skilled in the craft. Unfortunately, his artwork was not appreciated as much during his lifetime as people thought him mad and rightly so.

It is good to love many things for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much, performs much and can accomplish much and what is done in love is well done

Vincent van gogh

This quote answers that the measure of quality of one’s work is in it being done in love. It matters not the appreciation, or monetary value but because Van Gogh experienced what lack of these two can do he advised that one should love many things. Another take away from Van Gogh’s life was the devastating effect of loneliness. Love for anything without someone to share with is misery. Having battled with feelings of inadequacy and questioning my path and its trajectory, I am rather content with what emerged from my search of entertainment.

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