Blog Feed

Posted on

Relaying facts and distinguishing that from opinion.

Speech is silver, silence is golden. This idiomatic expression I learnt several years ago for my composition writing came to mind when I thought of how to begin addressing this. It means that not saying anything is better than speaking too much or saying something inappropriate. When I was in the company of my friends one afternoon, a name of one of my exes came into the conversation and he was described as inconsistent. It bothered me because I think he is many things but inconsistent would not be the first word I would use to describe him. In fact, he was very consistent.

I looked back and asked myself how did we get here? How did my friends form this idea that I was convinced was not the correct definition of him? The answers pointed back to me. None of them met him. They only knew of him and about him through me. All they know is what I tell them. I have had to take several steps back and analyse what was said, when it was said and how it was said. I realized more often, I reported with my sentiments in tow.

With this in mind, I am analyzing every other response or opinion that has been formed by my family or friends on the people I know and even the opinions I have formed on other people based on what I have heard. There is a general need to be better at relaying facts and distinguishing them from opinion. I find it funny that in a group of friends XYZ, you will find that X and Z have differences with Y’s significant other to an extent that they do not see eye to eye and the two camps believe the other camp is not good for Y. In non algebra terms, I am referring to a situation when your friends do not like your significant other and the dislike is mutual from your significant other. The only constant in this equation is you and the dislike might be breeding from your description of one person to the other.

I may not have a go to manual for reference or something you can quote but all I intend to do with this post is to bring to your attention that this could be happening in your circles. The first step to curb the misrepresentation of someone’s character is only relay facts. Saying that A is a inconsistent is your opinion. Instead you should say that A hit me up for a date on Thursday then come Thursday he went silent on me and resumed the conversation like nothing happened on Friday. All these transactions are simply facts that are indisputable.

In most of the conversations we hold, we are invited as we invite others to tell us how they are. This includes talk about the people we relate with on a daily basis or even from time to time; colleagues, neighbours, other friends, acquaintances and even strangers who cross our paths. It is important that we only relay facts when narrating our ordeals so that we give a fighting chance for the person we are speaking about to form an impression for themselves on the other person. If it happens that once in a while your opinion slips correct your listener and distinguish the facts. This will not be a one time practice, it is something we have to intentionally choose every single time we decide to speak of someone. No matter how long it takes us to make this habit a practice, always make it your intention to speak only facts.

Posted on

Transluxury the irony

Today’s post will take a different turn. It is mostly a rant from my end while pointing out a few notable moments on my recent travel. I wish it was to a calming beach with pristine white sand and palm trees creating the much needed breeze but that would not have necessitated my ranting. I am still not sure what really made me uneasy, probably the lie, the discomfort, the eight hours on the road, my window not opening, the… aah I am so sure.

I was in town by 7am pouncing on the ready to go vehicles against my initial gut feeling to book a bus preferably Ena Coach because Easy Coach is as punctual as the Kenyan Presidential addresses. While reluctantly walking to Ena Coach’s offices, a lady announced that the vehicle heading to my route needed one passenger for it to depart. This was quite different. Normally, that particular Afya centre path is filled with men accousting you to use the private cars and I never see a peaceful lady achieving the same objective albeit this time a Nissan named Transluxury.

My fairly big eyes only read the first part of the word Trans and my mind filled it in as Transline. For people who use this route frequently, they know the consequences of that. Transline is quite a reputable company. It has established its brand. Perhaps what made me make this association was the fact that this particular Nissan was parked meters away from Transline offices. I get in, a bit adamant because only the backseat was available. The lady assured me it was equally comfortable as there was adequate leg space.

The social distancing regulations enforced in matatus have been of great relief to many. Mothers travelling with children have the much needed space at no extra cost and we passengers who just take personal space seriously can finally breathe. I noticed the backseat of Transluxury could accomodate four. For the avoidance of doubt, I clarified on the number of passengers who would occupy the seats given that the fare was already up by 500ksh. Of course she told me what I wanted to hear, It will just be the two of you.

Is there a particular reason that red flags are easily noticeable but we just give benefit of doubt? The tale tell signs were in full display but I needed a car that was leaving that minute. Let me give you a clearer perspective. Where this matatu was parked is right outside a petrol station but the driver took us to the Petrol station on Uhuru highway to fuel for 39 minutes. I kid you not, I watched each second go by. Of course no vehicle takes this long to fuel, our driver was busy on personal calls that he deemed more important than the passengers waiting for him. Perhaps it was courteous of him not risking our lives by driving and using his phone or maybe he even wanted to give us the peace that early morning deserved by not subjecting our eardrums to unnecessary banter.

Just before my watch struck the 40th minute, he resumed his official duty and off we went. Alas! It had only been fifteen minutes of driving when he made another stop barely out of Nairobi. This time, most passengers could not hold it. Words were thrown at the driver and he meekly defended himself saying he was instructed to pick a passenger along the way. Huh… my short lived peace had already lapsed. We waited, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, the back benchers were agitated. We demanded our fare back which was futile because the driver was not the recipient of the monies and he would not risk his job driving us back to the stage they did not have. It was a new entrant in the market, remember.

Against our will, we perservered till the lady we had been waiting for came. Only for her to request that a passenger holds her one month old baby as she looks for a decent place to help herself as she was pressed. My oh My, I was livid. Had I a few coins to my name, I would have taken my leave to find a proper vehicle with a reputation to uphold. The driver angered by the comments hauled at him on the duration of the wait decided to give us a taste of our medicine. He played obnoxiously loud deafening music perhaps to silence our voices which in turn awakened a loud crying baby next to my eardrums and did I mention the rough manner he was driving! It was hell and the first hour of my eight hour journey had just begun.

The easiest way to infuriate yourself on a perfect morning is by relieving this journey. Aaagrh.. my head and eardrum could not take it. We were occasionally swaying from side to side and we had to clutch on the next seat to avoid landing on the floor. I prayed earnestly that the traffic officers stop our vehicle but the Lord could not hear me with all that noise. On we went until our bodies adjusted and like 2020 that became our new normal, resigned.

I think the driver also had enough of it and by his own volition he lowered the volume of his untasteful music. Unfortunately, damage was already done. Transluxury was full of car sick passengers and a series of throwing up ensued. What worries me was how unbothered I was with the whole situation and the stench did not even find its way to my nostrils. The driver did not hear our plea to reduce his nerve wrecking speed and the intervals of people throwing up became my indication of time passing. Somewhere in the middle of all these, I was unmuted in the online class I was struggling to pay attention to and all I heard was blaring comments from the Lecturer asking for aid from the IT department to kick that person out of class. Well, time does does not fly in uncomfortable situations and the long 8 hours took their stride.

I get to Kisii town and unluckily, I have to board another vehicle to my destination then take a bodaboda. Masks were a rumour in the heavily populated town. Business had resumed as usual and seats meant for three were occupied by four and the fare still raised by 100ksh. The trouble in this second journey was surpassed by the first so I will not even mention. I get to my stage only to be welcomed by a thundering downpour. The impassable roads had now become muddy, unseen and no bodaboda rider wanted to risk getting stuck for the 50ksh. As I stood in a makeshift shelter, I thought about the conversation I had last week in a new Murana about cars and my response that I was not in a hurry to get one once I landed a well paying job. The thought of it had never crossed my mind but under that shelter, I would have taken a loan from any shylock if only to relieve myself of the awful experience I had gone through.

My journey back had a beautiful twist. Much as two hours were still wasted on the road to Kisii town, I was in the front seat, social distanced from the driver who was eager to share his life stories with me at 6am. He enlightened me about his job and what he considered its perks. We came to a conclusion that there is no bad job and as long as you keep at it, do it diligently, invest your money wisely, retirement could be on your terms. Furthermore, what’s there in worldly possessions, we may call them different names but at the end of the day the basic components are the same. The one living in a mansion, castle, semi permanent house all have a cooking area, a toilet, a bath area and a place to place their heads when the sun sets.

At Kisii town I headed to Ena Coach booking offices, asked for the co driver seat and patiently waited for the vehicle to fill up. I slept peacefully the moment I had my safety belt on and forgot all about my online classes.

Posted on

Books in 2020 read different

The more you read, the more books and authors you discover. The more you want to read, the less time you have. In 2020 I read books differently. I had them read and discussed to me and I also got to be part of a book in addition to the traditional reading. I of course had book slump moments when I did not feel like reading at all but this is when I turned to reading blogs and the letters I have been receiving and sending on a weekly basis.

You are probably wondering how books can be read and discussed to you. Allow me to introduce Mike Carruthers. He has a podcast called Something you should know and there are very many things that one should know. I thought of having a standalone post on this podcast and maybe I will. He addresses our day to day concerns, things that happen to us or around us that we never bother question. Turns out that there are people who have devoted their time to let us understand these things happening, with their research and studies. The people he brings on the pod are experts in a field and they are authors of a book in the same. They discuss what they wrote about, how they came to that conclusion and the studies they carried out to establish that theory. With this detailed discussion, I believe I have read as many books as the authors brought in each episode.

Choices is my platform to be in a book. It is an application that has several books of different genres. You choose how the characters in the book should look like and you even get to name the main characters. As you are a character in the book, you are entirely in charge of the choices you make and perhaps this is the insight to the tittle of the application. As usual, each book has chapters. You need keys to access a chapter and you are only given two at a time. Once you use your first key, it takes about 2 hrs for it to be renewed hence giving you time and controlling your pace.

As I mentioned, there are choices to be made. Some choices cost you dearly and others are given to you freely. Each day, you have the opportunity to collect 5 coins after watching several advertisements. At the end of each chapter, you collect 2 coins. As I am writing this, I have been part of 2 books; the royal romance and America’s most eligible. Royal romance was a typical grass to riches story. The story starts when I am a waitress who gets to serve a Prince in disguise while he is visiting New York. He takes a liking to me and using my coins, I unlocked a scene where I got to spend time alone with him. Next thing, I’m in the race with other suitors to be the future queen. In that journey, I learnt all about the waltz at least all I could learn in book 1. I did not proceed to book 2 as my faint heart could not take it that I was not chosen queen. I realized that although the book sets you out to be the main character, things do not go in your favour just because.

Disappointed by that book, I turned to America’s most eligible. It is a reality TV based book which reminded me of Netflix’s show Too hot to handle. There are challenges that you take part in and you learn basic life skills. I have become a connoisseur of sorts thanks to the two books. In this book, you have to choose a personality, you can build relationships and mostly, learn about your reaction to different situations. All through you work on winning the admiration of fellow contestants but also trying not to be too perfect as that breeds envy which leads to enmity. You also have to entertain the audience by stirring up just enough drama and knowing the balance so as not to go overboard. You need to remember things about different characters throughout the book as this knowledge comes in handy when making choices. Like the previous book, I was not crowned America’s most eligible nevertheless I was proud of my achievements throughout the book and the new catch phrases that I have already started dropping in my everyday parlance.

Other important skills you gain from this form of reading is patience and tact. Patience because you’ll have to wait for the 5 coins collected in a day to add up to a sizeable amount to trade in. When in possession of coins, you have to decide on the most worthy decision to spend them on. There are instances where you have the option of visiting a stylist to enhance your look or maintaining your day to day style. If anything, dressing really goes a long way but you have to weigh this against other opportunities that may put you in a better position.

This was to be a draft in readiness of my annual book reading recap but given that the word count is far in for a stand alone post, I shall leave it as such. I am worried that I may not be able to get to my target of reading 40 books as my schedule is getting busy. Nevertheless, I will be happy if I achieve my other reading goal this year which was to finish reading the Bible from cover to cover. There is a Kenyan readathon being held and this would be my first time participating in one if I get to do it. Also, I am crossing fingers to win book vouchers that are up for grabs courtesy of this readathon.

Posted on

Bemused

Today I tell a story of a girl

Naive in an adorable way

You cannot fault her for not knowing

In fact you want to hold her close and shield her from the unknown so that she never gets to know

Not because you are monopolising knowledge but because the truth hurts and ignorance is bliss

She probably started with the wrong footing but it was beautifully wrong, adorable.

Remember not to fault her.

6 years ago when John Legend came into our homes, sang on our lips, I asked her what song would you dedicate to me? The answer was pretty obvious, at least to me but lo and behold she hit me with a song from that same year which wasn’t so much in our homes. This misstep was a blessing to me. She put me on such a pedestal because my answer by far surpassed hers and I relished teasing her about it.

She told me that She could show me love. Could!! Yet we were partners. She said that I could be her luck. Could!! Didn’t she feel lucky to have me? We never lasted long enough for her to show me love. She did lift me up, showed me what I wanted to see, and took me where I wanted to be… unloved.

In these 6 years, she was named someone’s African Queen. A tittle she did much deserve if only we replaced the Naivety. She very much played to his tune. Whine for him she did, shake for him she did and he encouraged her, number one in Africa as he asked her to let him love her. You know why she was naive? His first line was let me be your danfo driver.

When you ask her about it, she says that loving him was like trying to change your mind once you are already flying through the free fall. Losing him was blue like she had never known, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met.

She still does not know any better. Last I heard, all she was getting was sweet nothing. She put her faith in something unknown, trying to hope with nothing to hold. For her it is hard to learn, hard to love.

She asks me now ‘if the world was ending I’d come over right?’ She says that she knows, I know and we both know that we were not meant for each other and it is fine. She’s figured it out now, how to let one go and let communication die out. Thank you, next she means. I know, she knows and we know we were not down for forever and it’s fine. Turns out she was not naive when she dedicated Capital cities safe and sound all those years ago. She actually knew more than I did, she had independent thought as I followed trends. She spoke from her heart while I said what I thought people wanted to hear. When I look back, I never really gave her All of me as I had dedicated to her. Is this still her story or mine.

Posted on

Entertainment, edutainment.

This week ( read sometime in June. It’s been that long in my drafts) while looking for entertainment, I realized how dynamics have changed. Long gone are the days when our parents finished school and had appointment letters waiting for them to join the workforce. Then came the days of motivational speakers who using stories such as that of the owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken encouraged us that late blooming is okay. Fast forward to Gen z who are already making their first million before they figure out their career paths doing effortlessly what they love.

Chebet Rono, a kenyan blogger and radio presenter while celebrating her 20th birthday in June listed some of the milestones she accomplished at 19: Appearing in a magazine, headlining a couple of blogs, earning her first million, meeting and interviewing her Kenyan Idols, Having 4.2 million YouTube views and appearing on most of the Kenyan TV networks. At nineteen I had no accomplishments other than being alive and joining campus. She’s just one out of many… Chloe from the Netflix show too hot to handle also turned 20 this year. She’s a model, she got several brand ambassador deals after the show and she also came up with her own branded clothing attire ‘ love yourself queens‘. I’m just watching Patricia Bright reacting to how a 20 year old spends her 40,000 dollars salary and I’m equally in awe.

Patricia, as I am is shocked about the things the girl spends her money on. Key word there is her money. The girl in the video is a designer and she started hand stitching her designs from age 15. At that young age she was already competing in project runway junior and got her exposure. She does her designing part time and still manages an 8-5 job. This is depressing for my Kenyan audience because at 27 people are still battling unemployment. It only got worse with Covid 19 and the many positions being declared redundant.

Its really tough not earning coins in your name. Patricia’s reaction when the girl showed her shoe closet and all we could see were designer labels was ‘I like designer shoes but I did not like designer shoes when I was at low budget. I liked offers, discounted prices not yeezys’. this comment reeled laughter from me. This is the same Patricia who has fashion hauls on her YouTube from all trendy stores. She had to cut her taste to match the money she was earning.. you mean she didn’t always own designer items! The comment made me look around my tiny room and I could sure do with love for low budget things don’t we all?

Patricia did however bring a point to light, a lot of these social media celebrities we see doning designer clothing all the time don’t actually own some of them. They are given to them for the marketing. Sometimes they get to keep them, sometimes the clothes are sent back after the shoot. Other times they get to keep them for a discounted price. Several people strive to dress like a certain so and so or own clothes from flagship stores that you were the first to love not pre loved. Anyway, now we know that people we look up to did not start there and neither do some of them own those clothes.

After several welcome to my Channel videos, please like and subscribe instructions, seeing shopping hauls, home makeovers, DIYs, travelling on a budget anything and everything that can be documented up to and including Iconic corpses the feeling of what am I doing with my life is overwhelming. There is constant pressure either from within or around to account for your time.

To end my search for entertainment, I took a trip down history. I watched the lives of reknowned men and women. What they did, what they went through, and what made them famous. Those tales are mind blowing; I would urge this edutainment. Learning about famous painters, musicians, presidents, kings and generally any name you hear or see being thrown including authors of quotes you have resonated with. Vincent van Gogh’s life was particularly remarkable. Many know him as a famous painter but few really know his paintings. I struggle referring to myself as a writer as I am still learning the craft and I do not think I have much to show for it yet coupled with the fact that I have not written long enough to establish a niche or produce work that I consider befitting of the public eye on a daily basis.

Befitting as per whose standards one asks? At some point, Van Gogh sought solitude so that he can produce his own inspired work as opposed to being influenced by what the people around him were creating or what he was being told by his brother was selling in the art gallery. He of course acknowledged other Painters who at his time he considered skilled in the craft. Unfortunately, his artwork was not appreciated as much during his lifetime as people thought him mad and rightly so.

It is good to love many things for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much, performs much and can accomplish much and what is done in love is well done

Vincent van gogh

This quote answers that the measure of quality of one’s work is in it being done in love. It matters not the appreciation, or monetary value but because Van Gogh experienced what lack of these two can do he advised that one should love many things. Another take away from Van Gogh’s life was the devastating effect of loneliness. Love for anything without someone to share with is misery. Having battled with feelings of inadequacy and questioning my path and its trajectory, I am rather content with what emerged from my search of entertainment.

Posted on

13.08.2020

The Best PC Gaming Controller | Reviews by Wirecutter
The New York Times

Thirty Three!! wow, that would have been great. Would we have had a small party with red candles thick enough for a ritual? Hopefully this time someone else would get the candles right. Anyway, they still come in handy when KPLC surprises us which has not been that often over the years.

No one cries on a birthday, its taboo. I cry months before, days before, hours before, and unfortunately throughout my day. I got the rook piercing and its still painful 7 months later. You’d barely notice it, but dislike you would. I’m still stoked about the wedding, your new contract at L’oreal and all the high end cosmetic products that would come my way. We had dinner plans for restaurant week and I’ve not been able to show up for that reservation. One day I will, seat on a table for two, and have that conversation that now feels like it was a parting shot.

John asked me about you last week, how timely. I had no words yet its simple. Its funny how at times I blurt it out and other times I cannot get myself to say the same words. He has not seen you in a while and he wondered where you’ve gone, whether you still work, do you? Shadrack uses your number now. He has a small daughter or maybe a niece, I wonder what you would have named your own. Is it weird that I look at his profile picture and wonder how easy a photo replaces someone? He is now the symbol of our conversations, our media, our documents and links but he knows none of it. He most definitely sees a blank picture on my end, he does not even have my number. I wonder if Shadrack is thirty three, at least he has the same body frame and height but he’s much darker and different, a stranger.

Birthdays are not sad, they are a celebration and I too am celebrating. It was hard for me to eat cake last year, and the year before but maybe today I will. When I sat in that office and cried through my day wishing my piercing appointment away and hoping that then I would show up for that reservation but somehow I typed. I get the most views on my relatively sad posts and subscriptions on the light hearted ones. It is rich, a letter described; by the end of the month the number of posts would be as many as my age. You would be proud of every word but maybe then I would not be writing. You know at first I had 169 words, the square of 13 because 26 letters only make the alphabet even on the thirteenth. It feels good having a first; my very own blog anniversary.

I can picture that smile, the hugs you gave and the constant name calling for no particular reason. How I would want that just for a day. I do remember, I do not feel right making everyone else remember. I do not want to make them uncomfortable. Much as I want, I cannot keep it to myself although that would save each of us the trouble. I’ll just ask that you bear with me.

Our esteemed friend got 30 of these candles 😂
Posted on

Beauty

We have been told that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, that the beautiful ones are not yet born ( will they ever be? ), that there are the beautiful and the damned. Some even say that beauty and brains do not go hand in hand and add that beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes clean into the bone. Well, I dare say that there is beauty in nature, nurture and the things we photograph.

Nurture being the reflection of one’s upbringing. How they carry themselves around. How they do not apologize for being late because they arrived on time only you came in earlier. Do I have to explain nature’s beauty? Look around, those prospering house plants unless you do not have a green thumb ( then again why are you keeping them around ?), sunsets, sunrises, clouds, aurora…

Where To See The Northern Lights Before Winter Ends
courtesy of forbes

His was not beauty… He had nothing striking but at least he did not fail to see the beauty in other things, and in me. Just a regular guy in jeans and a shirt drenched in axe and body sweat.

Why haven’t we normalized gifting axe as it seems to be the typical guy’s perfume. Even those who do not use it have either used it in the past or know someone who did. If you have zero idea what axe is I would like to be introduced to your kind.

Why are we talking about him on a random day… Ah! I remember he came up because of beauty and even though he lacks it he matches up for it with his dressing. There’s something about people who go the extra mile. Those who do things not for you to notice but because it is second nature to them, how they were nurtured.

There is beauty in the things we photograph; the details that catch our eye hence why I consider phone galleries very personal. They are a physical manifestation of the window to our souls.

If I had the permission to go through someone’s phone, I would start with their memo and see what they take note of. Secondly, I would check their gallery to see what they take pictures of, what they screenshot and what their friends send them. Lastly, I would go through their contact list. I find it hilarious how people choose to spell my name. I thought it was one of the few people can’t get wrong but many times they do. I would also want to know how they have saved me.. a pet name perhaps or my name followed with how or where we met the likes of Lawie hostel or John Bcom or Grace BS for Bible study not bullshit. There’s another kind that saves you with both names. These ones know so many people that they need to particularise. They know you well enough to know both your names. More often you are close friends but they are just not the cheesy ones to save you as Lawie Bff or John fam.

There is beauty in nature, nurture and the things we photograph

mashkiz

What I would not do is pick up someone’s phone and go through their gallery. Remember my friend who told me not to put pressure on people by calling them best friend in F.R.I.E.N.D.S well if you don’t check out that post. Also, she said whatever you see in her phone is your fault because you went looking. She has no password or finger print lock; her phone is an open book but no one has dared explored after such warning.

Love of beauty is taste, the creation of beauty is art

Ralph Waldo Emerson

So much can be said of beauty; It needs a book not a post and few will agree on what is deemed beautiful. I’ll leave it to the quotes that we have mastered through the years. Maybe all I wanted was to add mine for the generations to come.

If you truly love nature, you will find beauty everywhere

Vincent van Gogh
Posted on

Disappointment

What could have been failing to materialize. Despair seeping in, being resigned to whatever feels like taking stage next.

Sigh

Aaaagrh! I want to scream it out but decorum has to be maintained.

Sigh

If I stay still I will give room for the tear to roll out of my watery eyes. When I smile, it feels like I am stabbing my soul because the eyes which are the windows are not tinted.

The number of things in a day that could go wrong is uncountable because the possibility is in every single action. Despite beating the odds and having one, two or three go wrong we never see past that one.

I photograph my disappointments just as I do my success. Most days I learn from them but in certain occasions I pick a lesson that may be far from it.

I followed a recipe to the T but didn’t like the outcome

Who coats potatoes with maize flour and why would one even do that! Anyway this recipe stipulated so and I did. I know one can coat with flour and I really wanted it to work out but it did not. There went my time, flour, potatoes, cooking oil, gas, energy, enthusiasm and appetite and with that outcome, I went to bed hungry.

The lesson in that meal might probably have been not to coat potatoes with maize flour because I don’t fancy mine like that but instead I completely unfollowed that particular food blogger because I no longer trust the outcome of the recipes. I know someone would even argue that maybe the problem is the cook and not the recipe but I dare say I am pretty good at following instructions. After all, this is one fail from the many recipes of hers that I have tried. Many of the others did come out well but I just don’t agree with her measurements and her choice of spice as it tends to bring a flavour I do not desire in my meals though they are not entirely off.

Yet another epic fail. These are beef patties 😅.

I know!! It does not look like it but it did before I put them on the pan and somehow they turned out like this. At least they did not lack in taste and I would happily have them as sloppy Joes but since that was not the intention when trying the recipe I had to keep going.

My sloppy Joes before they failed the test of time

I had a little help from my brother who has great culinary skills and voilà!! Let’s just say the burger industry has lost me as a customer.

Take two

My charm is mostly on the second try God knows I may not have the patience to attempt a third.

finger licking mahamri’s

Well, this mahamri’s almost never saw the light of day. When kneading the dough something was off… The consistency did not feel right and at some point I veered off the recipe directions. Being my 2nd time cooking mahamri’s on my own and the first not being so good, I was willing to accept that mahamri’s were just not my thing and look forward to my next visit to Coast. Having come that far and even skipping my online class to partake in this, I decided to see what would be of that dough that refused to stop sticking on my palms and my determination did pay off.

Most situations are like this… Sticky, messy, you want to easily do away with them but just hold on…You may get something beautiful from it.

I have been rather disappointed. I am not working out as much as I would want to, I am not as productive as I would wish to be, I have been struggling to get my water intake to 8 glasses a day, I have not even been as happy as I would want to be and all these got me disappointed. Creating things which is always my source of joy also stopped being because I ran out of ideas. My concentration span has not been long enough to lose myself in book reading like I always do hence it has been disappointment and I. My last disappointment being mid month and not having a draft worthy of publishing. The notifications from wordpress on gaining a follower did not help because I worried I have more people to disappoint. Watching someone else go through disappointment inspired this post. I hope you have not been disappointed reading this.

Posted on

On my mat

Imagine having someone remind you to breathe every five minutes for the next one hour. When to inhale or exhale and how long to hold your breath. This is what happens when I get onto my mat. Ujayi breathe into your nostrils and out through the nostrils. Sometimes the person encourages that you let it out in a loud sigh, lion’s breath. Breathing is an exercise in itself and also a product of exercising. Breathing also takes place without your active inducement. It is silent, steady and rhythmic. With your breath you can heighten a sensation or calm your nerves. It is such a powerful bodily function that is partly within our control.

There are also other catchphrases that are unique to this mat. Stack your shoulders, square your hips, lift your gaze, float to the front of your mat and spread your toes. As a beginner I wondered huh!! Is he serious. When I looked around, everyone was unfazed. They had drishti which I came to learn is focus. On this mat I turn into an animal. Its a jungle on its own. We do frog poses, grasshopper, fish, camel, birds of paradise, eagle, cobra, gorilla you name it. I also get to be part of nature with my tree, lotus and mountain pose. Some poses just mimic things that are around we have boat pose, wheel pose, waterfall… This is why being on the mat is so peaceful; before you finish being all those animals, your surroundings and nature you have completely no room for thoughts to creep in. You literally empty your mind as you go with the flow vinyasa.

The hard thing isn’t doing the poses, it is getting the strength to show up on your mat each and every day. In my first class I wondered why the instructor began and ended by thanking the person on the mat. It is not easy. Yes, I thought so too… just a mat, comfortable one as such with grip, colorful depending on the mat, dressed in comfortable clothing you chose, why wouldn’t you show up? There is a unique pain you feel after your first attempt. Your wrists, your hamstrings, your core you light a fire within that burns.

The language on my mat is sanskrit. It has beautiful words such as chaturanga, malasana, flobo, savasana and namaste which you are probably familiar with. On my mat I know when I am due for a manicure and pedicure as I stare at my toes and fingers in downward dog. Yes there is an upward dog and we also walk the dog. On the triangle pose I check my armpit and know when I am due for waxing or if my deodorant works. Most of the time, I am in touch with my body scent because the drip after sun salutations can germinate a seed.

What happens on the mat is no longer a practice but a movement. In the wake of Covid 19 when studios were closed, and everything moved to virtual, so many people joined the mat movement. Though the sequences seem repeated, there is a different way the body feels the first time you do the asana, the second time and towards the end. The same instructions are repeated in so many languages and can also be done in silence. My first silent class was frustrating but once I got the hang of it, I looked forward to just breathe in sequence with a group of people on mats. On a Saturday class with a French instructor, I couldn’t help humming along to the background music. Much later I realized the reason the music spoke to me on a primal level was that it was in my native language. Ayub Ogada’s Koth biro in a French studio… Who would have thought!

One phrase that is common among instructors when taking a pose is that if you begin to feel discomfort, get deeper into the pose… Breathe. At other times the same instructors advice, listen to your body. Effort and ease, if today your body cannot handle side plank with a leg raised take it slow, bend the knee. Jon Snow knew this back in season 7.

So much is learnt on this mat that can be translated to daily living. For starters we have the aspect of traveling light. We weigh ourselves down with worries, plans, aspirations for the future when all that is in our control is the present. Be in the present an instructor will always remind. Just focus on your breath they will add and true to that, you realize at times all you can do is be aware of your breathing.

Balance is another thing practiced on the mat. One has to support the body weight on their elbow, headstand, or half moon. If you are not almost tipping over, all muscles are activated to support. Too much of anything is dangerous. Balance self care with productivity, know when you need to detach and the times you need to be fully present. We do fall on the mat, countless times. The thing is when you fall just get back up. On this mat, we learn to be comfortable with silence, stillness of the mind. We learn to be intentional with our practice and that everything is temporary be it the rest we take during child’s pose or the uncomfortable frog pose. We become aware of the tension that is stored within our bodies.

It is on this mat that I learnt to fully accept myself as I am. It’s never about what the other person is doing or how they are doing it. I just listen to the instructor and do what is within my practice. They will always repeat this… You are allowed to modify they will say. This means you can take it a notch higher or tone it down. For every pose, there is a modification there is no one way of doing things. The advanced students will take crow when everyone else takes a squat, they will go for wheel pose if it is within their practice as everyone else takes bridge. This does not demoralize you, it doesn’t make your practice feel any less. It actually motivates you to put in the effort till you can also modify. At the same time those who are already advanced in their practice do not feel like a show off, they worked their way towards the modification and the instructor’s encourage them to show off. On the mat there is zero room for judgement and once I realized this, I ditched my baggy t shirt for a sports bra. I may not have the body to go with it yet and who says I do not have the body to go with it anyway.

I am grateful for this journey. It is not one with a destination as I am constantly learning, constantly falling, constantly breathing.

Posted on

Musings

I like new relationships. How you wake up with a smile on your face for no reason. How you are always smiling while looking at your phone. How you are oblivious of everything else that is happening apart from what he said and how you feel. How everyone else who points out the obvious is now the enemy. How a single ring with that name on the screen makes you drop things in a heartbeat. How you develop new interests like going for rugby games that do not make sense to you. How you change your routine to accommodate someone else. How you consult on decisions that you would have taken up on your own, what’s not to like.

For someone who likes such, I have not kept relationships that long… once that ship sails, it’s like I am looking for the first port of call and I’ll willingly let it dock. I do not believe in sweet nothings, I do not believe in third chances and once the two are out so is that flame. Akin to Lady Gaga’s million reasons, I just need one good one, a really good one to stay and so far I have had none.

I have only recognized love in the form I give. If it is something I would not do in the name of love, why would someone do that for me? I realize Jesus said love your neighbour as you would love yourself and maybe their action is exactly how they would treat themselves, both the extravagant lover and the stingy lover because one can’t pour from an empty cup.

I have mistaken love for stupidity because I am a fairly logical person. I do not stunt and I pretty much think before I act. So why you would use your last coins to buy me a gift instead of your lunch is beyond me. I would buy myself the food because out of the same love I know you would rather have a healthy me than a beautiful gift and that is also what I would want for you. What I forget is that you will get me the gift to see that smile on my face and not because you have not thought of buying the food, but because that’s just how you love.

My friends think I am a sucker for happy endings. I tell them that as much as I can control the ending of the story, I would make it a happy one. It’s the only opportunity I have because life as we know it is full of surprises. I want to be that bride who cries on her wedding day, that mother who cries when the doctor hands over the newborn child, that random person who tears when the news is just too good that you lack words to express yourself. Tears of joy are the real deal! If I am going to shed a tear I want it to be out of the abundance of joy.

I saw this draft when contemplating what my next post should be. It was untitled.. I read the unfinished post and my reaction was damn!! You mean, that girl writes! I had thought of 22 lessons before 23 but many people have that and the lessons are the same across the board. As it has been evident in these 10 months of writing, Yes!! like a full pregnancy term, we will soon be having an anniversary and hopefully we will reach the 1000 readers mark. A writer divulges parts of themselves in the writing process. Much as one tries to keep the writing separate from the personal, it oozes from the diction.

Night passed when she was twenty three. She had dark beautiful flawless skin. When I look at my photo hard enough, I see her in me. I see that dark beautiful flawless skin. I do not talk about her. No one has in a long time. We mention her, we think of her. She’s like a cloud, ever present, lingering but no one mentions it. When clouds gather and you mention that they are dark indicating rainfall, we mention our cloud on Christmas eve. That is when it gets dark enough and we have to acknowledge the presence of the cloud.

It now adds up… I was 9. It has always felt just like the other day. I try digging up memories and the ones that come up are never enough. I was only 9, there is not so much one can remember from such a young age. This is when I knew how losing someone you love hurts. It did not matter that then, I knew she was in a better place. She was strong in her faith. At 23 Night loved singing hymns. She loved cleaning. I remember her scrubbing the bath tub and the kitchen tiles. I clean when I’m anxious or stressed out and it calms me. At only 9 I had to let go of someone I love.

The concept of loss has been revisited in my life. It is true that grief is the price we pay for love. The reason why I willingly let my ship dock at the first port of call is because I do not want to pay the price for love. It is too dear. The tears sting your eyes, food becomes unpalatable, tasteless. My friends will tell you I love cooking. I spend my money ordering good food every once in a while. I want that good taste so bad that I would rather skip a meal that is not well cooked than force it down my throat. I do this because I know how it feels when you are in so much pain that your favourite food is tasteless. I guard the places I love so much because I know how empty they feel when you visit and the person you used to go with is no longer there.

I love happy endings because I do not know if I will have one. I enjoy attending weddings because I dream of that one day. It may seem that I do things impulsively but I have known death at a young age and there is just no time to wait. I love celebrating birthdays because I know that the next one is not a guarantee. I take risks with extreme sports like bungee jumping and travelling with an unknown crowd because death still finds you in the comfort of your bed. It may seem such a pessimistic way to live but it is quite the opposite. I relish every single day I do not hit my minimus against furniture. I buy the best, extravagant taste at times because if not now when? I read fiction because I get to live another character’s life just between those covers and enrich my own with their experiences. I choose fun and laughter over everything because I have known pain. At twenty three, I will only cry tears of joy!

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started