Here’s a piece that launched my writing on 21st November 2018. There was a call for submission for a piece on mental health and the chosen articles would be on the 2019 July issue of Sed Africa. Sed Africa is an online magazine for students and by students. In the email, the line that caught my eye was ‘ If you are still trying to figure out exactly what you’re capable of, why not start here?‘ I headed to the library, opened Microsoft word and stared at a blank page. I’m not sure how long it took me to write but I sent my submission clearly stating that i’m not a writer but I have an assemble of words.
Fast forward to 10th February and I receive an email Sed Africa 7 with a link to access the Issue. Voila! I spot my first tag line and now you get to read it as well. Here’s a link to Sed Africa for an enlightening indulgence https://sedcontra.com.ar/sed-africa/
Did you ever imagine yourself being where you are currently? Holding positions you currently do? Living the life you currently afford? Good or bad.
Well, for some it might have been rather obvious; this is your dream career coming to light, everything turning out how you expected whereas, others marvel at what the journey of life has been… Making friends out of strangers and quite often the dear friends till death do us part becoming strangers.
I never had a plan joining University, but I did hope that it would be the best years of my life. I anticipated making new friends who would last a lifetime, keeping tabs on my old friends and remaining as close as we were. The greatest hope of all that makes me laugh my heart out is the dream fairy-tale I waited to unfold.
Nothing ever prepares you for the reality of life. Not the myriad bible verses you memorised as a child, nor the lessons learnt from other peoples ‘mistakes’. When the time comes, you make a choice from the cards you are dealt with. Most of the time they aren’t the cards you would have hoped for but either way you have to make a move, and everyone is watching, stakes are high. These are the moments that shape you.
Much is said about positivity, happiness, well-being, mental health, self-awareness, peace the list goes on. I will sum it all in three letters YOU. Circumstances coming our way that we did not envision is inevitable. There is no perfect ending, perfect life BUT you can still have your fairy-tale. Disclaimer: It would not end like the ones you’ve heard before because the characters and the director are different. You are the lead role; the sole director and as always portrayed in films, the star overcomes pretty much everything.
I am glad to have realised early in life that I have control over my mental health, self-value and everything else within my reach. In these four years I would probably have made different choices, had totally different outcomes, some I wish I could. Nevertheless, I do not regret. In your journey of life, You are the author of your book, the composer of your song, the judge of your case, your own architect… Never be put on anyone’s weighing scale. They do not have your cards, know your song, the facts of your case or the structure of your plan.
Ps: This is not advice for I am barely old enough to give some. Take it as you will; with a pinch of salt, herbal- I would suggest- for your health’s sake.
2019 plummeted my reading culture. Without realizing, I preferred travelling with a book in hand. It enabled me to withstand traffic and made waiting for people who don’t keep time bearable. Slowly I developed a culture and quickly joined a community of people who love reading. I go for book club meetings once a month, I subscribe to a podcast that has monthly book discussions and several book suggestions, I devote an entire board on my Pinterest to book titles I have to read and lastly I share my thoughts on books I have read and insist that my friends and family read the same.
By the 31st of December 2019 I had finished reading around 35 books. The figure is not exact because I was simply reading for the fun of it and only made a count of those I could remember after getting to know that people had set reading targets for the year. I beat myself up because there are some books I out rightly refused to set my eyes on and others I consider nuanced like the classics but still struggled reading. Thanks to a comment on the bookclub podcast I tune to ‘any reading is good reading‘; It validated my choices and made me more comfortable sharing them.
One book I reread to refresh my memory as it became a book club read later in the year ( It endswith us by Colleen Hoover), four I reread because I enjoyed the story so much and wanted to relieve the feeling the writing had evoked in me at a past time( What the future holds by Sarah Mkhonza, Memories of midnight by Sidney Sheldon, the Other side of Midnight by Sidney Sheldon, and Rage of Angels by Sidney Sheldon).
If it isn’t evident thus far, Sidney Sheldon is my all time favorite author. I have read all his books even the ones Co- Authored by Tilly Bagshawe. Rage of Angels holds a special place in my heart. I prefer the books solely written by him to the co-authored ones. Nevertheless, I am grateful that Tilly Bagshawe brings to life his unfinished manuscripts.
If I had my passport stamped for every place I have traveled to in books, I would have been to Nigeria thrice, France, the US more than 10 times, Greece, Norway, Poland, Thailand, Somalia, Brazil and Switzerland. These are among the notable countries I remember due to their vivid description. Katerina by James Frey took me to Paris, France. I landed at Charles de Gaulle and really explored the streets of Paris. I dined at a local Cafe, had a local bar that I frequented, spent days at the Louvre admiring striking pieces of Art and had conversations next to the Seine.
The genres I read were diverse. The Tattooist of Aushwitz a historical Fiction by Heather Morris made me experience Hitler’s ruling. The fact that I was reading this book while on a luxury vacation heightened the pain felt by those in concentration camps. I remember finishing the last sentence while at Border Control getting my Passport stamped and I shed a tear.
2019 was my first audio book listening experience. There is this podcast called nipe story hosted by a Kenyan, Kevin Mwachiro that gives voice to a compilation of African short story fiction, Kenyan stories. The story that got me looped is The Prostitute and heartbreak by Michael Ochoki. You have to listen to this. The story telling is just amazing and credit should also go to the story itself but the narrator, my oh my! Here’s a link https://podtail.com/en/podcast/nipe-story/the-prostitute-and-heartbreak-by-michael-ochoki/
Eleven minutes by Paulo Coelho is a book that should be read. I had a wild guess on what the tittle would be alluding but the discovery I made in the pages of the book was not one that crossed my mind. Three women by Lisa Taddeo gave me a list of vocabulary as well as a different challenge in life. When I think of a breakdown in a relationship, I tend to focus on the wrong things either party did. What of the things neither party did?
Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire was a totally pointless read. I finished the book simply to voice my disappointment at my book club meeting. The only silver lining the book had were the life lessons ‘quotes’ that i’ll share. ” Another secret of the universe: Sometimes pain was like a storm that came out of nowhere. The clearest summer would end in a downpour.” I do relate to this. “Maybe we just lived between hurting and healing” this is food for thought. “I got to thinking that poems were like people. Some people you got right off the bat. Some people you just didn’t get- and never would get” I almost conquer with John Green when he says that our favourite quotations reveal more about us than the authors who wrote them.
A girl walks into a bar by Paige Helena was a first read of its kind. It is a book where you get to choose what happens to the character and therefore determine your ending. I enjoyed reading it so much that even after having my ending, I went back to look at what the outcome would have been if I had made a different choice. Don’t we all want this? This reminds me of Dark Matter by Blake Crouch. It brings out the existence of a parallel universe and there being different versions of us living the life of the path we did not take when we were at crossroads.
Hidden in Plain sightby Nurrudin Farah is one of those books I am pleased I got to lay my hands on. It is based in Nairobi, Kenya and Somalia. Reading about the streets you know, places you frequent resonates with you. Given that the theme of the book is terrorism, I cried uncontrollably when reading it despite the fact that I was on public transport which raised an alarm from the concerned driver whom I sat next to.
The Blessed girl by Angela makholwa is another notable read. It brings to light challenges faced by young girls and is very realistic.
My author of the year has to be Colleen Hoover. I have read five of her books and enjoyed each one of them. I think she first has a theme then writes around it. Each of the five books has addressed a particular issue. Hopeless is on defilement and its effect, Without Merit is on Mental Health, It ends with us is on physical abuse in a relationship, All your perfects is on infertility and Verity is just twisted. This is the book that introduced me to the author and i’m still intrigued by it. I have questions that only Colleen can address.
Alafair Burke is an author whose books I will read more of in 2020. The two I read this year have been thrilling( The wife, and The Ex). Given the background of the Author, hers is a mind I would love to pick. The Book club podcast I have been referring to is called bad on paper. I got to learn about it sometime in November in time to join them for their December read which I really enjoyed and helped get me in the Christmas mood. The book is titled One day in December by Josie Silver . Three Women by Lisa Taddeo was also a podcast bookclub read and they brought the author in for a discussion which is a rare opportunity.
2019 in books has been an opportunity to live vicariously and I hope you too decide to enjoy life as a different character all through the 365 days.
I am not counting but we are just about to start hearing about new year resolutions. Late last year I decided to be making mine later in the year around this time so that I have a head-start preparing how I will accomplish them. Fortunately since then, I have always accomplished my year’s bucket list and in some occasions surpassed what I thought was too early to dream of achieving. This coming year, I would like to challenge you to dream big, live large and simply have your little heaven down here .
In this harsh economic times I know this is the last thing on your mind.I hope after my last full stop you will see the need to make it a priority. This year has been awakening for me in different areas of my life. I have come to acknowledge that life will always be complicated, money will always be scarce but we need to make the little we have stretch further.
I came across a quote which befits this space. It stated: the emergency that always gets you in the end is the one you didn’t prepare for. So let’s face it, there is always gonna be another mountain and we’ll always want to make it move( The Climb-Miley Cyrus) and while trying to make it move, we can use some equipment. This equipment is the bigger spoon.
Often we’ve read that the grass is greener where you water it. This big spoon is the sprinkler. Whether kwa ground vitu ni different, it doesn’t hurt to have a little heaven down here. There are some experiences you hear of and marvel at how large people are living this life when will we get to hear about yours? Good thing is, you do not have to break the bank or be part of NYS 4 to have your experience.
Hosea 4: 6 tells us, my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. I have been a victim countless times.
Ask!
Seek!
Research!
let this year be the end of your destruction. More so because most answers are within our reach by the click of a button. Kenya has so much to offer that we Kenyans have not realized. For instance, do you know that there is a Bear in Kenya? Yes you read it right, a grown Bear! Now that you know, research to find out where this Bear is located and plan to make a visit sooner rather than later before it becomes extinct like Sudan the white Rhino.
Not once, not twice have I been in a gathering whose audience is mostly whites right here in Kenya and I ask myself why don’t we kenyans show up for such as I believe there are a majority who would enjoy the experience. Later, I get the answer to my question which is always, I did not know about it. Fine, there are things I still do not know but i’m putting my best foot forward and my ears on the ground. Even if I may not partake in each and every activity I will know about it.
Knowledge is power and the more you know, the more you realise how much you do not know. Your big spoon is YOUR big spoon; whether it is a tea spoon, a table spoon, a soup spoon it is YOURS. Don’t hate on another’s table spoon while you are still on your tea spoon perhaps for you its tea time and for the other its simply lunch, or dinner and not their tea spoon moment.
All I am trying to say in these many words is that you need to try out that new restaurant, visit that place your heart longs for, make time for your own happiness. The more we wait on people so that we can do it as friends, or have company the higher the chances we will not accomplish what we long for. I might be on my teaspoon moment but I’m hopeful that lunch is coming and then I will use a bigger spoon to experience all the marvels this life has to offer. Hopefully it will be a table for two as you will be dining along with me.
Think of anything, a product or a service. In this instance, we will take books. By virtue that you are reading this, I will undertake that you are one prone to consume literary works. So for instance, you are in need of a book and you already have a title in mind . You could either: Go to a bookstore, get a soft copy online, thrift a second hand copy or borrow from a friend who owns a copy. One in 5 people would go to a book store,two among five people would not mind a soft copy. I am sure we can do the math for the remaining scenarios as obviously one in five would thrift and at least one in 5 would borrow from a friend. These choices made by the different people are inspired by several factors. Each considers the cost, the convenience,the forgone alternative and the urgency.
If I really need to get my hands on a book, the book store would be my first option. Unfortunately, it might be that time of the month my finances do not allow or generally I have other accumulated needs that rank higher in priority. Then, I would consider thrifting but as this heavily relies on luck, I may have to settle on a soft copy. The possibility of finding a friend with the book I want who is willing to lend and we actually meet for the exchange to take place is as rare as public holidays falling on a Monday or Friday.
Last month, experience had the privilege of teaching me how cheap is indeed expensive. I was so hungry at about midday after running errands in town. I had two options; either rush home and fix a quick meal that would go all the way to supper or find an affordable meal that will drown the pangs of hunger. Imagine if I faint on my way to the bus stop to get a matatu! Nitaambia nini watu? With this thought, I convinced myself to find a place to eat before the little energy I had in me lapsed.
I was drawn to this 200 shillings deal that had me served a packet of fries, one piece of chicken and 300ml soda. One bite… maybe it’s my taste buds second bite…. eeeww third bite I should have thought twice with such good a deal. The difference between 200 shillings and the 350 shillings for a proper serving of fries and two pieces of chicken is huge!!! That 150 shillings in between caters for the doubt in each bite as to what exactly you are tasting.
Traveling over the ‘long weekend’ is normally a hustle at Mololine. You are met with a queue and issuing tickets with no vehicles at sight. As usual, the fare has gone up by a hundred shillings or two. This is how I found myself at a random stage in town that had a matatu with a board on it written Nakuru Direct for 200 shillings less than what Mololine was charging. I took my seat and paid some guy who was issuing receipts at the door. Within no time the matatu was filled and off we went.
You know that smirk you have when you’ve got yourself a deal. I felt that I had not only saved time but money as well. I patted myself on the back. Little did I know the trouble that was in store for me. Of course the music was an ear sore but this was not dire as it could be remedied by plugging in earphones. However, I do not understand why people are never willing to open windows even slightly for air circulation. Yes… it was, raining and cold outside but with all windows tightly closed tsk tsk .
The weather was quite a mess. Foggy… which did not stop the driver from speeding and zigzaging on a rather straight road. The matatu I boarded had about 2 babies carried in each row of four seats. Beside me, a woman was sweating, quietly staring at the closed window. From the terrible driving to the suffocation, either could easily kill one before destination. I am normally car sick and these conditions were mercilessly constricting life out of my body. Fortunately for everyone in that matatu, I had pre-medicated for my nausea. I had actually taken the original drug and not the generic ones I usually pick for 10 shillings less because those ones would for sure not have been effective in this environment.
Being a long holiday, everyone was on the road and slow traffic was inevitable. We had approximately 1 hr of a standstill until our driver maneuvered his way out. Relieved that he knew of an alternative route, we remained calm. We later realized no other vehicle was using our route; I mean how novel could this route be? Upon inquiry, the driver declared that he had no intention of being stuck in traffic for a day and therefore had decided to take us back to Nairobi.
What madness is this!!! I literally laughed amidst the angry passengers howlings . At this rate nothing about this matatu could shock me anymore. As much as I really needed to get to my destination, I resigned to fate because all this was my doing in the name of saving 200 shillings! There and then the Mololine matatu that I should have boarded passed us and I thought, that could have been me but now I have a psycho on the wheels and beautiful pine breeze within the matatus tightly shut windows.
The passengers threatened, pleaded,and cajoled the driver till he decided to turn the vehicle around and head to the intended destination. In between, he had 3 more moments of indecision where he kept turning back. Never again!!!! I got to my destination 6 hrs later a route that takes me 2 and a half hours but with the traffic it might have taken me 3 and a half or four hours but 6 hrs just to save 200ksh!!!
Currently, I am seated on a Mololine matatu with plenty circulation of air, good music playing on the radio and I repeat no baby on board!! Even though I forgot to take my motion sickness medication, I am pretty comfortable breathing in sweet fresh air while enjoying the scenic views I missed on my way earlier and now I can take a break writing.
Its not yet Halloween but the biggest prank thrown at me is the reality of life. You struggle and once you get the hang of it poof!! Everything disappears and you have to start re building.
It would be fun they said… I want to be a grown up I once wished but I never knew how much my parents were shielding me from. Growing up has always been ask and it shall be given unto you. Ice cream in the fridge, chocolates, books, weekend outings, clothes but as an adult its more of seek but thou shan’t find.
Our lecturers did try prepare us for the reality that would hit us after graduation. We were counselled to lower our salary expectations but no one commented on the pressure that is work and the survival skills needed in the work environment. I have actually skipped a stage; The nightmare that is job hunting!
You wake up, send a couple of emails and each is accompanied by a different cover letter selling yourself as per the requirements of the position you are applying for. You even go ahead and take an online course on Cover Letter writing and the general conduct of interviews because you have to stand out among your peers who are also applying for the same jobs.
Then comes the paranoia of refreshing your mail box at set times during the day hoping for a response. If you are lucky enough, 2 jobs call you for an interview and the research begins. You have to prep for an aptitude test just in case, you look up the right answers concerning who you are, your weaknesses and justify each input in your C.V. After all this, one of the two jobs writes back offering you a position with the most bizarre terms and you’ll take it because beggars can’t be choosers.
You’ll start on your new job thrilled, thanking the heavens, updating your social media and sharing posts on office life before you know it…
Well its not all bad. You’ll make new friends or so you think until the moment of truth comes and their actions will be loud. Just when you begin making adjustments to accommodate and foster good working relations, the boss informs you that he needs to restructure the Office and make changes that may or may not affect you. Aaah here you were picturing yourself lucky and perhaps like your Parents already seeing yourself working there for the next 20 years and going up the ladder because you could not imagine going back to the nightmare.
The pied piper has stopped playing the tune and there’s nothing to dance to. Out in the cold, the rains beating hard you can’t even afford to catch a cold because the dawa from Java has now become a luxury. Here is when friends are calling for those random plots and others want to establish monthly traditions that involve money.
From this short lived experience, you come to acknowledge that Success is not owned, It is rented and rent is due everyday. This mindset will enable you soar to greater heights that even a door closing would not be detrimental to you as you would have accomplished much and have much left to keep you busy. In this same vein, you resolve to have detailed plans that are written down. Intending to make the plans Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely. Who knew the talks by Pepe Minambo would ring a bell later in life.
With 2 months to end the year, you know better than when you started. I can’t help but smile as it is Fun and Laughter over Everything. Someday if not today you will laugh about this experience.
Pseudocyesis is a medical condition experienced by women who believe they are expecting a child. The women experience majority if not all the symptoms akin to expectant women. For some reason this fact fascinated me. I mean, I could walk around experiencing everything a pregnant woman experiences yet all I have in me is gas!!!! It is only laughable if it was a pregnancy scare but I can’t imagine how damaging it is for an euphoric woman.
For the past couple of months I have been spotting possible gift items that someone would love, myself included. Maybe it is the thought of receiving a gift that engulfed me till the thought manifests itself in random things I spot. I would literally gift a stranger in my mind or later pair up a possible gift item I spotted to a friend. The other day I talked some girl into buying a jumpsuit I thought would look good on her and we’d just met. She actually got it and I really hope she does not regret that decision.
My favourite pass time as I wait for people i’m meeting in town is window shopping at MRP or visiting the cards section in Supermarkets. I once passed by Nakumatt to asses what remains of it during that period where vast outlets were closing. After getting my hands dusty from the shelves and nearly giving up, I unearthed a cute magnetic card with a picture slot that now graces my mum’s fridge and is the envy of her friends. Some other time still from Nakumatt, I picked a unique graduation card at an affordable price that I later resold to a friend who was in need of one on short notice. This is slowly developing into a habit but one needs to be really savvy.
Gifting has become rare or rather an act reserved for certain people. On valentines, apparently only someone you are seriously dating is the one to gift you. Even the ones you thought are heading somewhere wash their hands off in the name of we haven’t defined the relationship yet. Worse off is birthdays. Back when we were kids it was understandable why gifts only came from parents as they were the ones we perceived to have the means but this I have come to understand that the shying off gifting is an excuse for our selfishness.
Bare minimum you only have to gift once a year. This does not necessarily mean on birthdays. You can choose to be unique and spread your gifting. Give a friend a gift during Mashujaa day just to thank them for being the Shujaa in your life. Another can get one during New Years, just to grace his/ her Njanuary with a smile or pick one of those myriad International days. This kind gesture goes a really long way. Whoever said it is the thought that counts never told us how anyone would know of our thought if we do not manifest it. ( Just thinking out loud)
Colleen hoover in two of her books writes about unique gifting in passing. There is a character called Lily who receives anonymous seeds as gifts. The package comes with instructions on how to tender for the seedlings till maturity and only then would she know what she was planting. This I would really love if gardening was my thing. In another book, a certain character by the name Merit buys herself trophies on her awful days. The habit begins when her boyfriend dumps her right when she thinks they are having a moment. The first thing her eyes settles on after the words land on her ears is the boyfriend’s District Championship football trophy which she takes with her on her way out. Her thinking is; if he can ruin such a special moment for her she should at least get a trophy for it. This might seem outlandish but its something I would do just to laugh off eventually.
Having got this far into the reading, the challenge is to adopt a gifting culture for yourself and people around you. The trick is not to expect anything in return because this would break your heart. Just gift to see that reaction on someone’s face as they unwrap or gift to put a smile on someone’s face. These gifts have a special way they get to you without your noticing. Even though the receiving party does not reciprocate, the act does get to them and one way or another and they will in their own way. Since we cannot pour from an empty cup, begin with gifting yourself for absolutely no reason because that is a reason in itself.
Just a few days in and the collection of my stories make my experience sound like a lifetime. I wonder if I’ll still be writing about them 20 years into the work force. Then I’ll hopefully have 7 issues calling no yelling my name in need of attention and bills.
Wednesday afternoons are the slowest. Its midweek and being the end of the month I see that pay check coming already a few debts in. The rains are threatening, the boss is scathing and just when I think I can take no more Lawie! I hear my name, go serve these documents.
I really hate doing this. Walking around, documents at hand. Secretary! The touts call on me as I pass by. These people never ran out of names. To be effective, I have to be in character. Polite or demanding voice I think… depending on the situation I find myself in. A smile, a grin or just sign the damn papers face otherwise known as a scowl. I’ll figure it out in a bit.
Waiting.
Waiting.
This is how the day goes by out of office. At times I take an uber when I have been loaded with large or numerous files. If the Luggage is quite manageable or when I am in need of some coins I ride the bus. This lengthens the wait. I wait for the bus to get full, I wait for passengers to alight, I wait for the conductor to ask for fare, I wait for the conductor to return my change, I wait for that boring song to come to an end I WAIT.
The conductor engages me in the forget game. With everything going on in my mind I could easily forget my change. I pester him change! With my palm out He scowls ngojea. Just before the bus comes to a halt he runs off to confirm parking availability or whatever it is they run off to do. I am already planning my stops as I hold the rail down the stairs. Gudulululu my stomach rumbles. My change I remember. Its like my intestines put an arlam for that. They know if they don’t they’ll have more days to suffer.
I make my first stop then wait as they confirm the documents, wait as they consult whether to receive them or not, wait as they look for the received stamp, wait as they get another pen that actually writes, wait as they flip through the pages as if they had not done that before and still wait for them to give back my received copy.
I know…this wait business is canvassed everywhere but wait, its leading somewhere.
At my last stop I walk in disheveled. I’m done queuing! I’m done waiting for the guards to take my information in every building I go in. I’m done!! I AM DONE!
I am going to the office of the O.R I tell the guard at the entrance. Huyo ni nani ? The official receiver I repeat. Using these short forms make me feel like i’m in a knit circle. One that I have invented or does exist. Unlike the cool kids one back in the day membership in this one is only brains. I get to the office of the O.R and stupidly I ask where is the O.R ? Some gentleman behind huge files replies this is the office of the O.R any of us can attend to you.
This was just not any gentleman in an office. This was HIM!!! The cute guy I have been eyeing in my friend’s snaps yes!! We have two things in common now. Our taste in selection of friends and our career path so we can tango!
I really hope you got the joke if not just wait like those still waiting for this story to lead somewhere.
Today I wanted a piercing. It would help channel my pain elsewhere for the 6 months while it healed. Today I wanted to eat gourmet food to celebrate your life and love for finer things in life. Today I wanted a slice of Chocolate fudge cake because a memory of a birthday we celebrated came to mind. Today I wanted to have your friends over; our mutual friends and just remember you.
All I did today was breathe, hold the tears before they fell on my cheeks and write because I needed an outlet. I will never really mourn you enough, I’ll never get to terms with your death.
I finally get to start the blog and with this, I will get to experience your world of IT just as much as I have embraced football. I do have some traits that were very much your tendency. Your clothes no longer smell like you but they fit me perfectly. Your presence is everywhere and nowhere in particular. I miss you.
I love a good read. . . I want this space to be a platform for such. Writing that enhances dimples on your face, stories that give you those Aah moments and a bit of migraines because sunshine everyday makes a desert.
Dimples Migraines and Aahs 