mashkiz

June 21, 2020June 21, 2020

On my mat

Imagine having someone remind you to breathe every five minutes for the next one hour. When to inhale or exhale and how long to hold your breath. This is what happens when I get onto my mat. Ujayi breathe into your nostrils and out through the nostrils. Sometimes the person encourages that you let it out in a loud sigh, lion’s breath. Breathing is an exercise in itself and also a product of exercising. Breathing also takes place without your active inducement. It is silent, steady and rhythmic. With your breath you can heighten a sensation or calm your nerves. It is such a powerful bodily function that is partly within our control.

There are also other catchphrases that are unique to this mat. Stack your shoulders, square your hips, lift your gaze, float to the front of your mat and spread your toes. As a beginner I wondered huh!! Is he serious. When I looked around, everyone was unfazed. They had drishti which I came to learn is focus. On this mat I turn into an animal. Its a jungle on its own. We do frog poses, grasshopper, fish, camel, birds of paradise, eagle, cobra, gorilla you name it. I also get to be part of nature with my tree, lotus and mountain pose. Some poses just mimic things that are around we have boat pose, wheel pose, waterfall… This is why being on the mat is so peaceful; before you finish being all those animals, your surroundings and nature you have completely no room for thoughts to creep in. You literally empty your mind as you go with the flow vinyasa.

The hard thing isn’t doing the poses, it is getting the strength to show up on your mat each and every day. In my first class I wondered why the instructor began and ended by thanking the person on the mat. It is not easy. Yes, I thought so too… just a mat, comfortable one as such with grip, colorful depending on the mat, dressed in comfortable clothing you chose, why wouldn’t you show up? There is a unique pain you feel after your first attempt. Your wrists, your hamstrings, your core you light a fire within that burns.

The language on my mat is sanskrit. It has beautiful words such as chaturanga, malasana, flobo, savasana and namaste which you are probably familiar with. On my mat I know when I am due for a manicure and pedicure as I stare at my toes and fingers in downward dog. Yes there is an upward dog and we also walk the dog. On the triangle pose I check my armpit and know when I am due for waxing or if my deodorant works. Most of the time, I am in touch with my body scent because the drip after sun salutations can germinate a seed.

What happens on the mat is no longer a practice but a movement. In the wake of Covid 19 when studios were closed, and everything moved to virtual, so many people joined the mat movement. Though the sequences seem repeated, there is a different way the body feels the first time you do the asana, the second time and towards the end. The same instructions are repeated in so many languages and can also be done in silence. My first silent class was frustrating but once I got the hang of it, I looked forward to just breathe in sequence with a group of people on mats. On a Saturday class with a French instructor, I couldn’t help humming along to the background music. Much later I realized the reason the music spoke to me on a primal level was that it was in my native language. Ayub Ogada’s Koth biro in a French studio… Who would have thought!

One phrase that is common among instructors when taking a pose is that if you begin to feel discomfort, get deeper into the pose… Breathe. At other times the same instructors advice, listen to your body. Effort and ease, if today your body cannot handle side plank with a leg raised take it slow, bend the knee. Jon Snow knew this back in season 7.

So much is learnt on this mat that can be translated to daily living. For starters we have the aspect of traveling light. We weigh ourselves down with worries, plans, aspirations for the future when all that is in our control is the present. Be in the present an instructor will always remind. Just focus on your breath they will add and true to that, you realize at times all you can do is be aware of your breathing.

Balance is another thing practiced on the mat. One has to support the body weight on their elbow, headstand, or half moon. If you are not almost tipping over, all muscles are activated to support. Too much of anything is dangerous. Balance self care with productivity, know when you need to detach and the times you need to be fully present. We do fall on the mat, countless times. The thing is when you fall just get back up. On this mat, we learn to be comfortable with silence, stillness of the mind. We learn to be intentional with our practice and that everything is temporary be it the rest we take during child’s pose or the uncomfortable frog pose. We become aware of the tension that is stored within our bodies.

It is on this mat that I learnt to fully accept myself as I am. It’s never about what the other person is doing or how they are doing it. I just listen to the instructor and do what is within my practice. They will always repeat this… You are allowed to modify they will say. This means you can take it a notch higher or tone it down. For every pose, there is a modification there is no one way of doing things. The advanced students will take crow when everyone else takes a squat, they will go for wheel pose if it is within their practice as everyone else takes bridge. This does not demoralize you, it doesn’t make your practice feel any less. It actually motivates you to put in the effort till you can also modify. At the same time those who are already advanced in their practice do not feel like a show off, they worked their way towards the modification and the instructor’s encourage them to show off. On the mat there is zero room for judgement and once I realized this, I ditched my baggy t shirt for a sports bra. I may not have the body to go with it yet and who says I do not have the body to go with it anyway.

I am grateful for this journey. It is not one with a destination as I am constantly learning, constantly falling, constantly breathing.

June 1, 2020June 1, 2020

Musings

I like new relationships. How you wake up with a smile on your face for no reason. How you are always smiling while looking at your phone. How you are oblivious of everything else that is happening apart from what he said and how you feel. How everyone else who points out the obvious is now the enemy. How a single ring with that name on the screen makes you drop things in a heartbeat. How you develop new interests like going for rugby games that do not make sense to you. How you change your routine to accommodate someone else. How you consult on decisions that you would have taken up on your own, what’s not to like.

For someone who likes such, I have not kept relationships that long… once that ship sails, it’s like I am looking for the first port of call and I’ll willingly let it dock. I do not believe in sweet nothings, I do not believe in third chances and once the two are out so is that flame. Akin to Lady Gaga’s million reasons, I just need one good one, a really good one to stay and so far I have had none.

I have only recognized love in the form I give. If it is something I would not do in the name of love, why would someone do that for me? I realize Jesus said love your neighbour as you would love yourself and maybe their action is exactly how they would treat themselves, both the extravagant lover and the stingy lover because one can’t pour from an empty cup.

I have mistaken love for stupidity because I am a fairly logical person. I do not stunt and I pretty much think before I act. So why you would use your last coins to buy me a gift instead of your lunch is beyond me. I would buy myself the food because out of the same love I know you would rather have a healthy me than a beautiful gift and that is also what I would want for you. What I forget is that you will get me the gift to see that smile on my face and not because you have not thought of buying the food, but because that’s just how you love.

My friends think I am a sucker for happy endings. I tell them that as much as I can control the ending of the story, I would make it a happy one. It’s the only opportunity I have because life as we know it is full of surprises. I want to be that bride who cries on her wedding day, that mother who cries when the doctor hands over the newborn child, that random person who tears when the news is just too good that you lack words to express yourself. Tears of joy are the real deal! If I am going to shed a tear I want it to be out of the abundance of joy.

I saw this draft when contemplating what my next post should be. It was untitled.. I read the unfinished post and my reaction was damn!! You mean, that girl writes! I had thought of 22 lessons before 23 but many people have that and the lessons are the same across the board. As it has been evident in these 10 months of writing, Yes!! like a full pregnancy term, we will soon be having an anniversary and hopefully we will reach the 1000 readers mark. A writer divulges parts of themselves in the writing process. Much as one tries to keep the writing separate from the personal, it oozes from the diction.

Night passed when she was twenty three. She had dark beautiful flawless skin. When I look at my photo hard enough, I see her in me. I see that dark beautiful flawless skin. I do not talk about her. No one has in a long time. We mention her, we think of her. She’s like a cloud, ever present, lingering but no one mentions it. When clouds gather and you mention that they are dark indicating rainfall, we mention our cloud on Christmas eve. That is when it gets dark enough and we have to acknowledge the presence of the cloud.

It now adds up… I was 9. It has always felt just like the other day. I try digging up memories and the ones that come up are never enough. I was only 9, there is not so much one can remember from such a young age. This is when I knew how losing someone you love hurts. It did not matter that then, I knew she was in a better place. She was strong in her faith. At 23 Night loved singing hymns. She loved cleaning. I remember her scrubbing the bath tub and the kitchen tiles. I clean when I’m anxious or stressed out and it calms me. At only 9 I had to let go of someone I love.

The concept of loss has been revisited in my life. It is true that grief is the price we pay for love. The reason why I willingly let my ship dock at the first port of call is because I do not want to pay the price for love. It is too dear. The tears sting your eyes, food becomes unpalatable, tasteless. My friends will tell you I love cooking. I spend my money ordering good food every once in a while. I want that good taste so bad that I would rather skip a meal that is not well cooked than force it down my throat. I do this because I know how it feels when you are in so much pain that your favourite food is tasteless. I guard the places I love so much because I know how empty they feel when you visit and the person you used to go with is no longer there.

I love happy endings because I do not know if I will have one. I enjoy attending weddings because I dream of that one day. It may seem that I do things impulsively but I have known death at a young age and there is just no time to wait. I love celebrating birthdays because I know that the next one is not a guarantee. I take risks with extreme sports like bungee jumping and travelling with an unknown crowd because death still finds you in the comfort of your bed. It may seem such a pessimistic way to live but it is quite the opposite. I relish every single day I do not hit my minimus against furniture. I buy the best, extravagant taste at times because if not now when? I read fiction because I get to live another character’s life just between those covers and enrich my own with their experiences. I choose fun and laughter over everything because I have known pain. At twenty three, I will only cry tears of joy!

May 21, 2020May 25, 2020

Should I tell her

He’s stopped texting and calling

He’s no longer the first to double tap and notice that she’s updated her profile

She should be relieved, this is what she wanted. Loving him was red.

He made it a habit, she got used to the random calls, the long texts, knowing that there was someone waiting..

As much as she was complaining, she managed to make everything about him even when the question was rhetorical

Should I tell her?

He’s obviously met someone how else could he move on

I know it was his eyes, how they pierce into your soul. He has a way of looking at you not in a manner to undress but he sees beyond the cloth

Maybe it was his hands, he touched her bare shoulder assisting the conductor in collecting bus fare and the delicate fingers caused a sudden rush down her spine

Yes… That too. Not cologne neither is it the cheap scents. I haven’t been able to place it but once in a while I get a familiar whiff. The intensity is mild as if my nose is fighting to unearth it. When I least expect I get a trail and it takes me back to that moment when he first held me and every other time he did.

It can’t be his voice.. he never talked much at least not with his mouth. It was always the eyes, the touch, the scent that communicated.

I dare not think it. No! I never had enough of him. I always drowned in him. I could taste his scent and the more I did the deeper my tongue went and his gentle touch, those eyes.. my lips would be sore for days and I loved it because they tasted of him.

I know him but I don’t know him well. He’s tall, well taller than me.

Should I tell her?

She won’t believe me. She’ll think I’m creepy or that I’m not over him.

Should I tell her?

He is good looking, he’s low maintenance. He is a catch.

Should I tell her?

He’ll not show up when she needs him. He’ll ask her for money. He’ll take the jumper that he offered her once they get to the bus stop and leave her shivering. He’d rather lose her to pneumonia than lose the jumper he bought for a price way lower than her standards.

Should I tell her?

He’ll never plan a date. She’ll always go over to his place and he won’t even have any food to offer.

Should I tell her?

He’ll think she is uptight. He’d rather leave her in his house as he goes to catch up with his boys yet he said she should come.

Should I tell her?

She will leave him even though her flesh is weak.

When she sees that piercing gaze despite the mask, shivers will run down her spine. Her nose will twich when it gets that scent, her tongue will want to dig deeper but her feet will walk away.

Should I tell her?

May 17, 2020July 13, 2020

I no longer read books, I read authors.

The biggest challenge every writer faces is writing the first word, the first sentence, that first paragraph. This is the foundation and it has to be solid otherwise everything else topples. For one to write, you have to read. You spend days reading different authors, taking walks, looking for inspiration at 3 am and nothing!! Nothing that you consider worthy to be put down on paper especially because it can be traced back to you. As a writer you expose yourself, your intricate thoughts, your life, your dreams everything and anything and still the constant fear that it may not be good enough is ever present.

I no longer read books, I read authors. I read about their childhood, their education, their career path, their lives. Everything and anything including watching their interviews. I want to understand the person behind the words, I want to know them, think of their thought process and identify with their reality. My interest in knowing the person behind the writing was piqued by one of colleen Hoover’s books. By knowing the writer I not only mean authors; script writers, poets, musicians everyone and anyone involved in the writing process at whatever stage.

I would be intrigued by anyone who can decipher the different author’s I’ll pick on by description and bonus points for the book in mind.

We often assume that one must have gone through some pain in order to write about it so deeply in a way that evokes our empathy. In the same vein, we assume that if an author writes something so dark they must be going through some difficult moment in their life. Both scenarios are not necessarily true. In fact, an author revealed that when writing one of the darkest books I have read to date they first had the original story as it had occurred then using antagonistic journaling turned it into the thriller it became. This technique involves writing the opposite of what happens in the original story thus making it easy for a writer to pretend to be someone they aren’t.

Often, it is easy for writers to separate reality from fiction in a way that they live in both worlds though at different times. When a writer’s world becomes dark, they can retrieve to a happier fictional place or even write about a darker world than the one they are living just to make their reality feel a lot better. In another book that literally drove me to tears, I was shocked to learn that the events described had not taken place as narrated but were actually fiction imagined after the writer saw a picture from a newspaper clipping.

It reminds me of a book that drove millions into anger after learning that the story depicted was not a memoir by the author as it was categorized to be. The book won several awards, it was on the bestseller list for months and even featured in the famous book club’s read for the month. Thinking back, perhaps the book sold because people could put a face on the character. The author’s face, as the troubled person who eventually overcame. Given the era the book was published, overcoming that incident was a major milestone. Fortunately, by the time this knowledge became public, the book had sold several copies and even brought the author to limelight. Thanks to this controversy, I enjoyed a different book by the author who was not deterred by the angry fans and put more content for those who could look past the incident to relish.

It’s a jungle out here! Somehow writers still find their way given the numerous material being published. Some readers also have an epiphany. Going through the reviews of a book I had just put down, a reader was generous enough to share her mind blowing discovery. The entire book was a tribute to a famous musician who had died a couple of years back. The writer was alluding to one of the singer’s greatest hit songs and even named a character after the album tittle. In the book, one of the characters had this journaling lifestyle and he would name his journals. The particular journal we get to see him write was named after the singer’s hit song. The entire plot is based on the singer and how he eventually died. I would never have joined the dots but following the trail blew my mind.

Some writers are all together just lucky. First time writing about their experiences, their lessons, their truth and they spring to limelight. The trouble is, after such a huge success, writing the next book is hard. Their readers have identified with the story, they want more but the writer gave their all to the first book. There are only so many times you can re create your life story eh.. if only writers were cats! This particular book surpasses the writers wildest imaginations and got signed for a movie adaptation. Despite the odds, the writer manages to publish not one, not two but several books. In fact, I am yet to read my best work from the author and between me and you, Its either that first book was overrated or the movie was downplayed. I have enjoyed the 2nd book that the writer had difficulty writing but this is what drew me. The one that I claim is the writer’s best work and I am yet to read has already been published. Every time I am about to get hold of it literally the person ahead of me picks it up and it is always the last copy. That is why I consider it the best work.

If anything, this article should motivate you to put out your work. I hope these techniques help cure that writer’s block and give you ideas of how to write. Luckily for me it has given me what to write. I can’t end this piece without mentioning the author who doubled the words I have searched for in a single reading. I have really tried throwing in one or two here but the nature of my writing renders it otiose. I was taken aback to learn that it was the writer’s first. Well, the story was neither here nor there but its rattling nature would make you keep an eye out for the next book.

April 23, 2020April 25, 2020

The Bold Type

As children, we were groomed to look up to adulthood. Other than the normal question who do you want to be when you grow up, we played games depicting family life; ‘cha mama’ and marriage while skipping rope. You literally built your ideal man, planned your wedding, where you and your partner would reside, the number and gender of the kids you would have. In our naive minds, each of us had the best man who ticked all the boxes and we had good health, finances were never a problem we considered. We were each little princesses who deserved the very best and that’s what we got; happily ever after.

I’m not sure at what age we snap out of the fairy tale. It’s like we were all sleeping beauties and suddenly the curse is lifted and we can see the world for what it is. I’m lucky enough to still be in touch with my playmates and whenever we get together, we agree that as children we were cushioned. Some who selected Church weddings as kids have already settled on come we stay arrangements. The names we settled for in our ideal man when Alejandro and Hector were the standard have now materialized to Kevo and Brayo.

None of us knew that along the way one or two may die young, death was for the old and it was always by natural cause soundly in your sleep. We were to keep the straight and narrow path and be the light of the world and the salt of the earth. You should have heard our sweet melodious voices singing from the pulpit every Sunday ‘sauti za kutoa nyoka pangoni’. This statement frightened me. Every time we would sing I would look around JUST in case ( pun intended ).

All these memories came back to me when I watched the last episode of The bold type Sn 4. You know how the highlight of every romance movie is the wedding of your favorite actors, this was no different. They had gone through challenges in the 4 seasons which meant they had qualified for the criteria to get a happy ending. Isn’t this what all films have programmed in our minds. Either the family plotted against you, or you temporarily lost the ‘love of your life’ to the other woman only to be rejoined by fate.

In this case, the plot was novel. The guy was among the board members in the company the girl worked in so technically he was her boss. They had to work around the company’s dating policy and thanks to the fact that she was dating someone who had a say in decision making, it was fairly easy. I brought this series up because of the change of mindset we get from it. The couple plans their wedding and they tire from all the details encompassed in making it the best day of their lives. With 6 months to go, they had not settled on the floral arrangement, the church, guests, different opinions by the two families being brought together and their schedule was just insane. So while catching up over drinks after work they decide screw it we’ll just get married in this bar. We’ve had our best moments here.

Having made that big compromise, everything followed suit. The wedding was moved from 6 months away to that weekend. They picked an officiator from among their friends, one of their friends who is an official photographer offered to be their photographer as her gift to the couple. Pro tip: You should really invest in diverse friendships; build your circle. Now that I think of it, I have a couple of musician friends, a few friends who can bake, photographers are plenty, an upcoming make up artist… guys, I can have a wedding I just need the groom.

The bride decided to walk herself down the aisle. She said, she is not something to be given away. I can imagine how this would crush my African parents especially being the only girl. What actually happened was that the groom walked to meet her. This I would want after all isn’t it ‘always’ the guy who approaches the lady. Rather whoever made the first move should be the one to walk down the aisle. ( Unpopular 2 am thought)

For a heartbeat, I thought this wedding wasn’t going to take place. We have to rewind to the night before. I mentioned that the two met while working in the same place however, months after the engagement the groom moved to a different town to launch the business he’s always wanted to engage in and after the wedding, the agreement was that the bride would quit her assistant position and follow him there. Her wedding present from her immediate supervisor which was given to her hours before the wedding was a promotion to a position she had been eyeing for 5 years. This changes dynamics. The whole wedding was based on them living together in one city and there poof 💨.

She weighed her options; as much as she had found the love of her life, the fulfillment she’ll get from this job was unmatched, it was her passion. I normally hate it when you apply for a job and get no reply then all of a sudden after you have given up and even thought of focusing your energy elsewhere, you get multiple offers, each with different perks and the only reason you applied to so many is because none gave a timely response. It’s the same way when you choose to settle down with one person suddenly 5 other people that you had considered as potential decide to reciprocate your love for them that has now died down.

The bride being the bold type requested for the groom to be summoned before the wedding. She explained the situation to him and stated that whatever happens, her decision lies in taking up the job offer. Of course the groom was taken aback. How dare she! At this moment, when everyone is already seated. All their colleagues! He never got the chance to answer to build suspense.

With so many incidents being reported on social media of a love story turned sour, many of my friends and sometimes myself included have been questioning this whole idea of a happy ending. We have been victims of believing all that glitters and we’ve failed to see that it was not gold. Even with this, there is no assurance on the outcome of our stories but this does not mean that we do not make them.

This ring is the symbol of my love, my commitment and my promise to always dream bigger and be honest and take risks that make both of us proud. I vow to always listen, to ask what you want and what you need. With this ring and all that I am I marry you… (Groom’s vow)

You are my basket of bread sticks, you are my truth and without truth I am nothing. So I promise to be steady and strong and honest till death do us part. This ring is a token of my love and with it and all that I am, I marry you… ( Bride’s vow)

Aren’t those vows just beautiful. They are a depiction of what exactly is needed to make any relationship work; Honesty, communication and mutual understanding. I’ll take that anytime over the generic in sickness and in health. Anyway, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

I urge you to be the bold type. Despite what will be portrayed, what you may have experienced that has changed your perspective, BE BOLD .

April 16, 2020April 16, 2020

Opinions: Should we bank on them?

How much do other people’s opinion influence your choice?

I’m currently watching the circle; a series about different individuals residing in the same building who never get to see each other. They each have to create a profile on social media to represent them. You can use your picture or someone else’s. You have to form friendships and become likable enough for people to want you in the game but not too popular that you become a threat. Tough balance huh..

So the organizers throw in games that tend to reveal the player’s personality. It might be their IQ in terms of general knowledge, Creativity in terms of artsy things to design or write or just plain opinions i.e which player is most likely to… From these games you get to know people’s opinions of you. Other players also get to form their opinion. One time players had to decorate a cake and just from the colours and the idea behind the decoration, players formed an opinion on whether the decoration presented matched the player’s bio.

Today I decided to invest in hair products. I have been watching vlog reviews of natural hair products and one thing for sure is that there are plenty of them. Then for each product there are people who swear by it and you can find an equal number who have a contrary opinion. Armed with my research knowledge, I decided to stick with the qualities I’m looking for in a brand other than going with a brand name. I settled for a product that reduces or eliminates dandruff and one that keeps my hair hydrated. Volume for me is given and right now, I am not chasing length. This makes it easier finding an affordable product and variety because this is the bare minimum.

The one stop shop for hair products is best lady. I went to the one in uptown since the ones centrally located tend to be more crowded and we are called upon to exercise social distancing. As soon as I walk in, one of the attendants make eye contact and start approaching. I tell her what I am looking for and immediately she points me to a shelf with a variety of products. She picks one that never came across any of the videos I watched. So for dandruff my research told me I need tea tree oil which retails at 400 ksh for a tiny bottle. Lo and behold! This strange brand presents me with a leave in treatment come conditioner that is made of all essential oils. Be it castor oil, avocado oil, tea tree, whatever tree that produces oil it’s in there. This is not the best part even … wait for it… The price !!! I just had a flashback of my last year post of how saving coins can cost you more https://wordpress.com/block-editor/post/dimplesmigrainsandaahs.home.blog/157 . We can only hope that fate is not revisiting this lesson because I seem not to have learnt from it.

Well, of course I take the product. Who doesn’t want to have most if not all the essential oils in one bottle! The attendant swore by it. She had her hair open in twists and she claimed she used products from that brand to achieve that length and volume. Her hair was promising. More so the fact that the story wasn’t far fetched. Have you met those people looking miserable in ‘tailored suits’ enticing you to join AIM global and assure you insurmountable wealth within a few days? Well, our attendant wasn’t one of them. (Opinion)

Happy with my purchases, I step out of the store but the money I parted with was enough to buy two products from a luxurious brand. Barely 10 feet away from the store, I spotted a familiar face on the street. A friend who can call me by name when i’m in a crowd but other than that we don’t know each other. We exchange pleasantries and I show her my purchases that I believe are a good deal. Oh my!! Was her reaction. You know how such stories end. So she tells me about her terrible experience with the brand and qualifies her opinion with maybe it’s just me .

So is it just her ? When someone shares a dilemma they have and want your opinion do you also have that habit of giving your take and qualifying it with that’s just what I think but you never know this might be different? I do this. I don’t want blame in case my plan doesn’t work. I went back to the store and asked if I could exchange the products. Yes, the one in charge responded but what different product would you go for? I explained my concern and we talked for a while and eventually I left the store with the products I initially bought.

So back to the circle. After each round of activities, players have to rank each other on popularity. The opinions they formed when engaging in the activities has a huge influence on this. The least popular is kicked out of the circle by two of the most popular players. Before the least popular player leaves the building, they get to chose to meet a player face to face. Some pick the player’s they felt they had a bond with, others decide to confront the player they think made the choice or influenced their being kicked out from the circle. In most meetings, they talk about the strategy of the game and what opinion they each formed about other players. Some would advice, be careful about player XXX they might be a catfish. But this is just that player’s opinion.

Watching the series and my experience has made me more aware of the different opinions that may have or still influence my decisions. Brands are making lots of money from getting the right influencer to endorse their products. I might have fallen for this as well. I am a sworn babelline and now that I think of it I’m not sure whether this happened when Muthoni Njoba got to be their brand ambassador or if I was a babelline before that. Then again, I have no recollection of Maybelline before Muthoni Njoba💡 there goes my answer.

It is never easy making a decision on your own. Some people are more experienced and others might have more knowledge on that particular field so often times we tend to consult. At times I feel like we don’t even have to, the moment something is in your mind, trust me the day won’t end before you come across a post that relates on your screen.

Now that you are thinking about the various opinions that have influenced your choices and if not I bet you will.

May our opinions be well informed and may those of others that find space in our heads help us in making the right choice.

March 28, 2020April 23, 2020

Encounters

Image from Alliance Français art exhibition

Alliance Français is the plug in hosting events. Let me let you in on a secret. When you want to be part of a vibrant crowd, socially diversified, experience art at a cost almost equal to nothing this is the place!! The events range from music performances, extra ordinary art exhibitions, plays and movies. If you are in luck, You will recognize the performing artist, most times you will get to discover new artists from Kenya and different parts of the world. It gets even better, during some French culture themed events, they serve chilled wine and tartes. They may taste foreign to the uncultured palate but with frequent visits to Alliance it becomes an acquired taste.

Imaged from Alliance Français art exhibition

At some art event I was attending one evening, a gentleman approached my friend and I as we were feigning artisanship. Caught in the moment I introduced myself as an art collector and my friend stated that she was a writer. I do collect art, in my head. I remember the pieces I’ve seen that have left me in awe. I will collect art in future so I was only speaking it into existence. For now however, I just gaze at the admirable pieces and take my leave. ( most of the art pieces showcased at Alliance are for sale) We spent the evening sharing stories of our invented selves. It was amazing how naturally the stories flowed thanks to our innate reading culture and passively acquired knowledge.

Now that I think of it, I have had many firsts at Alliance. It is a miracle that all these people have never met me at the same time . I can imagine the confusion that will befall them. It would be worse than what the disciples underwent when they received the holy spirit and each was speaking in tongues different from the other. Note to self: to be more cautious and probably stick to one script.

Did I mention that we shouldn’t under estimate the power of social media. Hmm… on another Saturday, My friends and I were at Goethe institute. This is the German version of Alliance ( ~~Lol~~ ) but smaller with less frequent events. Yet another art exhibition but this time the art pieces were experienced on Virtual Reality. ( you see why I could pass for an art collector). Anyway, some guy approaches me and strikes a conversation. His angle is mundane topics but somehow the conversation hits off and we discover that we share mutual interests. After a few shared laughs, I’m pretty easy to convince. Naively, I tell him my real name, both names infact. You should have seen the shock on my face later in the evening when I got a friend request from him on Instagram. I had no intention of making anything out of our informal encounter.

Thursday evening, over the Christmas period, I was heading to visit my cousins in their village home from my grandmother’s place. I had always gone accompanied but this was my first time going alone. As I was trying to figure my way, Jemo who later identified himself approached me. I am normally adamant in telling people I meet for the first time my name and any information that the stranger asks. Jemo tried every trick in the book and later even suggested that I lie to him whatever name I pleased. The determination he had is unmatched.

Well, Jemo wasn’t my preferred type. You could get a whiff of alcohol from him and by his walking you could tell that he’d got Dutch courage. I later confessed that I was lost and despite his state, he called someone who knew the area better and they both accompanied me to my destination. We parted with a promise that I will tell him my name the next time we meet. In my head, this was never meant to happen hence my confidence in agreeing to it. I was leaving for Nairobi early morning the next day.

As fate would have it, my grandmother requested me to purchase a few items from the shop for her before I took my leave. You know who happened to be on that same intersection at the exact time, Jemo. He sees me and chuckles. I weigh my options; either go back home and find an excuse for my granmother or brace it.

Well, he doesn’t bite and I have curved better looking men before so a drunk village man won’t be a problem. I head towards him as I curse between my teeth. For some reason around Jemo I’m always the damsel in distress. This time round, I had misplaced money and I only realized when I stretched my hand out to greet him. Damn!! I had a hundred shillings a few minutes ago and I have no idea where it is, I tell Jemo of course in Swahili. I’ll help you look for it, he offers. We begin the search and Jemo finds it. He then insists to escort me to my destination and since I’m duly indebted, I have no recourse.

This social distancing has made me reminisce the moments I have shared with strangers. I happen to have many of such experiences. Some could actually befit a scene in a movie. When this COVID 19 pandemic is over, what I’ll miss are the hugs shared among friends, the double kiss and high -fives. It will take a while before we go back to this routine because of the social conditioning that would have taken place. For my missed stranger opportunities during this period, I hope I’ll have better encounters soon.

March 25, 2020March 25, 2020

Clown. ing

I miss you

I miss you more

When will I be seeing you…

Soon, I’m out of town for a while.

Cool, hope you are fine.

Yes, still busy as usual

Hey, how are you doing?

Fine, a bit tired. I came back a few days ago.

Oh, so you did. You didn’t mention it.

I just did.

Ok. I hope you are well. I really don’t understand how you can’t spare a few minutes of your day.

( seen )

Hey, just thought about you today

( lies, it’s all you think about )

You did, how are you?

Three paragraphs, six emojis, intricate details, I could go on …

Oh sounds fun.

( single reply 2 days later )

Image result for clown — from google images

February 18, 2020March 30, 2020

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Image sourced from @rebac _Kenya IG handle. This tee is available for purchase.

I never knew you write…

I don’t.

Oh, the link you shared I thought that’s your site.

Why would you think so?

Fun and Laughter over everything is your tagline.

Aah… so that’s the tell. I do write. That’s my site. Just wanted to know how you found out because I don’t publicize it .

My excuse for not sharing my blog is to avoid disappointment. The only way one cannot be disappointed is if you do not have an expectation. When I share my link with you, and you do not read, I will be disappointed. Hence, I do not share the link with you and thus, I do not burden you with my expectation and as a result, I am not disappointed.

So do I write with an audience in mind? I do. I write in the hope that when you stumble upon the link, you will like what you read and subscribe to receive new post notifications. I also write ‘anonymously’ to receive both positive and constructive criticism. I want to know what you enjoy, what story resonates with you and what you do not appreciate.

From the dialogue above, a few of my friends have already figured the face behind the writing but for the many who have not, majority will before the end of this post.

Stumbling upon them made my day. Everyone knew about it but no one understood. Nevertheless, people safely kept 40 bob coins they came across to trade in with me or just give me to make my day as they knew it would. One time, I was really angry at someone. She approached me with three 40 bob coins at hand and I knew I had to let the grudge go. Without realizing, it also became a way of saving money. Now that the old currency is being phased out, I am developing another hobby.

New follower update, new like, 8 visitors, 1 view especially on those random days when I don’t have a new post light me up. Recently, I received an email recommending a new blog that people should read and to my surprise it was this link! Then is actually the first time I recorded my highest number of site visits in a day given that I have not been actively publicizing.

The stats do cheer me on but my greatest motivation is accessing the site from time to time and loving what I write. Abby encourages me to write; she is my 1st follower and every time I slack on a post I remember I promised her consistency and she waits for that notification. Being accountable to myself and my readers makes the many edits a pleasure.

Do you have a best friend ?

I don’t… I have many best friends.

I think you shouldn’t. The tittle itself puts so much pressure. A best Friend is like your right hand. There are things expected of the best friend that are not communicated.

Is it mutual? Does the person refer to you as best friend or they don’t even know you consider them as such?

Well for some it is mutual but for many it is an implied association.

This conversation that I had a while back is playing in my head. I’m the one with the many best friends. I think it relates to the disappointment and expectation theory I have. On 18th February 2018, I lost two friends who were really important to me. I expected them to show up and when they did not, I was disappointed. I had this expectation because it is what I would have done were the tables reversed. I do miss our friendship and at times wonder how things would have been if I didn’t have the expectation and took several steps back after the disappointment.

Taking several steps back is unhealthy because humans disappoint. It’s innate. We disappoint our Creator; how unlikely is it for us to disappoint fellow man?

Last year I decided to travel on my birthday so as not to expect people to show up if I plan a party and neither to be disappointed when they hit me with those non remorseful sorry texts later as I await their arrival. When I hit the road, I got so many phone calls; friends asking for my whereabouts. You should have told me they chimed. I actually have on several occasions in the past not necessarily my birthday and we all know how that turned out.

This year, I’m doing my best. My best to be impeccable with my word, not to take anything personally and never to make assumptions. These are the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz ( It’s a book you should read to have the four agreements explained). I’ll do my best to stop assuming people won’t open the link once I share it with them. If they don’t, I won’t take it personally. Most importantly, I will be impeccable with my word in the hope that others will and their yes to invitations will be a yes to showing up. Even if they don’t, I will do my best not to make assumptions and never to take it personally.

Don Ruiz encourages us that we might not always be able to achieve the four agreements but we must do our best to honor them. If you break an agreement, begin again tomorrow, and again the next day.

February 1, 2020February 1, 2020

Rest In Peace

On 1st February 2018, my world crashed and I did not know how to express my pain. A friend wrote a poem that I share as we mark the 2nd anniversary.

twinkling star

You left.

You left me.

You left us.

You didn’t choose to leave

But you just had to go

My tears fall for you

My heart keep breaking every day

Because I know you are not living that day

I looked up to you

I’m now lost

Why now?

I wanted you to see me grow

Will I ever grow without you?

Your presence in my heart will not fade

I refuse to let you go

We were the three musketeers

And now we are two

Not masketeers.

I hope you found your haven

I’m not saying goodbye

Till we meet again…

RIP.

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