Category: Aahs

Have you ever been told to smile with your eyes and wondered comment fait ca. Here goes the widest eye smile you’ll achieve.

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To my girls,

It is hard for me to tell what my readers like. I have life update posts, book reviews, edutainment-like posts and pretty much anything I feel inspired to write. Is it that you like what I like or you like what I write because they are both the same thing. I thought this post would not be for my typical readers then I wondered who my typical readers are. The demographics of those who have subscribed to be notified is completely different from that wordpress notifys me engage with my post. I will just keep writing what I like.

Yesterday I was with company and I was asked to make porridge. Apparently, the person had missed porridge and had no idea how to make. I like cooking and there are many things I learn by checking online recipes. I could think of several solutions my company had; had he tried following instructions on the porridge flour because it is always right there, maybe even goggle but he saw it fit to ask me to make it for him.

As I was stirring the paste I kept thinking that maybe he had tried making porridge but he lacked the patience required. Porridge tends to form balls of flour when left unattended. I hate drinking porridge that has those balls because I am forced to keep spitting them out or swallow depending on my relationship with the person who cooked. I stood over the pot diligently stirring while also giving it time to cook undisturbed. I could not help but feel sorry for girls my age who had no idea what is coming their way upon marriage. I do not have expertise on the subject but having lived with a man, I think I have a rough Idea which is better than theoretical knowledge.

I have not been privileged to attend weddings this far in the year. There is a wedding I attended sometime back and I enjoyed the sermon. The pastor intimated that man and woman are different. They were created differently and the two reason differently. Every single day I see these differences and what would be so obvious to me is not as obvious to my male company and vice versa. What cracked me up was the pastor’s statement to the newlyweds that when either of them gets frustrated because of these differences, they should try accommodate the other otherwise they should have married someone from their gender who will see things as they do.

Glennon Doyle thought that was not such a bad idea. She advocates for writing the truest, most beautiful story about your life you can imagine and then conjure up the courage to make real the imagined. In her imagining her truest life, she ended up in a partnership with a woman. Here is her monologue from her book untamed:

What I want to say is: What if I wasn’t born this way at all? What if I married Abby not just because I’m gay but because I’m smart? What if I did choose my sexuality and my marriage and they are simply the truest, wisest, most beautiful, most faithful, most divine decisions I’ve ever made in my entire life? What if I have come to see same-gender love as a really solid choice- just a brilliant idea?

At this point I feel like I have to tread carefully with what I write next. Just to bring clarity to my new readers and those who have been following the blog, I share lots of things that I come across even when I am still processing. I advocate for learning, un-learning and relearning. Maya Angelou says that we do our best until we know better then we do better.

I am inclined to think that those who opt to move in with their partners want to see these differences and decide whether they are willing to put up with the differences. There is a line of thought against doing that and I chose to reiterate Glennon Doyle when she advocates going with what is truest for you.

I must have talked about this book in a previous post Can we skip to the good part but having revisited the ideologies raised, I would advocate for you to read the book and form opinions of your own. I am excited as I wait for the hard copy that I am shipping as I believe I would want this book in my collection having read an e-copy.

I do not know what will prepare girls my age for the part of their lives they will share with their significant others. I cringe when I think of all the things I have had to learn, unlearn and re-learn and I do not know where to start sharing. I think their only hope will be to do their best until they know better and even while doing their best, I will completely advocate for not losing yourself in the process, here is another excerpt from Glennon’s book that I hope convinces you to get a copy for yourself.

…women who are best at this disappearing act earn the highest praise: she is so selfless.

Can you imagine? The epitome of womanhood is to lose one’s self completely.

I love myself now. Self-love means that I have a relationship with myself built on trust and loyalty. I trust myself to have my own back so my allegiance is to the voice within. I’ll abandon everyone else’s expectations of me before I’ll abandon myself. I’ll disappoint everyone else before I disappoint myself. I’ll forsake all others before I’ll forsake myself. Me and Myself we are till death do us part.

As I am at it, I will leave a screenshot of a post I came across that is in line with what Glennon says and may be what girls my age need to hear in addition to the above.

Choose yourself as you listen to the voice within.

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Kintsugi

The Japanese art of Kintsugi and its must-know philosophy | Lifestyle News | English
sourced from google

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing what is broken ( mostly pottery) with gold. It is built on the idea of embracing imperfections and the notion that you can create something more beautiful than what was broken. There are too many broken pieces and our constant need to fix. A friendship that does not last the lifetime you thought it would, a relationship that has you filled with doubts and anticipating when it would break, the need to fix what is not even broken yet. It is like we live in a constant state of breaking and mending.

I had not realized it but so many broken pieces lay around me and I did not know what to do with them. Sometimes we think a situation or someone is completely broken and there is no way of putting back the pieces together. Sometimes we break people and carry around the burden of regret thinking if only I did not say that or If only I never met the person in the first place. Kintsugi is there to remind us that the broken can be fixed and its okay if we are not the same people to do the fixing. Mosaic art is there to show us that different broken pieces can make something more adorable than the original creation. Today’s deep dive is the aftermath of my book club’s read of the month ( September).

Young Adult books have never been my cup of tea. It is mentally disturbing that they are written by adults and I do not know what it takes for them to create such a young narrative. We had two options; a book that was described as sad Orbiting Jupiter by Gary D. Schmidt and Our Chemical hearts which was described as a love story. My fellow book club members opted for the love story but I wanted to see what could be intricately sad about Orbiting Jupiter.

I remember their astonishment when I reported that the book was not sad but mostly normal. We had a moment of them checking in and me clarifying that I was completely fine and just wanted to find out how sad a book could get. Nothing has topped Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami for me in that spectrum but I have also not been actively searching for sad books. Perhaps a little life by Hanya Yanagihara will top that list but its too long, and not captivating enough for me to bear through the end to find out. ( maybe I am not mature enough for the book but I see myself getting there and reading it to the end ).

I found this book sad. More sad than Orbiting Jupiter. Maybe it is because I went in expecting a love story that develops through Middle school only to be hit by grief, pity and so much wisdom about love. This writing is broken somewhere between being an editor’s post and a book review but the golden thread should guide you. As usual, I’ll now leave the golden nuggets from the book to bait you into picking and reading the book yourself.

Stories with happy endings are just stories that haven’t finished yet.

This phrase would mean that there are no happy endings.. I do not think that in this context the opposite of happy is sad and that endings are two sided like a coin. They are probably a continuum. If the author suggests happy endings are just stories that have not yet finished they could be anything else along the continuum. My explanation may only be a different way of expressing what the author meant and maybe she might have been onto something.

Because apparently you still have to chase girls who can’t even run

This was hilarious especially In the context of the book. I do believe girls should be chased but I did read somewhere that neither the girl nor the boy is the price. While in the relationship girls too do some chasing. At the end, love is the price and that’s the motivation for the chase anyway.

Everything dies love included. Sometimes it dies with a person, sometimes it dies on its own. The greatest love story ever told doesn’t have to be about two people who spent their whole lives together…. There’s nothing like a failed love, all love is equal in the brain.

Full disclaimer.. these nuggets of wisdom are not evenly spread through the book. You might struggle reading the first 77 pages like I did. Humour is what mostly kept me going and the fact that I needed to contribute on the conversation during my bookclub whether in praise for the book or tearing it apart. We had a fair share of both.

Not to leave your palate distasteful, one of the characters has this to say about why people fall in love again despite having being heartbroken .

Because the journey is beautiful in the beginning and no one can see the bend in the train tracks until it is already too late to stop and when you board the train you hope that this is the one that doesn’t crash even though it might be, even though it probably will be, it’s worth getting on anyway to find out.

Our chemical hearts.

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The Path to success

At one time or another, you may not have achieved the desirable results. We do not talk about failure as much as we do success. If you fail no one wants to know your story unless you found a way against all odds to turn your 50 attempts into a success story. For a long time education was the key to success. This was hammered into the heads of all Kenyan children. You were to go to school, work hard, pass all exams and thereafter get a well paying job that will enable you raise the living standards of your family. Generations fought for women to be educated. Generations fought for women to have white collar jobs like the men. Maybe we got it all wrong .. maybe education is not the only key. After all, no one guaranteed that it was the master key.

Later in my University years is when I began hearing success stories of people who dropped out of school. No one bothered introduce us to this unique crop of individuals during our career fair. It was always the doctors, the engineers, the lawyers… funny enough our teachers were not part of the lineup because even to them other professions were more noble and they wanted the best for us. Scratch that, maybe they hoped we had seen the best of their profession as they spent most of the time with us and hence they did not need to be paraded once a year. It was also when joining university that I met people who opted for teaching as a career because they could not see themselves doing any other thing.

The goal has always been to be successful. Being among the best is not considered good enough, you have to beat them all, stand out, get the awards. Once you instil the habit of beating everyone to be the top, you will forever fall short. We created a culture, sustained it and demanded that we put all our efforts in attaining it.

It is never enough for an artist to be nominated for the Grammy’s. People will always ask but did the Artist win the award. Even if they won, how many awards did they scoop that year or in their entire music career. An artist who has good enough songs that attract a sizeable crowd is still measured against the amount of money the Artist makes and the lifestyle the artist can afford. It is no wonder some artists are battling with drug addiction and worse off that most of them commit suicide. Some realize they cannot live up to the expectations of their fans or their own expectations. One might have managed to scoop several awards in a year but the next year the creativity does not come up to par or maybe it does but we the fans do not give the Artist the same recognition we gave them a year before and thus they do not scoop any award.

I am trying to re evaluate my idea of success. I do not think that it is a two sided coin where you either get heads or tails. Success is a continuum and I need to recognize that I may not have it all. We have been reminded that one cannot test the ability of a fish by how it climbs a tree because that is not its forte. The same accommodation should be accorded to humans.

Instead of asking how many accolades one has on their belt perhaps we could value someone by how empathetic they are in a situation, how engaging they are in a conversation and most importantly to trust them with the opportunity to show us what they have accolades aside. I am just about to sit exams and the possibility of failing has paralyzed me with fear. It is what drives me to wake up at wee hours in the morning and my reason for sleepless nights.

The day the results come out is a day of reckoning. It is when the wheat is separated from the chaff. This is when people will finally know if you were all talk. Looking back, I have already had life examining methods that should count for something. Once when my life depended on it, I used the skill obtained from the education and narrowly carved my path out. However, this will be irrelevant if on the day of the exam I do not recall the other things that are just examinable but are not necessarily put to further use.

Just like the Grammy’s, there is no end to amassing the accolades. The other day I mentioned that I could speak a foreign language and the first thing the person asked was whether I had considered learning 4 other languages; mandarin because the Chinese have taken over our economy and it would be better if I am well equipped. My mind completely switched off after that hence I do not remember the other 3. In the same day I was being asked whether I had considered enrolling for a Professional Course and how that will help boost my employability now that I have the same accolades under my belt as everyone else who was taken for their internship in my current work place.

Some of these accolades are just amassed in the form of certification but the skills we should have been equipped with are long forgotten. Many of my friends have the DELF French Certification but they can barely put what the certificate says they hold into practice. I am probably heading in this same direction considering that I am forced to get a Certificate to prove my competency in a language I engage with every month for the past 7 years.

The other day I was being informed that the examining process is a little different from every day parlance. So one may know the language, speak the language but fail the language exam because of their parameters. ( after seating the exam, I beg to differ but this may be true for other exams)I wonder who thought assessments are the best way to prove knowledge. I am complaining about this as I take a break from my intensive revision that I hope bears the society accepted fruits.

for my 9 Ps
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The office Episode 2

The office was a series for a reason. All the things that happen in there have to be documented over time. When you think you have got the hang of it, ta da!

This week has really tried me.. one week in and I already have something to write. ( of course I never finished writing during that week ) I have decided to write lessons that I had to learn the hard way and maybe then they will stick.

Rule no 1. Do not make plans out loud. I remember this afternoon vividly. I had had a busy morning by busy I don’t mean running helter skelter busy, I changed departments and where I’m currently at, I can afford to smell the roses. Its not that there isn’t much to do here, Its because I came from a more demanding team where everything was urgent and needed a second ago. Having finished my deliverables, I went to talk about this and that just to sharpen my wits. I mentioned how things were going well for me and that my deadlines were always met. Between the walk from that office to my sitting area, I got phone calls and emails with instructions on what I was to work on. I did not leave the office late because with working from home my laptop and I are the office. We work from anywhere anytime and that’s how my not so busy time took a turn of its own.

Rule no 2. Cross the river at the shallowest. This is my mantra the whole year. I always strive to get work off my desk the earliest possible and so far so good. Its a bit of a balance between this and managing expectations because once people know things don’t sleep on your desk, they tend to push over the last minute work to you. After all, you have worked hard to prove time and again that you have a fast food chain same day delivery work ethic.

Rule no. 3 I will be done in just a moment means take a break. I know I did mention that my department allows me to smell the roses but knowing there are seasons and roses do not bloom all year round, the same applies to work. Every time someone has told me or I have told myself it will just be a moment, it becomes several moments. Our cleaner used to pity me on my first weeks at my first department. She would call me for snacks, she would offer to warm my food as she told me work never ends, I have to schedule my breaks. To date, this advice has saved me from developing ulcers and I tell my boss that I’m off to lunch. I can only eat so much so its a guarantee I will be back at my desk.

Rule no. 4 share but don’t reveal. There is a very thin line between office gossip and colleague bonding. Not to mention that we have various personalities with ulterior motives. It is quite unhealthy to always have your guard up expecting for someone to pounce. You’ll just have to trust your gut on this. If you think something is off, act cautiously.

Rule no. 6 its okay to screw up. Your first time won’t be your last. I remember how my colleague’s jaw dropped when I told her this. She was in a fit, judging herself harshly like I do. Today you make a mistake that you know is going to cost the company money and tomorrow another that is going to cost the company a client and your gut tells you today is the day you get laid off for that. You dread the confrontation and you willingly accept your fault and you are ready to pack up but that is exactly when you should stay. Growth at times comes from the most uncomfortable situations and we have to wait it out.

Rule no. 7. There is no job without hurdles. For some reason I used to think some people have it easy. That I would do what they do anytime without breaking a sweat. I would envy people who do online writing and think they make easy money. On a hectic day I envy the cleaner because there is nothing hard about cleaning or my boss because I would think all they do is delegate and supervise. I realized that the cleaner probably has a hard time and there are things in their line of work that they dread. Bosses have to take in a lot. They make hard choices that we never know about because they shield us. It is true that everyone is fighting battles we never know about.

Rule no. 8 clap for yourself. If you wait, others may never and you will be demoralised. Set your own parameters, your goals you are your truest coach. Remember only the shoe wearer can know where it pinches. Most times, I only get feedback if the work needs amending and the other times not even the computer generated well received. I do my best each time because success is rented not owned and rent is due every day.

Rule no 9. Plan your meet ups after work. You might be thinking, who has energy for that; not only will you but you will also get to feed off that energy. On my most stressful week, I pushed my two weekend meet ups to during the week after work. All week I was looking forward to that and it kept me going. On the day scheduled for my meet up, work was going overboard; it was one of those days that demanded putting in extra hours. I assured everyone that their work will be delivered on time but that I needed to leave the office. Not once during my meet up did I think of the work waiting for me when I got home. I enjoyed myself and headed home full of renewed energy. I’m sure the opposite is true that I would have hated whatever would have pushed me to cancel my plans.Getting away gives your mind and soul a breather so you can get back to the grind with a refreshed perspective.

Speaking of planning, sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith. Looking at my calendar, there is never room for working at the beach. I could go for weeks working remotely and when I tell myself perhaps this is the week to work from Coast I guarantee you the day will not end before I am needed to be physically present in the office. This is the shallowest of my rivers, other departments will never allow me this luxury.

Today has been one of those eye opening moments.. maybe I have been doing it all wrong, maybe there is no right way to do anything apart from just attempting. I was invited for a graduation ceremony and when I was accepting the invite, I literally had nothing on my desk much as I had gone the extra mile of offering my assistance. When I was about to leave for the graduation, my boss emails me that he needs some work done by C.O.B . Nevertheless, I decided to make an appearance even if I would have to work through the ceremony. I’m glad I did because on my way home, I see a picture posted in one of the whatsaap groups advertising the availability of my current job position. It is contract based anyway and I should not be shocked, I replaced someone in the same manner. Probably a good reminder that enjoy the present because this too shall pass. This just makes it to rule no. 10

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Writer’s bug, writing block

It finally got to me. I oft wondered why did writers quit on their craft. You get a good blog that resonates with you and one day they stop posting, it becomes one week, one month, one year then a blog that you used to know. I get tempted to reread the old posts and probably imagine what they could have written, what they should have written and why they can no longer write.

I got a new follower this month and I wondered oh my… I’m in a rut, content has not been coming to me much as I will myself to write. I am all about the dimples, the migraines and the aahs, they have all been there but not provoking enough to write about or too profound to be shared. I am still finding my voice here. Filtering between what should go in the journal, what is better said on the blog and what pieces should not be on paper trail yet.

The writer’s bug, its what caught me when I started the blog. Full of enthusiasm, full of life, full of stories to be shared; then, everything happening was a noteworthy piece. The writer’s block is what caught me now. What eventually happens to all the writers who stopped writing, nothing is good enough to be on paper. We start, 19 drafts sit on my page but drafts is all they are.

Today, P!nk’s album all I know so far came out. I like how she reinvented the old and two very unconventional pieces. Its an album of her old songs recorded live. There’s a start where she forgets the lyrics, and another where she hits the wrong pitch. I like how she apologizes to the pianist Jason because they have to go over it again. Like musicians do covers for songs written by other artists is there an equivalent for writers? I have come across a title done by two of my friends who have never crossed paths, writing about the same thing, in the same demographic but in completely different and somehow similar way. This reminds me of the take away essays we did for continuous assessments where each person was working on the same title but we came up with somehow different yet similar pieces.

From Pink’s album, I wanted to reinvent myself, give my old pieces a new voice, what probably all writers who have gone mute should do. Maybe I should do a cover of someone else’s piece; is that what we writers call a review… I don’t think we have a word for it yet or if we do I haven’t come across it because a review is closer to a trailer in the film world.

Just wanted you to hang in there, sooner or later the writing gods will visit me with content I will be happy to share. In the meantime, you could play P!nk’s album as I will. If you read, Oprah’s all I know for sure is the literary form of P!nk’s Album.

love and light

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The viral post that will land me my byline in a weekly newspaper.

How does this title sound for someone practising praying for rain while under an umbrella, not Riri’s. This is what will make me feel on top of the world. Those newspapers that are slowly being phased out because millennials and gen z prefer tea served by Edgar Obare. I cannot remember the last time I used one to clean my windows since the upgrade to a window cleaner spray that does magic and one just needs a lint free cloth to wipe the dirt off. My butcher also upgraded to some foil like sheet so it is really obsolete but there is still where I want my byline.

I write notes, I write lists, in 2020 I have even written conversation points for my audio messages. I have written cards, accountability lists, journal entries and class notes. This is an interview of myself by myself for the writing Feature on me. (Ps this is a 2020 draft I wrote)

Importance of preparing yourself for the conversations you will have with the people you would like to meet one day– it is not far fetched, these things do happen. Speaking from experience, 2018 must have been a gold mine for me. I had the opportunity to speak to my celebrity crush on phone and much as I wasn’t dumbfounded, I could have been better prepared for it. Of course he will not remember any of this as it wasn’t a life changing moment for him as it was for me. I quizzed him trying to get his bluff because, how could that just happen.. I mean is it really you, an alter ego, a parallel universe version in alternate reality that is aware of what happened but not my version of you. ( too much science fiction reading)

Meeting Hon. Lady Justice Joyce Aluoch whom I had been admiring from afar and all I did was congratulate her for the many achievements and ask the number one question every reporter asks; what advice would you give someone who looks up to you? If this isn’t the universe giving me a sign to be ready for who I want to meet because I will, I am still taking it as that sign. Hence, I am prepping for the interview I will have once I am featured.

If you could make a trend, what would it be? I would substitute the questions asked in normal parlance for the below questions in an attempt to make better conversation by being direct.

  1. what is making you happy today?
  2. how is your day? ( Note: it is different from how have you been)
  3. what is your idea of happiness?
  4. what were you thinking of before drifting to sleep?
  5. what was the first thought on your mind this morning?

I think the above questions give you an insight into the person without them feeling vulnerable. Of course with time, the person will open up to you and the answers will definitely vary depending on who is asking and the relationship the two of you have and that is better than the blanket How have you been? that everyone throws around.

How writing twice a month has been– It was a leap of faith especially since I had not been writing before for an audience. I am impressed by the content I managed to channel out each month and most importantly the feedback I am constantly receiving. I always start clueless, some months I generate content faster than others. there are pieces that I write and publish immediately and others that sit on the draft being edited until they feel right. Others never feel right so their stay on the draft has been long overdue while other times I just put it out and let it be.

Do I have a favorite piece– Each piece is different, I like the thought process that gave birth to each distinct piece and I always marvel at the end product. I get anxious when the month is coming to an end and I have not written good content and think the Gods of creativity have failed to shine their face upon me.

A Particular writing time or place – Literally anywhere as long as my fingers itch to type. I am mostly inspired by my experiences, environment, things I watch or content I read. When I am writing on my laptop, that content was well thought out. Drafts on my phone or tablet are the ones that are inspired in the spur of the moment and I feel that If I do not write there and then, I| would lose it. One time I had a sleepless night but it gave birth to a unique piece of writing inspired by the music I was listening to in a bid for it to lull me to sleep.

How I feel about the performance of a post– I am always in awe when a post gets views and likes. There are two kinds of writings, those I write for myself and the kind I write for enjoyment by others. What is constant in the two is that there will be a message either to myself or others. Even the message that is meant for me still resonates with others and that in itself is a win. I am passionate about acquiring knowledge and I use every opportunity I have to impart that knowledge to others. Having someone view or go to the extent of liking that is pure bliss.

My take on compliments; how I respond to them– it depends on the person and the thing being complimented on. There are those you know for sure are genuine and the thing speaks for itself so oh yeah.. Thank you! I do recognize it as well. Very few get me off guard.

How writing has changed my perspective on things – I notice the creative process behind every work of art i.e script writing, song writing etc. I study how the person writes which then reflects in their output. I appreciate the effort that went in putting forth that work. I notice when one is inspired by what they are going through and when they choose to create an alternate universe for themselves and just create from inspiration.

What I think I need to work on -the notion that I need to be right all the time and learning better ways of expressing myself. I have learnt that I cannot contain my thoughts and feelings; maybe for a while, a very short while but eventually I just let it out. I do not like being inconvenienced or being the one who has to be the bigger person all the time hence why I really need to always create and see the third option.

I tend to be very sure of myself even where there is uncertainty. I notice people who have wavering faith in their knowledge and wonder why they would expect someone else to believe in themselves when they do not.

Pet peeve– When someone does something wrong then they apologize, I hate the reply it’s okay because it wasn’t, it isn’t and it shouldn’t be okay. For instance someone spilling something on you or stepping on you or whatever they have done, I always feel like saying better watch your way next time or be more careful but that would be considered rude so I slowly murmur its okay, low enough for my conscience not to prick me about it even though it does.

How reading over 30 books a year has influenced my life– I have become very open minded. This would also be thanks to the course I took up on Harvard edx on the different schools of thought and how they arrive at their conclusions.

What I have learnt so far– Everything is a choice and the more options available for you, the better life is. I am always striving to increase my options because comfort comes from the freedom of choice. In 2021 I am heavy on the soft life and constantly aligning my choices to my idea of happiness.

Lastly, to close this interview, what are your last words – I hope everyone realizes the power they have in them. The power to do good and be good. I am slowly realizing the power of the tongue and I believe we can manifest things into existence. The universe really does conspire to get us what we really want as Paulo Coelho says in the Alchemist . Dream big, think big, we are only as limited as our thoughts. The people we surround ourselves with, the things we watch and read, what we expose ourselves to has an impact on the kind of thoughts we have.

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Money

We might all be slaves
Spinning the wheel of capitalism

The more you make the more your needs
The less you have the more you need

Somehow the scales are tilted and the poor always remain poor because offers are available only to those who spend more.

Somehow the rich are enabled to save, somehow the rich are rewarded for their appearances with opportunity and connections in the right places.

The universe tries a balancing act though. One either has money, beauty or happiness. Those with money say it can buy happiness. Those without beauty say it is only skin deep. I wonder if anyone is truly happy because no one says much about it.

The poor claim money can’t buy happiness but how would they know? Maybe it is because the rich do not portray nuanced happiness.

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You don’t know everything

After watching Queen’s Gambit, many were impressed by chess and Hammond’s prowess in mastering the game. Doing something exceptionally well that you love and earns you money is what got to me. I am nowhere close to earning money from pool but beating men in a game most think they are better players is part of the thrill like it was for Hammond.

There may be versions but I only know of one game. We arrange the balls on the triangle and then break the game. The player who shoots a ball in one of the 6 holes determines which of the two balls will be theirs. There are striped and spotted balls. You use a white ball to hit the rest and the black ball should be the last one in.

One afternoon, I walked to a pool table and I wanted to teach my mum the little I know so that I could play with her but instead, she asked a friend’s son to teach me how to play. I was quite offended, teach me! I know the game. I took it in stride as he explained and the deeper he went, the more I learnt that I did not know everything. What I hated most was that he thought he was doing me a favour playing girl like and going slow on me. I told him I prefer learning the hard way and he should bring his A game on. Every time he would fail to score a shot or miss the ball he would claim he was doing it purposely to give me an upper hand much as I had made it clear I did not need one.

Well, he was a better player than I was but nonetheless he wasn’t beyond reproach. He was like the janitor who taught Hammond how to play but eventually she learnt the ropes and became a better player leaving the janitor in awe. I have to give my teacher props for encouraging me along the way. He kept saying nice shot, you have 3 options even though I saw one. Do not worry so much about getting the ball in a particular hole, it does not have to get in the hole closest to it. Focus more on positioning the balls rather than having a direct shot in the holes. Watch the game closely to know when you have 2 chances but never inform the other player when you make a mistake that gives them two chances if they were not keen enough to notice.

On that table, I learnt that I need to work with the upper hand the world wants to give me instead of learning the hard way all the time. One gets more joy knowing they played fair and square and won than knowing you had an advantage that put you on the same level as the other experienced player and based on that new level ground you won. I guess this stems from the phrase hammered in our heads, started from the bottom now you here. We have become so obsessed to start from the bottom because that is the only way we know. If someone stretches out their hand for us we get defensive and put our guard up and ask who said I needed that. You obviously don’t but you also don’t need the struggle at the bottom to prove your way to the top. In 2021 may you become less defensive and recognize the helping hand. Take it, you both are on the same team that just wants to see you up and it is not bad to use a ladder instead of going round to find the stair case.

Later in the day, I had a chance to play a different player. He was quite reluctant wasting his precious time playing a learner. I encouraged him to take the cue stick. First, he didn’t know how to arrange the balls on the triangle. I had learnt a few minutes before and I was happy to show him. I got a striped ball in while opening and my luck ran with it. I had one ball left when he had 6 to go! I felt like calling my teacher who was nearby to see what a good student I was but I knew that would emasculate the guy I talked into playing. His friend asked me whether I was sure that was my first time playing pool because my grip on the cue stick looked mastered. I insisted it was though at the back of my mind I knew no one learns that fast.

My opponent caught up with me in the race for the black ball. That’s the thing with pool, you might have a head start but that never means it is a sure indication that you have won the race. Pretty much how life is as well. On my shot, I placed the black ball right at the mouth of the hole. I felt bad that it was my skill that positioned it well yet he would get all the glory of being the winner. The question will be who won A or B with no explanation as to how. It was such an impossible shot to miss but he did!! How life brings a plot twist every so often.. haha. I went in for the kill. Forceful enough to get the black ball in while being cautious that the white does not follow through.

This reminds me of a rule I disagreed with my teacher on. Getting the white ball in any of the holes is a foul that gives the opponent player two shots at the game. While we were both aiming for the black ball, he got both the black and white ball in. I argued that we could not crown him a winner because while at it he had broken a rule. He claimed that despite the foul, the winner is the one who gets the black ball in first; anyone who sees my point?

Much as my teacher did not admit, for a minute he pondered on my challenge and I was happy to have given him food for thought. Remember, You do not know everything, so be teachable. Also, notice when a helping hand is stretched your way and take it. Don’t kill yourself trying to start from the bottom.

Happy 2021!

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Reflections

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If anything, 2020 has given me the opportunity to have lots of self reflection. There are some habits that I identified and I have been trying to do away with. I know it is work in progress but sometimes I get vexed because I am not progressing fast enough. It has definitely not taken me 21 days as promised. At times it feels like I take one step forward and two back. I try being patient in the process because if I had it all figured out then what would be the point of life?

We all know we should not compare ourselves but we often do it. You look at your life and acknowledge you are doing better or could be doing better. It gets to a point that someone else’s good news is good for them but it would have been nice if it were you. Bishop used to say that if your neighbour is receiving blessings, prepare your basket because you are next; the Lord is in your vicinity. This has helped me often genuinely celebrate my friends successes and this year especially they have been plenty. It is better when your circle succeeds because birds of a feather…

Being more self aware, I can call myself out when I exude behaviour that is contrary to what I am cultivating. Much as at times I am frustrated when I just can’t stop altogether; the little voice assures me that noticing the problem in and of itself is progress. When one knows they are on the wrong and it gets pointed out the person is not on the same path as another who cannot identify the wrong in the situation.

Part of this journey has also been being my own person who is accountable for what I say and do. The sweeping statements that we make personalising general situations is us manifesting those situations. You know how everybody alludes to Nairobi being one big bedroom, men being trash, 2020 being the worst year and all other phrases that have become socially acceptable, do not say it if you have not experienced it. If 2020 was the much needed break that worked in your favour, own it! If you had a relationship that was more towards character development than whatever you aspired, it does not make men trash. If all Nairobi is for you is twitter banter that takes up your time scrolling through KOT comments that is what you should say.

For the longest time, the conditioning that took place was that you had to side with other people and own whatever they were experiencing as your own for you to be identified as one of them or just for your peace of mind. I remember in school we had lots of such sweeping statements: For starters we all had to admit not to be prepared for exams or not to have read over the holidays even when tuition was forced on you during the 4 weeks.

I miss out on so many things in life because I always want to make the right choice. Even Dettol only gets 99% but I am the high achiever. By the time I have exhausted the pros and cons, judged myself on behalf of everyone else, I definitely do not take the leap. I want to learn that it is not about getting it right all the time, most of the time, but going for … ( Haven’t filled the blanks yet) still thinking of the right word.

I perfect my ability to make the right choices by gambling on this unpredictable Nairobi weather. After looking at the clouds and the weather forecast, I decide my attire for the day. There are days after choosing to dress warm, the sun bakes me proper and I tell myself I shouldn’t have dressed warm. Other days it is quite the contrary and I freeze myself to death; there is nothing like freeze and shine. You would think I would have already learnt that things do not go according to plan and that signs are not 100% accurate but I haven’t. Dressing in layers that I could build up or remove an item depending on how the weather changes is a pretty sound option. I am learning to always look out for the third option; be like that flower that stubbornly grows despite the hindrances and blooms.

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